Suder
Percival Everett


Suder, Percival Everett's acclaimed first novel, follows the exploits and ordeals of Craig Suder, a struggling black third baseman for the Seattle Mariners. In the midst of a humiliating career slump and difficulties with his demanding wife and troubled son, Suder packs up his saxophone, phonograph, and Charlie Parker's Ornithology and begins a personal crusade for independence, freedom, and contentment. This ambitious quest takes Suder on a series of madcap adventures involving cocaine smugglers, an elephant named Renoir, and a young runaway, but the journey also forces him to reflect on bygone times. Deftly alternating between the past and the present, Everett tenderly reveals the rural South of Suder's childhood — the withdrawn father; the unhinged, protective mother; the detached, lustful brother; and the jazz pianist who teaches Suder to take chances. And risk it all he finally does: Suder's travels culminate in the fulfillment of his most fanciful childhood dream.


Percival Everett


Suder


For my mother, father, and sister


Our swords are ready. We can die.

    
Aeschylus, Agamemnon


But why pursue such painful matters?

Assuming one does not have to.

    
Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil


Part I


Chapter 1


So, I’m up at the plate in the top of the ninth and the first pitch is, I grant you, an honest-to-God textbook strike and the fat umpire’s backwards dance and that turn to the right he manages don’t offend me at all. And then the second pitch comes whistling in way inside and I hear that fat man in blue yell, “Steee-rike!” and I turn to catch the tail end of his routine and I just can’t believe it. So, I flip the bat in my hand like a baton, as is my custom, and step up to him, face to face, and give him the questioning eye.

There he is right in front of me, behind that foam-filled apron, and he yells, “Strike!”

“That was way inside,” I tell him, “I could feel it on my pants.”

“Strike,” he repeats and lets out this little shit-eating grin and I really want to hit him and I tell myself not to and turn away.

“Blind bastard,” I says under my breath.

And he says to me, “If you can’t—”

I cut him off: “Why don’t you go read up on the strike zone.”

He looks at me and yells, “Play ball!” Then when I’m stepping into the box he says, “That’s two, Suder.”

And I ignore him. The next pitch is so inside that the catcher leaves his perch to get it and I know because I follow the ball all the way, don’t even move my bat, but as sure as anything that fat umpire does his Fred Astaire and calls another strike. So, I’m out and when I’m walking away I mutter, “Why don’t you just put on one of their uniforms!” And I’m still holding the bat clenched in my fists when David Nicks flies to center for the third out.

The pitcher finishes his warm-ups and the ball gets passed all around and fast Eddie Ramos is walking up to the plate swinging a bat with a lead doughnut on it. Lou Tyler, our manager, is yelling that we’re up one run and that we should hold them. “Three up, three down,” he says. “Three up, three down.” Then he yells to me, “Suder! Suder!” and I turn to see him make like he’s bunting with an invisible bat. “Watch the bunt!” he yells. “Watch the bunt!” It strikes me that he sometimes says things twice and I imagine it’s a fancy way of stuttering and, heeding his words, I step on down the third-base line toward the batter.

The first pitch is outside, but I see his left hand sneak up along the wood and I know he wants to bunt and I get ready. On the next pitch he does bunt and I run for it and the catcher runs for it and the pitcher runs for it and we all stop dead cold like it’s something nasty we want somebody else to pick up. Finally, I pick it up, pump once — the asshole pitcher is in the way — and throw it to first, but I’m too late. So, the tying run is on first and I look up at the board and see I’m being charged with an error. The next guy up doesn’t bunt, he just tags that first pitch and sends it airmail special delivery over the left-field fence, the old Green Monster, and the game is over and we lose and ain’t nothing left but the crying and accusing. I close my eyes for a second and then I take to the showers.

So, I come out of the shower and slide into my Jockey shorts and sit down in front of my locker with my face in my hands. I think to myself that all I want to do is get stinking drunk, when I see Lou Tyler turning the corner and heading down the aisle toward me. He comes and sits beside me, straddles the wooden chair, and pushes the brim of his cap up.

“We all have slumps,” he says and I’m pulling on my socks, half listening to him, and he goes on, “but you got to break out of this one soon.”

I look over at him and I ask, “Did you see what they was calling strikes out there?”

“So you had a bad call.”

“A bad call? I suppose I really made that error out there, too.” I look away from him and shake my head.

“Okay, a couple of bad calls.”

“Jesus,” I says.

“Truth of the matter is, Craig, that you have to straighten up and fly right.” And he slaps me on the back and tells me to get dressed.

I watch him walk away and then I slam the locker. “Yeah, straighten up and fly right,” I says to myself, “fly right.”

We get to the airport and we’re boarding the plane when Tuck McShane, the trainer, comes up to me. “How’s the leg?” he wants to know.

“Ain’t nothing wrong with my leg,” I says, sitting down.

He sits beside me. “I thought I saw you favoring your left leg last night.”

“Nope.”

“I’m glad you’re sitting by the window.” He looks past me out over the wing. It’s common knowledge that old Tuck gets dizzy when he stands tippy-toed.

“What you studying on so hard?” he asks me and then, before I can answer, “Don’t worry, you’ll pick up. You’ll play a lot better once you relax. You oughta try some breathing exercises.” He inhales deeply and lets it out.

I look back out the window and watch the flaps as we take off and I see a bird and I begin to wish I could fly up high and all without the aid of a machine.

As we’re climbing out of the plane in Baltimore, old Tuck turns to me. “It’s your right leg, ain’t it? Want me to take a look?”

“Ain’t nothing wrong with my leg,” I says.

We check into the hotel and David Nicks and I go to our room. While David is in the bathroom I call my wife and she’s sounding a little down, so I ask her what’s wrong.

“Peter came home the other day and he’d been fighting,” she tells me.

“He’s a seven-year-old boy, honey,” I says, “they fight sometimes.”

“You don’t understand. This is the third time this week.”

“Maybe somebody’s picking on him. He’s gotta stand up for himself.”

“He says the boys at day camp tease him about you, the way you’ve been playing.”

I hear this and I don’t know what to say.

“Craig?”

“What’s he doing in that school yard, anyway? It’s summer, he should be out playing in the grass. Listen, I’ve got to go. David wants the phone.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“Me, too.”

I go out and get drunk enough to embarrass a few dead relatives. I’m still drinking and I’m feeling pretty bad seeing as we just dropped three straight to Boston and this fella recognizes me. “Ain’t you Craig Suder?”

I nod. I don’t even look at him, just keep my eyes on the bar and nod.

He starts to laugh and talk about how we got our butts whipped and I just keep looking at the bar, nodding. Then he says, “If you was outta the lineup, Seattle might win a few.”

He still ain’t got to me and I’m still nodding.

He sorta calls one of his buddies over and they’re standing on either side of me and the first fella says, “Black boys ain’t got no business in baseball no way.”

Well, at this I turn and look at him and the next thing I know I’m coming to in an alley with my face in some garbage. I get up and make my way to the hotel.


I sure as hell hope that craziness ain’t passed from parents to children by way of the blood. I say this because my mother was out-and-out raving insane. When I was ten and my brother, Martin, was twelve, my folks called the two of us into the kitchen. It was one of those hot North Carolina summer days when even the flies are moving slow. Daddy was sitting at the table in his underwear and Ma was wearing her cloth coat with the dog fur around the collar. Sweat was dripping off Ma’s face and Martin and I moved slowly to our chairs at the table. There was a great big glass of iced tea in Daddy’s left hand and a handkerchief in his right.

“Sit down, boys,” Daddy said.

We were already sitting and we looked at him, puzzled-like.

“Oh,” he said and gulped down some tea. “Boys …” He stopped.

Ma cleared her throat and sat up. A bead of sweat was hanging off the tip of her nose. “Your father has something he wants to tell you.”

We looked back at Daddy.

Daddy’s eyes were locked on Ma and then sorta snapped to and said, “Boys, your mother is crazy.”

We looked over at Ma and she nodded and smiled.

“Huh?” Martin was shaking his head. “I don’t understand.”

“Yes, son,” said Ma, “I’m crazy.”

Martin and I just sat there at the table staring at each other. We stared at each other for a good long while and then Ma got up and walked out into the yard. Daddy rubbed his handkerchief across his forehead.

“Maybe it’s the heat,” Daddy said.

“Why is she wearing that coat?” I asked.

Daddy looked at me and wiped the back of his neck. “She’s crazy, Craig.”

“You’re a doctor, Daddy,” Martin said. “Fix her.”

“I can’t help her,” Daddy said and got up and walked to the screen door. He looked out into the yard at Ma. She was now hoeing in the garden. “Ain’t nothing I can do.” He stood there leaning against the doorframe, drinking his tea and wiping his face and neck.

“Why is she wearing that coat?” I asked again.

“Maybe it’s the heat,” Daddy said, eyes fixed on Ma. He turned to my brother and me. He picked the newspaper up off the counter and walked out of the kitchen.

“What do you think?” Martin asked.

“I’m only ten years old.”

Martin got up and walked over to the door and stared through the screen at Ma.

I started crying.

“Hush that noise up,” Martin said.

“Our mama’s crazy,” I cried.

He just looked back out into the yard at her and I heard him sniff a little, but I didn’t say anything.

Martin and I went down to the pond and threw rocks at the ducks. Martin hit one of the birds in the head and it flapped away screaming.

“Maybe we could hit her in the head and knock some sense into her,” Martin said.

“You think so?”

“How the hell should I know?” Martin looked up at the telephone lines and stared at the sparrows. “Go get my BB gun.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Just get it.”

I ran back home and when I walked into Martin’s and my room I found Ma sitting on Martin’s bed looking at the girlie magazines that he kept hidden between the mattress and box spring. I stopped in my tracks.

“Come here, Craigie,” she said, patting a spot on the bed beside her.

I walked over and sat down. I was scared. She was crazy.

She put her arm around me and pulled me close and with her free hand grabbed the meat of my cheek. “You’re a good boy, Craigie.”

I tried to get up, but she pulled me down. “I’ve gotta take Martin his BB gun.”

“You see this?” she asked, showing me a couple of pages stuck together. “You see this? Your brother is a bad boy.” She dropped the magazine on the floor.

Just being so close to her coat was making me hot and sweaty and itchy. “Why are you wearing a coat, Ma?”

“I’m not wearing a coat, silly.” She looked at me and pulled her mouth tight. “It’s called masturbation.”

I just looked at her.

“What he does with these pictures …” She moved her fist up and down over her lap. “Don’t you ever do that. You’ll go blind.”

I started to get up again and she pulled me back. She started unbuttoning my shirt and I reached up and folded my arms over my chest.

“I want you to take a bath,” she said.

“It’s the afternoon,” I complained.

“Take your clothes off!” she screamed through her teeth. Her eyes had a real strange sparkle.

“But—”

“Now!”

I undressed. She was crazy. She pulled me by the hand into the bathroom. “Get in the tub!”

I stepped into the tub.

“Sit down!”

I sat down and she began to pull a dry washcloth over my body.

“Ma,” I said, “there ain’t no water.”

“The water is not too hot!” she screamed and then she stood up. “The water is not too hot.” She walked out.


Chapter 2


At noon the next day I’m up and just out of the shower and buttoning my shirt when Lou Tyler comes in.

“Don’t you ever knock?” I ask him.

“Never,” he says, looking around the room. “Where’s Nicks?”

“Shower.”

“How’s the leg?”

I look at him, puzzled, and sit on the bed and start pulling on my socks. “Ain’t nothing wrong with my leg.”

“But Tuck said … Never mind. How’d you sleep?”

“Fine,” I tell him.

“Feel okay?”

“I feel fine.”

“Big game today,” he says and pushes a stogie into his face. “We’ve got to get back on the right track. You hear me? The right track.”

David comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him and says hello to Lou. Lou pulls his cigar out and nods a hello and then he turns back to me. “Get your mind on the game.” He turns to David. “Nicks, you keep an eye on him. Don’t let him think about nothing but baseball.”

“How the hell am I supposed to do that?” David asks and pulls on his pants.

“I don’t give a shit, just do it.” Lou walks to the door and as he’s leaving he says, “The bus leaves at five.”

I watch the door close behind him.

“Hey, don’t worry,” says David, “you’ll break out of it.”

We have breakfast, watch some TV, and head for the stadium. We’re in the clubhouse and Butch Backman, the catcher, walks over to me.

“I hope you play good today,” he says in that dumb voice of his.

“I hope I play good, too,” I says, mocking the sound of his voice.

Butch stares at me for a long second and then walks away.

“Lighten up,” David says to me.

I look at David and I know he’s right, so I walk over to Butch and apologize. Butch tilts his head and looks at me through those slits he calls eyes. “I’m just a little uptight,” I tell him.

“Yeah?” he says, putting his finger in my face. “I might not be as smart as you, and maybe I didn’t go to college, but I know enough to give a hundred percent on the field.” He slams his locker and leaves the room.

It’s not a real hot night, but I’m sweating before the game starts. As I’m standing by the dugout, some kid leans out over the railing and hands me a program and a pen. He wants me to pass it to David Nicks.

The first inning ends scoreless and hitless and our cleanup man, Pete Turner, flies out in the second. So, I’m up and I look at the board and there’s my batting average staring me in the face, 198, first time ever under.200. Before I know it, I’ve got two strikes on me. The third pitch comes blowing in and I swing and hit nothing, but the catcher muffs the ball. He can’t find the handle, so I’m on base.

David’s at the plate and I’m taking a short lead toward second and I’m thinking about my slump and like something out of a dark room the pitcher makes a move to first and I dive for the bag. I’m out.

I brush the dirt off my clothes and walk back to the dugout shaking my head. I sit down beside old Tuck McShane.

“So, you gonna let me wrap that leg for you?”

Now I’m beginning to think that maybe something is wrong with my leg and I nod.

Tuck pulls up my pant leg and wraps my right leg. He wraps it pretty tight and I can’t bend my leg or straighten it out completely.

“It’s a little tight.”

“Naw, it’s fine,” he says.

We’re taking the field again and I’m limping. I was not limping before.

In the tail end of the seventh, Baltimore has men on first and third, with two out, and the score tied. I’m playing shallow when the ball is hit hard and low to the gap between me and the shortstop. I dive and knock the ball down and pick it up. I pivot around on my right leg, which has no feeling in it, and off-balance I throw the ball way over the first baseman’s head.

So, I’m at the plate in the eighth and the first pitch comes whistling in and tags me on the helmet. I go down and things get blurry. Old Tuck waves some smelling salts under my nose.

“How’s the leg?”

I just close my eyes. I’m loaded into an ambulance and taken to the hospital. The doctor comes in.

“How’s your leg feel?”

“The ball hit me in the head.”

“But Mr. McShane said—”

“The ball hit me in the head.”

He pulls up my pant leg and starts feeling around the wrapping. “Here’s your problem. This thing is cutting off your circulation.”

“Doc, honest to God, the ball hit me in the head.”

He grabs my head and pulls my eyelids up. “What day is it?”

“Friday. Today is Friday, July ninth.”

“How many fingers?”

“Three.”

“Good. I think you’re fine, but we’ll take some X rays just to be sure.” He starts to unwrap my leg.

I get X-rayed and then I go back to the hotel. I sit out the next two games and without me the team wins, three-one and one-zip. In the clubhouse after Sunday’s game, spirits are a little better.


It was Sunday, right after church, and Martin and I were out by the pond, still dressed in our powder-blue suits. Martin was trying to pick birds off the telephone line and I was watching tadpoles.

“You know,” I said, “Ma didn’t seem so crazy this morning.”

Martin looked away from his target and at me. “Asking everybody to move out of the first three rows was pretty crazy.”

I looked at my reflection in the pond and thought about Ma.

“Got him,” said Martin. He started off toward his kill and I followed him. We stood over the sparrow and looked at the little red spot on his head. “Got him in the head.”

I looked at Martin’s face. We didn’t say anything else. We just walked back to the house. We walked through the back door into the kitchen. All of Martin’s dirty magazines were on the table and open to the fold-out pictures.

“Not again.” Martin sighed.

“You filthy boy.” Ma pulled her hair, wet from perspiration, out of her face. “You pull on yourself.”

Martin turned and walked out.

“Don’t you leave this house!”

Martin stopped and turned around.

Ma walked to me and put her arm around me. “Why can’t you be a good boy like Craig?”

Martin sighed again.

“Oh, Martin, you’re just like your father. He’s out now, up to no good. The mighty Dr. Suder. He says he’s gotta go see if Sara Harris is about to have her baby, but I know better. He’s with that Lou Ann Narramore from down at the drugstore.”

“That’s not true,” Martin said.

“Why can’t you be a good boy like Craig, here?”

Martin looked at me real hard-like. His lower lip was pushed out slightly and his cheeks were puffed. He turned and walked out.

“You are a good boy, Craigie,” Ma said and hugged me tight. “You’re not like your father. You’re like me. You’re just like your mother, just like your mother.”

She hugged me tighter and I tried to pull away. I fell back and to the floor. I pulled myself up by grabbing the table and I knocked some magazines to the floor. Ma got down on her knees and started pulling them together.

As I stood over her, looking at the bald spot on top of her head where she’d tried to shave, I thought about what Martin had said about knocking sense into her. I picked up a china bowl from the dish rack and broke it over her head. She fell on her face. I let out a scream.

Martin came running in and saw Ma stretched out on the floor. “What happened?”

“I broke a bowl over her head.”

Martin kneeled down and picked up Ma’s head and let it drop. He closed his eyes for a second. “You can’t tell anyone.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can’t tell anyone you hit her.”

“I have to tell Daddy.”

“No. We’ll just say she passed out. Just like that. Do you hear me?”

“I don’t know, Martin.”

“Look here.” He pointed at Ma. “She’s out cold, maybe dead. Do you want to go to jail?”

“No!”

“Then what are you going to tell Daddy?”

“She passed out. Just like that.” I paused. “She’s not dead, is she?”


Chapter 3


Martin and I were standing at the foot of the bed looking at Ma and Daddy was standing on her right, holding her hand. The curtains were open and the hospital room was flooded with light and it kinda made Ma look like she had a halo. The old lady in the bed on the other side of the room divider was moaning something awful.

“Oh, shut up, you old hag!” my mother yelled.

“Okay, dear, settle down,” Daddy said.

Ma looked down along her body and over her feet at me. “Come here, Craigie.” She held up her left hand.

I walked over to her left side and took her hand. The sun was hot on my back through the window. I looked closely at the wrapping on her head.

“Craigie.”

“Yeah, Ma?”

She looked at Martin and then at Daddy. “I’d like to be alone with Craig.” Her eyes moved again to me.

Daddy and Martin left the room and I watched the big door swing slowly closed.

“Craigie,” Ma said, “you’re a good boy. You’ve got to be careful in life. Don’t trust anyone. Trust not a living soul and walk cautiously amongst the dead.”

“Yes, Ma.”

She narrowed her eyes to slits and I got scared. “You know, your daddy’s been a bad boy. He’s been running around with that Lou Ann Narramore down at the drugstore.”

“No, Ma.”

She sat up and leaned toward me. The sun had made me hot and sticky, so I was scared and uncomfortable. “He is and I don’t want to hear another word out of you about it. Your daddy is running around and we’re going to catch him. You and me. You hear me?”

I nodded.

Daddy pushed his head into the room. “Craig, we’re about ready to go.”

“Get out!” Ma screamed.

Daddy’s head disappeared.

“Okay, Craigie.” She pulled me down and kissed my forehead. “Go on, but remember what we talked about.” She stroked my face.

I nodded and turned and started out.

“Craigie.” She called me back. “I love you the most. You were a breech baby. You were difficult. I almost died having you. That’s why I love you the most. You and me. We’re going to catch the two of them in the act, your father and that Lou Ann Narramore.” She fell back into her pillow. “From down at the drugstore.”

I started out again.

“Hey, psssst,” called the old lady in the other bed. I stopped and looked at her.

She summoned me with her finger. “Come here, little boy.”

I walked slowly toward her and looked into her face, which was contorted with pain.

“Look around,” she said, “and see if you can find my pills. They’re yellow. They’re for the pain. Please, little boy.”

“Huh?”

“Your mother took my pills and hid them. I don’t know why, but she did. And now the nurse won’t give me any more. Please, the pain is real bad.”

Ma snatched the divider back and yelled, “Go home, Craig!”

I ran out. In the hallway, Daddy looked at me and said, “She is still your mother.”

Ma spent one night in the hospital and Martin and I waited in the living room for Daddy to bring her home the next day.

“Daddy thinks it might be the heat,” Martin said, “that’s got Ma acting this way.”

“Martin, I’m scared.”

“Why should you be scared? She likes you. I’m the one who should be scared.”

“Do you think Daddy is running around with Lou Ann Narramore?”

Martin thought. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

The front screen door pushed open and Ma and Daddy walked in. Ma didn’t say anything. She just walked past us and into her bedroom. She came out wearing her coat.

“Dinner,” she said. “Dinner, dinner, dinner …” She walked into the kitchen.


My wife, Thelma, is waiting on me when we land in Seattle, but the kid ain’t with her. I walk to Thelma and give her a big hug and pull back to take a look at her. I put my arm around her and we’re walking out of the terminal and I ask where little Peter is.

“He’s at my mother’s house,” she says.

“How come?”

“It’s late. He’s got camp tomorrow.”

I nod and pull her closer.

“Besides, I thought it would be nice if we were all alone tonight.”

We drive home and enter the house. I throw my bag down and turn to Thelma and grab her and give her a big kiss. She takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom.

Turns out I can’t perform. It’s a problem I’ve been having and I don’t know what to say.

“Still,” Thelma says and glares at me for a second. “That’s just terrific.”

“Please—”

“I’m tired of being patient, Craig.” She rolls over and sighs.

I fall asleep and wake up to all this noise and I turn on the light to find Thelma pedaling on her exercise bicycle. I look at the clock.

“It’s three-thirty in the morning,” I complain.

She doesn’t pay me any mind. She just pedals faster and her head is moving back and forth and perspiration is streaming down the sides of her face.

“Come to bed.”

She stops pedaling. “Is it your leg? Does it hurt?”

I shake my head.

She starts pedaling again.

I wrap my head up in the pillows, trying to block out the sound, but it ain’t no use. And now she’s singing, “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, nobody knows but …” I get out of bed and go to the kitchen to look for something to eat.

I find some ham in the refrigerator and make a sandwich. When I finish my sandwich and down a glass of milk, my eyes become hard to keep open. I put my elbows on the table and rest my head in my hands and that’s the way I wake up four hours later.

Thelma comes in and finds the foil on the counter. “You didn’t eat the ham, did you?”

“Yes, I did.”

“I was meaning to throw that out. It was spoiled.”

I put my face back into my hands. I get up and walk out of the kitchen, through the bedroom, and into the bathroom. I stand in the shower for a long time with the water pounding my back. Things are bad. I can’t make love to my wife, I can’t run bases, and I couldn’t get a hit if they was pitching me basketballs underhanded. And my kid hates me. To top it off, I got a bum leg that don’t hurt.

I’m sitting in the kitchen, reading the paper, and Thelma slides a plate of breakfast in front of me. I’m still thinking about that spoiled ham I got into and I look up at Thelma. Turning down this meal would be a grave error.

I eat and I read in the paper how I ain’t the only person in the world concerned with my slump. The headline of the sports page reads: MARINERS SEEK TO PLUG HOLE IN SUDER’S GLOVE; and below that, Sows Seeds of M’s Misery. I decide to skip the off-day practice Lou has called.

I move into the den and watch some television. I’m on my third soap opera when Thelma calls me into the bedroom. She kisses me and I pull away, shaking my head. It ain’t that I can’t get erect, I can’t stay that way.

“You don’t love me anymore,” she says.

“This sort of thing happens all the time.”

She pulls a tissue from the box on her nightstand and wipes the tears from her face.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

She just stares at me.

“Thelma, try to understand. I’m in a terrible slump. I can’t hit, I can’t field. It’s eating at me. I can’t get my mind off of it.” I look into her eyes. “I still love you.”

“Then show me.”

“There’s more to love than just sex.”

“Original.”

“I promise this won’t last very long. Thelma?”

“You’re only thirty-two.” More tears.

“So?”

“So, does this mean … mean …?”

“No, no, it’s just a passing thing. I promise. I just need to get my head together.”

This seems to quiet her some.

I pull the curtain back at the living room window and see my son getting off the bus. I open the front door and he walks by me, without a word, into the kitchen.

“Peter,” I call to him and follow him into the kitchen. “What’s wrong, son?”

His mother hands him a glass of milk and he looks up at me and says, “Nothing.”

“Your mother tells me you’ve been fighting.”

“Yep,” he says and downs his milk.

“Wanna tell me about it?”

“Nope.” He walks out of the kitchen.

I sit down at the table and bury my face in my hands. I look up to find Thelma’s sympathetic eyes resting on me and she comes over to me and pulls my head into her breast and massages my temples.

“When’s your next game?” she asks.

“Tomorrow night.”

“Good, you need a rest.” I can tell she’s forcing herself, but I appreciate the pampering.

“Does he hate me?”

“No, of course not.”

“He wouldn’t even look at me.”

“He’s just a little upset.”

“I wish I knew what my problem is.”

Thelma doesn’t say a word. She just keeps rubbing my head and sighing and looking out the window. I decide to try again with Peter and what I do is ask him if he wants to play catch.

He nods his head and he grabs his glove and I grab my glove and we go outside. We’re tossing the ball back and forth and I get to thinking and the ball hits me in the face. I pick up the ball and look back at Peter and see him standing there with his glove by his side, looking away. “Ball,” I says as I toss it his way and he puts his glove up and catches it. After a few more tosses my mind slips away again and the ball gets by me and rolls into the street. I chase the ball into the street and a car nearly flattens me and a teenage girl leans out of the car.

“Stay out of the road, stupid!” she screams.

I pick up the ball and turn to see Peter walking into the house and I’m feeling pretty lousy and all I can do is shake my head.


“Ma says doing that will make you go blind,” I said to Martin as I watched the sheet above his middle move up and down.

“She’s crazy,” he said. He moved his flashlight beam to another open magazine.

“I don’t know, I’ve heard other people say the same thing. Reverend Austin from the candy store told Virgil Wallace that doing it would put hair on his palms.”

“He’s crazy, too,” Martin said.

“Why?”

“Because he just is.”

“No, I mean, why do you pull on yourself?” I asked.

“Because it feels good.”

“But why?”

He stopped and turned off his flashlight. “Sometimes you just feel like you have to do it.”

“Virgil Wallace does it all the time out behind the old school. I’ve seen him.”

“Just who is this Virgil Wallace?” Martin hit me with the beam of his flashlight.

I put my arms in front of my face. “Turn that off.”

He turned it off. “Who is he?”

“You’ve seen him. He’s that waterhead fella, wears them bright socks.”

“Oh, you’re talking about Moe.”

“Moe?”

“The guys call him Moe.”

“Why do they call him that?” I asked.

Martin didn’t say anything. We were silent for a while and then the silence was broken by the barking of a dog.

“I’ll bet that’s Dr. Counts’s hound,” Martin said.

“Have you ever seen Lou Ann Narramore?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’ve seen her.”

“What’s she look like? Is she pretty?” I pulled my head up and rested it on my palm, my elbow stabbing my pillow.

“Yeah, she’s pretty,” Martin said. “She’s real skinny and she’s got big … big … Hey, you’re too young to hear this.”

I didn’t say anything. I just looked past Martin and out the window at the moon. The dog had stopped barking and the night became still and very quiet. Then Martin started up again, his flashlight panning from picture to picture.

The next morning I woke up early, got dressed, and went downstairs. I had plans to visit the pond and when I walked into the kitchen I found Ma at the counter, stirring the contents of a bowl and running in place. She was wearing her heavy coat and a brand-new pair of black high-top sneakers. Perspiration was pouring off her face and the fur about her collar looked matted in places.

“What are you doing, Ma?”

“Running … to lose weight…. Lou Ann … Narramore … skinny … lose weight….”

I started out.

“Where … you going?” she asked, still running.

“The pond.”

She stopped running and looked at me. She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand. “Be careful,” she said.


Chapter 4


The next day I show up for batting practice and I find a note on my locker telling me to see Lou Tyler and so I go into his office. I give a knock and he yells for me to come in. Inside, I don’t see him anywhere and I call out his name and he answers me from the bathroom.

“That you, Suder?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m taking a massive grunt here. Make yourself at home.”

Lou’s office is filled with stuffed animals and I’m paying close attention to his newest addition, a big grizzly bear. Lou took up taxidermy when his wife died four years ago and since then he’s been stuffing every dead thing in sight. He’s got birds hanging from the ceiling and snakes on the floor and a goat in the corner and now a bear. He’s got even more displays all over his home. The players got together and managed to keep the creatures out of the clubhouse, but overflow might send them in there yet.

“What is it, Suder?” The bathroom door swings open and there’s Lou sitting on the toilet, holding The Sporting News. “You say something?”

“No,” I tell him.

“How do you like my bear?” He smiles broadly.

“He’s a big one,” I says, looking back at the monster.

“Took me a month to stuff that sucker.”

I follow the jagged line where the bear was sewed up from his neck to his crotch.

“Tell you what,” Lou says. “I’m going to be on this bowl for a while. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll just talk to you from here.”

“Sure, I don’t care.”

“Here,” Lou says, tossing me a can of air freshener. “I’m used to it, but you might have some trouble. Give a blast of that stuff when it gets too strong.”

I nod.

“You know, Roy Rogers stuffed Trigger.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Well, he had him stuffed. He didn’t do it personally. I heard he wants to be stuffed himself when he dies. And then he wants to be set up on Trigger. Ain’t that something?”

“Sure is.”

“I wrote him a letter telling him that I’d be glad to stuff him for free, but I ain’t got no response yet. It’s been seven weeks now. I hope he ain’t died already.” He lets out a load of gas and there’s some splashing. “Better give a spray of that stuff.”

I hold up the can and press the button and shoot myself in the face.

“That’s wildflower scent — watch the bees when you go outside.”

I wipe my face with my sleeve.

“I ate a shitload of spaghetti that my daughter made up, last night.” He tightens his face and grunts and then he reaches back and flushes. “If I never see spaghetti again, it’ll be too soon.”

I’m just standing there, looking up at this vulture he’s got hanging over his desk.

“That’s a turkey vulture,” Lou says. “Look, I’m gonna forget you missed practice yesterday.”

I nod and look back at him.

“Now, about that slump of yours. You know, it wasn’t but a few years ago that you blacks was allowed in this league. The way you been playing lately, they might kick you all out.”

I don’t take offense because I know he doesn’t mean any harm and I don’t say anything.

“You got three more years left on your contract and both of us know you’re good. So, I’ve been talking to the bigwigs and we all agree that you should take some time off.”

“In the middle of the season?”

“The way you’ve been playing you ain’t doing the team no good. Besides, it might help you to be fresh for the end of the season. We’ll put you on the Disabled List — your leg.”

“So, when is this vacation supposed to start?”

“Right now.” He raises his butt up from the stool and looks into the toilet. “Look away. I got to wipe myself.”

I look up at the vulture.

“Okay, that’s got it,” he says and flushes.

I look at him and he’s fastening up his britches and I says, “Is that it?”

“I guess so.”

So, I leave and I go down to clean out my personal stuff and David Nicks is standing beside my locker.

“What’s the story?” asks David.

“Taking a little vacation.”

He sits down. “Oh, yeah?”

“No big deal. On the D.L. I need some time to think about things anyway.”

“They didn’t ax your contract or anything like that?”

“No, they can’t do that. Can they?”

David shrugs his shoulders. “Sometimes I think they can do whatever they want. They didn’t say anything about shipping you to the minors, did they?”

“No, nothing like that. Not yet. They got Ortega filling my spot, and let’s face it, he ain’t a hot glove.” A quarter falls out of my locker and rolls down the aisle and I chase it. And when I look up, there’s Ortega tying up his shoes around the corner. There he is, looking at me with his angry Puerto Rican eyes. “How’s it going, Ortega?” I ask, standing up.

He finishes tying his shoes and gets up and walks out and, all the while, mumbling in Spanish.

I turn and walk back to David. “Man, I tell you, I can’t do anything right.”

“Maybe you do need a rest.”

“You want to come over to the house after the game?” I ask. “Have a beer?”

“Sure.” David slaps me on the backside with his glove and heads out.


All over the ground by the pond were dead sparrows with BBs deep in their bodies. I don’t know what came over me, but I started picking them up. I pulled the bottom of my teeshirt out and away from my belly and put the birds in the net it formed. With my shirt full of dead sparrows I headed back toward the house. I ducked behind a bush when I saw Martin coming my way. He walked past me and on toward the pond. He was carrying his BB rifle. I ran home and managed to sneak up to my room without being seen. I dumped the birds onto my bed and counted them. Thirteen. I picked up one of the sparrows and sat silently, bouncing it on my fingers. I dropped the bird on my bed and went to the hall closet. I pulled down a hatbox and went back into my room and put the sparrows in it. I put the top on the box and slid it under my bed. I stretched out across the bed and imagined the lives of those birds passing up through the box spring and the mattress and into me.

Later, I walked over to the old school building and saw Virgil Wallace. He was sitting with his back against the pole of a basketball goal which no longer had a hoop. Virgil Wallace was about eighteen and real long and skinny. One of his legs was bent and the other was straight out. He was wearing one bright red sock and one bright yellow one. His hand was in his lap and he tossed his head back and looked up at the sky. I moved toward him. I noticed the ringworm on his head.

“Virgil?” I said. I was standing off to his side and slightly behind him.

He didn’t notice me.

I walked around and stood right in front of him and I looked at the hand that was in his lap. He was holding the head of his penis in his hand and it was covered with a milky substance. “Virgil?”

He looked at me. His eyes were half-closed.

“Can I ask you a question?”

He nodded.

“Why do you pull on yourself?”

He held up his hand dripping with the stuff. “For this here.”

“What is it?”

He looked at the stuff on his hand and then, without looking at me, he said, “Life.” He laughed out loud. “Life,” he repeated, looking up at me, the corners of his mouth curled slightly up. He pushed his messy hand toward me: an offer.

I ran all the way home. When I walked into my bedroom, Martin was pacing around, sniffing.

“Come in here,” he said. “Tell me if you smell something.”

I inhaled deeply. “No,” I lied to him.

“You didn’t even breathe.”

“I did, too. I just don’t smell anything. Maybe it’s your lip.”

Martin shook his head and left the room.

I pulled the hatbox from beneath my bed and looked inside at my birds. There were a few maggots moving around. I sneaked the box down into the garage and hid it behind a couple of tires in the corner.


So, I’m sitting in the living room and Thelma is beside me on the sofa and Peter’s on the floor with his toy truck, even though it’s past his bedtime, and neither of them has got much to say to me. The doorbell rings and I get up and let David in.

“Uncle David,” says Peter, running to David.

David picks Peter up and says, “How you doing, pal?” David looks at Thelma. “Hi, Thelma.”

“Hello, David.” Thelma’s voice sounds far off and she barely looks at him.

“I’ll get you a beer,” I says and I go into the kitchen and come back with two beers. “So, who won?”

“We did, eight-one.”

We sit down in front of the television and watch the late news.

“I was thinking,” says David. “Maybe you should go to the country for a while. That’s what I’d do if I had a vacation.”

Thelma’s and Peter’s eyes turn on me. “Look,” I says, “it’s time for the sports.”

On the television the fella runs off some scores and mentions cliff-diving in Mexico and then he says, “A representative of the Mariners said today that the team will play the New York Yankees tomorrow without the services of third baseman Craig Suder, who has been put on the Disabled List. He added that Suder may be out for an extended period. He said that Suder’s pulled hamstring muscle needs complete rest.”

My son turns and looks at me and then he gets up and goes to his room.

“I should be going,” David says and stands up.

I see David out and I turn from the door to face Thelma.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she wants to know. “I thought you just had tonight off.”

“I just found out when I got to the park.”

“What does it mean?”

“Nothing. They just want me to rest and get my head together, is all.”

She looks at me and then she walks away and into the bedroom. I take to looking through the records and I find a Charlie Parker album and it’s got a song on it called “Ornithology” that I remember liking. So, I put this record on and turn up the volume. I listen to this one song maybe a dozen times. I can’t get enough of it. I can’t get past it and I’m really getting caught up in the saxophone solo and I get excited and decide to tackle Thelma.

I undress and I’m waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. She comes out and sees me naked with an erection and she smiles and walks over to me. She puts her hand on it and just like that, just like somebody turns a valve, I go limp. She throws my pecker down against my thigh and climbs aboard her exerciser and rides off.


Chapter 5


Martin and I were out in the yard. Daddy pushed his head out of a window of his office and asked us to come in. Daddy’s office was next door to our house. We walked inside and found Daddy standing beside a sorta heavy fella.

“Boys,” Daddy said, “this is Bud Powell.”

I didn’t know who he was. I just looked up at his smiling face. I liked his face.

“Bud Powell, the piano player,” Daddy said. “The famous piano player.”

I didn’t know who he was, but if Daddy said he was famous, then he was special.

“Hello, Mr. Powell,” Martin said.

Mr. Powell nodded a hello and smiled again.

I didn’t say anything. I was staring at him with wide-open eyes.

Bud Powell laughed really loud and grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. He looked at my face and said, “You remind me of Bird.”

I moved my eyes to Daddy. Mr. Powell was still holding me by the hair.

“Charlie Parker,” Daddy said to me.

I didn’t know this name either, but I liked that he’d said I looked like Bird.

“Mr. Powell is playing over at Fort Bragg,” Daddy said.

“You’re not sick?” I asked. He was still holding my head back.

“Naw, I’m okay,” he said.

“Mr. Powell,” Daddy said.

“Bud.”

“Okay, Bud.” Daddy smiled. “We’re going fishing tomorrow morning and I was wondering if you’d like to join us.”

“Aw, gee,” said Mr. Powell. “Thanks a lot for the offer, Doc, but we’re leaving early in the morning for a gig up in New Jersey.”

“Well, maybe next time,” Daddy said. “Why don’t you boys run on along.”

Mr. Powell let go of my hair and Martin and I went back into the yard.

“I like him,” I said to Martin, looking back at Daddy’s office.

Martin didn’t say anything. He just started off.

“Where are you going?” I asked, following him.

“I’m going to shoot sparrows.”

I stopped. I didn’t go with him.

The next morning the bell rang and Ma jogged to the door and opened it. It was Mr. Powell and he was confused to see my mother wearing a heavy coat, running in place.

“Who are you?” Ma asked.

“Mr. Powell,” I said, running to the door.

“Mrs. Suder,” he greeted Ma.

“Come in,” Ma said. “Ben!” she called Daddy.

“Hey there, Bird,” Mr. Powell said to me.

“Bud,” said Daddy, walking into the room.

“Hey there, Doc. I decided to take you up on the fishing.”

Daddy rowed the boat out into the middle of the river. With the four of us it was a tight fit. The sun was strong and the mosquitoes were thick. Mr. Powell seemed real happy to be with us. Daddy and Mr. Powell were sitting at either end of the boat.

“This is my special spot,” Daddy said. “I can guarantee you the big ones.”

Mr. Powell laughed. “All right, Doc.” He looked at me. “I can’t get over how much you look like Bird. Round the eyes. Round the eyes.” He grabbed my face and tilted it from side to side, looking. “The mouth, too. Doc, your boy got lips like Bird.”

I put my finger to my mouth and traced the outline of my lips. He let go of my face.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” asked Mr. Powell.

Martin and I looked at him.

“What about you, Marvin?”

“That’s Martin.”

Mr. Powell nodded.

“I want to be a dentist.”

Mr. Powell was silent for a second as he looked out over the water. “What about you, Bird?”

“A ballplayer, I guess. Baseball.”

“No, you should go into music. You should pick up the saxophone. You’ve got the lips for it. Lips just like Bird.”

I looked at Daddy and saw him smiling at me. He was sliding his hook through a nightcrawler. “Maybe you should think about that, Craig,” Daddy said. “About taking up the saxophone.” Daddy dropped his line in.

“Why was your wife wearing that coat, Doc?” Mr. Powell slapped a mosquito on his neck.

Daddy sighed and then he looked at Mr. Powell. “Well, Bud, I’ll tell you. She’s crazy.”

Mr. Powell laughed and then he stopped. He just watched as Daddy attended to his line.

“What you got, Daddy?” Martin asked.

Daddy pulled in a catfish. “I told you this was a great spot,” Daddy said.

A few minutes later Mr. Powell snagged something. His line got tight and he started pulling and reeling. “Jesus,” he said. The tip of his pole curved around to point toward the water.

“What you got there?” Daddy asked.

“I don’t know,” Mr. Powell said, “but it don’t seem like no catfish.” He pulled the line in and at the end of it was a sack.

Martin reached over and grabbed the line. He pulled the sack out of the water, over the edge, and into the boat.

“No,” said Mr. Powell, “don’t open it. Don’t open it.” He sat up straight and frowned.

Martin stopped and looked at Mr. Powell. “Don’t open it?”

“Don’t open it,” Mr. Powell repeated.

Martin hesitated, then he grabbed the sack and dumped what was inside onto the bottom of the boat. It was kittens, little kittens, little, wet, dead, decomposed kittens. And a rock.

“Damn,” said Mr. Powell, turning his head.

“I didn’t know what was in there,” Martin said, anticipating a reaction from Daddy.

“Just put them in the sack and toss it back in the water,” Daddy said.

“With my hands?” Martin whined.

“You dumped them out.” Daddy raised his eyebrows.

Martin pushed the kittens back into the sack, and also the rock. Then he dropped the sack over the side. Martin put his hands into the water and rubbed them together.

Not too much was said about the kittens. As the morning passed, Daddy caught a few more fish, Martin caught one, and I pulled in two, but Mr. Powell didn’t catch a single one.

“Well, damn,” said Mr. Powell. “I must be doing something wrong or else you fellas are fishing with cheese.” Just then his line went tight.

“You’ve got one, Mr. Powell,” I said, standing up. I was excited for him. Daddy pulled me down.

“Look at the size of that thing,” Mr. Powell said. Then his line snapped and the pole flew back like a whip. Mr. Powell looked quickly at me and then stepped out of the boat into the water.

Daddy stood up. “Bud!”

The water came up to Mr. Powell’s chest. He was searching around with his hands for the fish. He put his hands, palms down, on the surface of the water and looked around. “Damn,” he said. “Damn.”


The next night I ask Peter if he wants to go to the game with me and he shakes his head and I go alone. I sit in the stands behind our dugout and watch the game. I watch third baseman Manny Ortega initiate a double play and hit a double and clobber a lazy change-up over the right-field fence. I just sorta scratch my head and start feeling uneasy. The Yankees get beat.

After the game, Lou Tyler comes over and spits some tobacco juice and asks if I want to ride home with him.

“I’ve got my car,” I tell him.

“But I ain’t got mine.”

So, after he changes, we go get into my car, but he don’t want to go straight home. “Just where do you want to go?” I ask.

“Find a nice little country road. Get out of town.”

We drive off and he pushes a cigar into his face and starts asking me how things are at home. I tell him that everything at home is just fine.

“How’s Thelma?”

“She’s good.”

“How’s your boy?” He blows some smoke out and then spits out the window.

“He’s okay.”

“David tells me things are sorta tense around your house.”

“Things are fine.” We’re out of the city pretty much by now. There are houses, but less lights. “How far out you want to go?”

“Keep going.”

He sits quietly for a while, gnawing on his cigar. “You know, I really hate that Dome.”

“Yeah? Why is that?”

“I don’t know. It’s big. It’s ugly. It ain’t a ball park. You know what I mean?”

“I know.”

“It just ain’t a ball park. Stop the car!” he shouts and he’s excited and he’s pointing over to the left side of the highway.

I stop the car. “What is it?”

He’s out of the car and across the road and I’m out and after him. “Great,” he says. “Terrific.” He’s looking down at a dog that’s been run over. He bends over and looks at the dog real close. “Good shape.”

“What are you talking about?”

He’s down and picking up this German shepherd dog. “Well, help me,” he says. “This ain’t no little dog.”

“What do you want with this dog?”

“I want to stuff it. Now, help me put it in the car.”

“My car?”

“I don’t see another one. Come on, grab the back legs.”

I bend over and take the back legs in my hands. I look at all the blood and guts running out of the dog’s middle and I feel a little sick. The dog’s head is hanging loose next to Lou’s leg and we walk across the road to the car.

“You want to put him in the back seat or the trunk?” Lou asks.

“I don’t want to put it in at all.”

“We better put it in the trunk — might smell a little.” We put the dog in the trunk and get back into the car. Lou’s eyes are searching the road and the bushes and he’s sitting up close to the windshield.

“What are you looking for?”

“Road kills,” he says matter-of-factly, “like the one in the trunk.”

“You’re not filling my trunk up with dead dogs. I’m sorry.”

“They ain’t gonna hurt nothing. Where else am I supposed to get specimens?”

“Okay, okay.”

“Stop!”

I stop the car and we get out and pick up another dead dog and toss it into the trunk. I got blood on my hands and I don’t like it. I’m getting just a little bit upset. “I hope you’re satisfied. I can smell them up here.”

“There!” he yells and grabs the steering wheel and the car swerves and we just miss this deer running across the road.

“Jesus!” I screamed. “What are you doing!”

“Shit, we missed.”

“You mean to tell me that you really wanted to hit that deer?”

“No, but I need one.”

I let out a sigh and I turn to see Lou yawn and I says, “You ready to go home yet?”

“Yeah, I guess it’s getting pretty late. Too bad about that deer, though.”

“Those are the breaks,” I says.

So, I take Lou home and by the time I get home myself it’s pretty late. I walk into the house and the first thing I hear is Thelma pedaling on her exerciser. I don’t even go into the bedroom. I just walk over to the stereo and put on that Charlie Parker record and listen to that one song over and over. I just can’t seem to get enough of it.

I get to thinking about the saxophone solo on this here recording and noticing how things get built around one melody. Even when the melody ain’t played at all, somehow it’s there and it’s waiting when the saxophone is finished singing. And that’s just what that saxophone does, it sings.

I notice all of a sudden that I don’t hear the exerciser anymore and I look around to see Thelma. She stands there for a second and pulls the sleeve of her pajamas across her forehead, then she turns and walks back into the bedroom. I hear her climb into bed and I get up to switch off the stereo. The music is off and I’m heading for the bedroom when I hear Thelma get out of bed and start pedaling again.

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” I ask as I walk into the bedroom.

“No.”

“Could you stop pedaling for a second? Think of Peter, he’s trying to sleep.”

She stops pedaling and gets off the machine and climbs into bed. I sit on the bed and start to take my shoes off. She lets out a real loud sigh like she wants me to ask her what’s on her mind.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Nothing.” She’s sitting up in bed.

“Okay.”

“I should have married your brother.”

“Yeah?”

“At least he has a normal job.”

“What do you mean ‘normal’?” I stand up and pull off my britches and climb into bed.

“I wish you were a dentist like your brother.”

“Who wants to stick his fingers in people’s mouths all day long?”

“At least you’d be home. You wouldn’t have to go out of town to pull teeth. At least you’d be able to—” She starts crying. “You’re like your mother, you know.”

I roll over and close my eyes.

“That’s it, just ignore me.”

“I’m not ignoring you. I’m tired.”

“Well, it’s not my fault. I’m not to blame. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Of course it’s not your fault.” I sit up. “Please try to be patient. Please try to understand.”

“Understand? Understand? It’s been two months. I’ve been patient.”

“Okay, okay. It’s okay for you to have a headache, but when I say no it’s another story. Is that it?”

“So, we’re even.”

“Jesus.” I roll over and go to sleep and I wake up with a terrible headache. I throw on my robe and walk into the kitchen. It’s late and Peter has gone to school and Thelma’s gone, too. I pour some juice and sit at the table and I start to think about me and Lou Tyler driving around those back roads looking for dead animals. Then I start seeing that vulture Lou’s got hanging over his desk and I get a funny feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I remember those dogs lying on Lou’s lawn and I picture myself lying there with them. To tell the truth, I think it might be an improvement. Nobody expects nothing from them dogs, nobody wants them to do anything. I finish my juice and I walk into the living room and play that Charlie Parker song. The Song.


Chapter 6


Ma never knew that it was her younger-born that knocked her into unconsciousness in the kitchen. So, she read it as a revelation from the Almighty. She figured it was God who slammed her face into the linoleum. When she came home from the hospital she began to mention God a little more often than usual and gradually she spoke of Him quite a bit, except she referred to Him as Max.

“Maxdamnit,” Ma said. “You will too go to the dentist.”

I didn’t say anything. I just stared at her, scared.

“And this dentist is a good Christian dentist,” she added, wiping the perspiration from her face with the coat sleeve.

Martin must have seen it coming because he managed to slip far away from the house early, long before Ma mentioned the dentist. So, it was just Ma and me in the car, silent from driveway to dentist, Dr. McCoy. The waiting room of Dr. McCoy’s office was done all in white and there was a picture of Jesus on each wall. Already seated in the waiting room were several other children and their mothers, all white. The white mothers all stared at Ma in her heavy coat and her black high-top sneakers. We sat down and Ma pulled a tissue from her pocketbook and dabbed at the corners of her nose.

A tall man, a white man all dressed in white, stepped into the room. His complexion was pale, his eyes were powder-blue, and his hair was white. He pulled his palms together in front of his chest. “Let us pray,” he said in a soothing tenor voice. All the white people bowed their heads. I looked at Ma to see her head also lowered. “Our heavenly Father, give us strength to endure the dental trials which lie before us. Give us a steady hand in the wake of deep cavities and let us wade safely through the drainage of abscesses. God, and let us be good little patients, sitting still through every step of the procedure. Amen.”

“Amen,” the voices in the room mumbled.

The dentist pointed a long crooked white finger at me. Ma put her palm against my back and pushed me into standing. I followed Dr. McCoy through a white hallway, past white nurses dressed all in white, and into an examination room all done in white except for the bright silver of the instruments resting on the counter and hanging above and beside the chair. I sat down and the nurse fastened a white bib around my neck and handed me a tissue.

I looked over at the nurse to find her head lowered and her eyes closed. I turned to see that once again the dentist had placed his palms together. “Let us pray,” he said. “Dear God, please let everything go well with this little colored boy.” He switched on the light above my face and looked into my mouth. He pulled back and stood erect. “Lord God, this boy has a cavity that must be filled. Give us a steady hand.” I looked at the nurse. Her eyes were still closed. “Amen.” Dr. McCoy opened his eyes, grabbed the drill, and gave it a couple of whirs.

“Ain’t you gonna give me a shot?” I asked.

“No shots here, son. This is a dental office of the Lord. No shots here.” He put his fingers in my mouth and pried it open. He pushed cotton into my cheeks and hung this metal thing over my lip which sucked up my spit. Then he started drilling. I closed my eyes. It all hurt very much and he was none too fast. I gripped the arms of the chair tightly, digging my nails into the vinyl. He stood up, finished. “Thank you, Lord.”

The nurse pulled the cotton from my mouth. I was breathing rapidly.

“You drink Coke?” Dr. McCoy asked me.

“Huh?”

“Coke is real bad for your teeth. I put a tooth in a glass of Coke once and left it overnight. Next morning the tooth wasn’t nothing but dust.”

I just looked at him.

“Drink milk, boy. Lots of milk.”


The afternoon sun is burning hot like a cheap cigar and the traffic is heavy and I’m reaching back to roll down the window behind me because I can’t get the air conditioner working. I’m going downtown to see my brother at his office and I spend half an hour looking for a place to park. I decide to pull into a space marked for the handicapped and I look up and standing on the sidewalk is a cop. He’s looking right at me and I think about getting out of the car and limping, but I decide to back out. I find a space three blocks away.

I walk through the heat into the building and into the elevator, where I press the fourth-floor button. I’m all alone in there and the doors start to close and this fat hand pulls them open again. In steps this great big fat guy and he’s followed by an enormous woman and an obese young boy. I glance up at this plaque on the wall above the buttons that says just how much weight this machine can hold. I start to do some estimating and figuring and then the elevator moans and I take a step toward the door. The doors close and the elevator slowly starts up. Then there’s this weird noise and we ain’t moving.

The fat man says something to the fat woman in German and then he says to me, “The machine is broken?”

“Yeah, it stopped,” I says and I push the alarm button. The alarm is sounding and I look over at the woman and she smiles and she’s sweating profusely. All three of them are sweating heavily. After a few minutes I says, “I figure somebody’s heard it by now.” I stop pushing.

The kid is staring at me and then he gives a tug on his father’s coattail. The man leans over and the kid whispers in his ear and then they both look at me.

I push the alarm again. After about ten minutes the elevator starts to move. I press the fourth-floor button.

“It was very nice to speak with you,” the fat man says as I step out of the elevator.

I walk down the hall and into my brother’s office. He’s standing there leaning over the desk of his receptionist, talking real low. He stands up straight when he sees me and presses his white jacket with his hands.

“Hi, Craig,” he says.

I wave. “Just thought I’d stop by.”

“Good day for it. Business is slow. Come on back.” He knocks on the desk and winks at his receptionist and leads the way to an examination room.

I walk over to the counter and start messing with some instruments.

“You look flustered,” Martin says.

“Naw, nothing. Fat Germans in the elevator.”

He looks at me funny.

“Never mind. You know, you ought to get somebody to do something about that elevator. Getting stuck.”

“Sit down in the chair and let’s have a look.”

I sit down in the chair. “I want to talk to you about some problems.”

“What are older brothers for?” He pulls my head back and starts probing around in my mouth. “You know I’m always here to help you with your problems. Open wider.”

I pull his hand out of my mouth.

“What do you say we clean them today.”

“I really just want to talk.”

“Well, what’s wrong?” He’s over to the counter grabbing tools and stuff.

“I’ve been in sort of a slump lately.”

“I’ve heard something like that.” He’s back and standing over me. “Open wide.” He puts this metal thing with a hose attached to it in my mouth and it’s sucking up my spit. He starts cleaning my teeth. “Yeah,” he says, “things are tough all over. Take Juanita. She went out the other day and spent seventy dollars on two blouses. Two blouses! Rinse. That’s nothing compared to the money she spent having the backyard landscaped. And it looks pitiful. You told me the winters are mild out here but you didn’t tell me it rains all the goddamn time. But do I get upset? No, not me. Rinse. Your problem — you need to brush a little better in the back — your problem is that you don’t relax enough. You’ve got to learn to take it easy. Rinse.”

The receptionist comes in and tells Martin there’s a patient outside in the waiting room. Martin raises the chair and smiles.

“I’m really glad you came by,” he says.

“Me, too.”

I smile and walk out of his office and wait on the elevator. When the doors open I’m looking at those enormous Germans. So, I take the stairs.

As I’m walking down I start to think that maybe I’m asking too much for anyone to listen to my problems. I mean, maybe people can’t listen and understand if they’re busy expecting things of me. This matter of expectations is really getting to me and I begin to have an identity crisis of sorts. I don’t know if I’m Craig Suder the ballplayer, or Craig Suder the husband, or Craig Suder the fellow talking to the fat Germans in the elevator.

Downstairs in the lobby I run into the Germans again. “Are you on TV?” asks the man.

I look at him and I says, “I am Craig Suder and if you don’t like the way I play ball, you can … you can … suck my bat:”

The fat man opens his eyes wide and I walk out into the street. I head down the street toward the park, where I sit and watch the pigeons. I sit there watching them walk around and this kid starts chasing them and they fly away.


I looked out the window in the living room at the front yard. Ma was resting on her knuckles at the edge of the driveway. Martin came and stood beside me. Ma pushed her butt into the air, leaned forward, and took off in a sprint across the yard. Her coat became full with the wind as she dashed. Daddy came and stood behind us.

“What do you think?” Daddy asked.

Martin and I turned to face Daddy.

“I want to talk to you boys about something.” He paused. “Do you think that your mother would be better off in a hospital?”

Martin looked back out the window.

“She’s not sick,” I said.

“Not that kind of hospital,” Martin said.

“You mean the crazy house?” I opened my eyes wide.

Daddy nodded.

“No,” I said. “No.” I got real excited and my eyes watered up.

“Okay,” Daddy said, calming me down.

Then Ma came running in. She was really sweaty and her coat was soaked. She was panting. “Around the city,” she said. “I’m going to run around Fayetteville. It’s twenty-three miles.” She pulled her hair out of her face. “And I’m going to do it.”


The night of my visit to my brother I’m home sitting alone and Thelma comes in. She’s singing.

“Where have you been?” I ask.

“Just out.”

“Where’s Peter?”

“He’s here.”

“No, he’s not.”

“Peter!” she calls.

Peter appears in the hallway.

“Why didn’t you come when I called you?” I ask.

“I didn’t hear you,” he answers.

“Time for bed, sweetheart,” Thelma says. “It’s eight o’clock. Camp tomorrow.” She points and he walks back to his room.

“What’s got you so chipper?” I ask.

“Nothing.”

“I want you to hear something,” I says to her and I walk over to the stereo. “You have to hear this song.” I put the needle on the record and I turn to find her gone. I sit down and I listen to the song and I’m waiting to hear Thelma start up on her exerciser, but the noise never comes. I get up and walk into the bedroom and I see Thelma getting ready for bed and she’s got a big smile on her face.


Chapter 7


Daddy was standing in the garage with his hands on his hips, looking around, sniffing the air. I was just outside, peering at him from the corner of the house. Martin was coming up the driveway on his bike.

“Martin,” Daddy called.

Martin hopped off his bike and ran to Daddy’s side.

“Martin, take a sniff.”

Martin sniffed and frowned.

“Smells like something dead in here,” Daddy said, “and we’re going to find it.” He paused. “Well, start looking.”

We looked around for a good while and then Martin found my hatbox full of dead sparrows. “Over here, Daddy,” Martin cried.

Daddy looked at the decaying birds. “Jesus. Put the lid back on the box.” He looked at the door to the house. “If your mother put them there, we should leave them there.”

“Ma?” Martin asked.

“Yeah,” said Daddy. “I’d say that’s pretty crazy.”

I didn’t say anything.

“So, you want me just to leave it here?” Martin asked.

“I suppose so.” Daddy scratched his head. “I’ll drop a little charcoal in the box and try to soak up some of the stench.”

Martin pushed the box back behind the tires.

“Your mother must be pretty sick to keep stuff like this around. You boys stay away from this.” Daddy headed out of the garage. Martin followed him.

I stood there for a long time, smelling the stench of the birds, feeling afraid because I thought I was crazy. Daddy just assumed the birds were Ma’s, so he must have thought putting the birds in the box was crazy. But I put the birds in the box, so I figured I was crazy.


I spend the next few days just sitting around the house listening to the song and watching my son walk from the front door to his bedroom without saying anything. Thelma is in a good mood and this bothers me, but I don’t say nothing and I get to feeling a little ashamed for wanting her to feel bad. Peter walks out of his room and quietly toward the kitchen and I ask him if he wants to go to the game with me. He shakes his head and disappears into the kitchen. I walk into his room and get his portable phonograph and I grab my Charlie Parker record and leave for the game.

I’m really early and I go up to Lou Tyler’s office and give a knock. Lou yells for me to come in and I open the door and walk over to his desk. I place the phonograph on the desk and start looking for a place to plug it in.

“What are you doing?” Lou wants to know.

“Where can I plug this in?”

“Behind the goat.”

I walk to the corner and I get down on one knee and reach through the goat’s legs and push the plug into the outlet.

“What you got there?” He’s standing at the bathroom door, buttoning his uniform shirt.

“I want you to hear something.”

“What is it?”

“A song. Sit down.”

He sits down and he’s looking at me funny. “You feel okay? Your leg giving you trouble?”

“Just listen.” I put the needle down on the record and watch for Lou’s reaction.

His face is blank at first and then he starts to frown. “Ain’t there no words?”

“No, just music,” I tell him.

He’s silent for a few seconds and then, “Well, thanks for letting me hear that, Suder.” And he gets up and walks into the bathroom, where he stands in front of the mirror combing the few strands of hair he has.

I pack up and walk out and down into the clubhouse.

“What’s up, Craig?” David greets me.

“David,” I says, “I’ve got something I want you to hear.”

He’s reaching into his locker for his shirt. “What is it?”

“A song by Charlie Parker.”

“The saxophone player?” He’s putting on his shirt.

“Yeah.” I can’t find an outlet, so I says, “Come on in here,” and I walk into the bathroom.

“Come on, Craig. I want to warm up.”

I balance the phonograph on one of the sinks in the long row of sinks. “This won’t take but a minute.” I plug in the machine and drop the needle down on the record.

“That’s great,” David says and walks away.

I don’t call him back because echoes of the song in the bathroom have got me sorta hypnotized. I ain’t never heard anything like it, the way it’s bouncing off the tiles, and I turn up the volume and sit on the toilet. Pete Turner walks by and looks at the record player and then at me. “You heard this?” I ask.

He doesn’t say anything, just walks out.

“Give it a chance,” I says.

So, the game’s about to start and I walk out and tonight I head for the bleachers out in left field and I’ve got my phonograph and record in my lap. I watch the game, but I ain’t really paying attention. Everybody around me is jumping up and screaming and carrying on, but I’m just sitting. Butch Backman steps up to the plate and drives an off-speed pitch high and left. I follow the ball up and then my eye catches this bird that somehow has got into the Dome. I follow the bird all over and up into the rafters and around the beams and then I notice the game is over.

I wait for David and the two of us head out for some drinks. We go to this little bar not far from the Dome and sit down at a table. There’s a band playing some music and people are dancing and it’s pretty crowded. David’s looking closely at the behinds of women on the dance floor.

“I love this place,” David says.

The waitress stops and pulls out her pad and scratches her head. “What’ll it be?”

“Beer,” David says without taking his eyes off the dance floor. His hand is tapping the table in beat with the music.

The waitress looks at me.

“Beer.”

“David, did you like that song I played for you in the locker room?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He’s smiling and watching the women dancing.

“That song does something to me. I mean, that saxophone solo … Well, here, I’ll let you hear it.” I get up and start looking for an outlet.

David looks at me. “What are you doing?”

I don’t say anything. I spot a jukebox across the room against the wall, between the rest rooms. “Over there,” I says and take off.

“Craig.” David follows me. “What are you doing?”

I’m looking behind the jukebox. “They have to plug these things in, don’t they?”

“You can’t-”

“There it is.” I unplug the jukebox and plug in the phonograph.

“There’s a band playing,” David says. “You can’t come in here and play a record.”

“It’s not a long song.” I put the record on the turntable and drop the needle and I turn the volume all the way up.

“Craig, turn that off.” David reaches for the record player.

“Just listen,” I says, blocking him out.

The band stops playing and the people stop dancing and people stop talking and David takes a few steps away from me. The manager of the place comes over and says something, but I can’t hear him, so I lift the needle off the record.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the manager asks.

“I was just playing a song for my buddy.”

“We’ve already got music here.”

“Yeah, and they sound swell,” I tell him, “but it ain’t Charlie Parker. This here is Charlie Parker.” I point at the record.

“Okay, Charlie,” he says and he’s getting mad, “get out.”

David steps in and tries to calm this fella down and he tells me to pack up. He’s looking at me with disbelief. Everybody is watching us as we walk out and the band strikes up as we pass through the door.

In the car, David keeps looking over at me. “Have you been drinking?”

“No.”

He looks at the road. “How’ve you been feeling lately?”

“All right. Why?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Why?”

David looks at me. “No reason.”

There’s a long silence. Then I says, “I think Thelma is seeing somebody.”

“Thelma? No, I can’t imagine that.”

“Can’t you?”

David looks out the side window. “I don’t like your tone.”

“I’m just touchy,” I tell him. “I’m probably just dreaming all this up, right?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Say you ain’t the guy.”

“I ain’t the guy.”

“I didn’t think so.”

David exhales. “Jesus Christ.”

He lets me out at my car.


Chapter 8


“Guess what?” Daddy said, slapping his hand on my shoulder. “Mr. Powell is coming back through Fayetteville.”

“Is he coming here?” I asked.

“Yep.” Daddy sat down with me at the kitchen table.

“He’s coming to dinner,” Ma said, placing a platter of hotcakes in front of us. “Dr. McCoy is coming, too.”

“Who?” I asked and I looked to see a puzzled expression on Daddy’s face.

“Your dentist,” Ma said.

“That man is coming here?” I asked.

“You are joking,” Daddy said.

“No,” Ma said, “I invited him and he accepted.”

“Jesus,” Daddy said.

“Ma, that guy is crazy,” I said. I turned to Daddy. “He prays before everything he does. He dresses all in white. His office is all white.”

“Kathy, I don’t believe you invited that McCoy here for dinner,” Daddy said, pulling a few hotcakes onto his plate.

“Where’s Martin?” Ma asked.

“Asleep,” I said.

Ma turned to face Daddy. “Why shouldn’t I invite him to dinner?”

Daddy didn’t say anything. He just pushed some food into his mouth and chewed quickly, leaning on one elbow. “The man’s a damn bigot.”

“He saw Craig as a patient,” Ma said.

“So what? He’s the worst kind of cracker.” Daddy punctuated his words by pointing his fork at Ma.

“Well, he saw our son as a patient.”

“I don’t know why he did. He probably got paid twice his usual fee. Who knows why this sick cracker took Craig as a patient. Jesus Christ, Kathy. Somebody would think that you—”

“He’s coming to dinner and that’s final.” Ma dumped the skillet into the sink and stormed out of the kitchen. Then she pushed her head back in. “It’s okay for you to invite somebody to dinner. A man who jumps into the river after a catfish.”

“Jesus,” Daddy muttered.

“Why don’t you invite Lou Ann Narramore to dinner, too!” Ma screamed.

Daddy ignored her.

“Did you hear me? Lou Ann Narramore!” Ma ducked back through the doorway. I could hear her in the other room. “From down at the drugstore.”

All the kids in the neighborhood gathered around and stared at the sight in our driveway. Parked behind Daddy’s Mercury was a white Cadillac convertible with white upholstery and white sidewall tires. Out of the big car climbed Dr. McCoy, wearing a white shirt, white shoes, a white tie. The late-afternoon sun was playing off his white hair. His socks were bright red. He walked across the yard toward the front door. I was beside Daddy at the front window, watching Dr. McCoy approach.

“Jesus,” Daddy muttered.

The doorbell rang and Daddy let Dr. McCoy into the house.

“Good afternoon, Dr. Suder,” said the dentist.

“Dr. McCoy,” Daddy greeted him.

“Isn’t this a beautiful day that God has presented us with?”

“Beautiful,” Daddy said.

Ma came into the room wearing her heavy coat and her high-top sneakers. She bounced over to the man in white. “Hello, Dr. McCoy.”

“Mrs. Suder, you’re looking wonderful. The Good Lord has blessed you with beauty.” Dr. McCoy looked down at me. “How are you, Greg?”

Martin came into the room and stopped, confused, as he caught sight of Dr. McCoy.

“Come on in, Martin,” Ma said. “This is Dr. McCoy.”

Martin nodded.

McCoy smiled.

Daddy was watching all of this without any expression. Then the doorbell sounded again. Daddy opened the door.

“Hey there, Doc,” said Mr. Powell.

“Bud.” Daddy stepped aside to let him in.

“New car, eh?” Mr. Powell said as he passed through the doorway. “Pretty fancy.”

“Not mine. Bud Powell, I’d like you to meet Dr. McCoy.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Powell,” said McCoy, extending his hand.

Mr. Powell’s hand closed firmly around McCoy’s rag of flesh. The contrast was striking. “I was just admiring your machine,” said Mr. Powell. I could tell he didn’t know what to make of McCoy. We sat at the table and McCoy closed his eyes and put his hands together.

“Heavenly Father, we thank you for this meal…”

“Just fine,” said Mr. Powell, glancing at McCoy. “It was real hot there. People don’t come out when it’s hot.”

“And bless these peas and sweet potatoes…”

“Atlanta’s going to be even hotter,” Daddy said.

“Lord, help us through these trying …”

“Yeah, well, at least people down this way are used to the heat.”

“And Lord God, bless these good colored folks who I’m eating with.”

Daddy shook his head and smiled and Mr. Powell laughed out loud.

“Amen.” McCoy opened his eyes and looked sternly at Daddy and Mr. Powell. “If you folks believed more strongly in God, maybe you wouldn’t be colored.”

Daddy sat up very straight and his eyes narrowed. He leaned forward on his forearms. “What are you doing in my house?”

“What?” McCoy asked.

“I want to know why a peckerwood like you comes to a Negro house for dinner.”

Mr. Powell raised his napkin to his mouth to hide his smile.

“Ben?” Ma tried to call Daddy off.

“Well, Dr. Suder, I just wanted to see what colored folks was like. So, I could pray for you, like real people.”

“McCoy, you half-baked, Bible-headed redneck, just get out of my house.” Daddy stood up. “Get up and get out.”

Mr. Powell stood up, too.

McCoy looked at Daddy and Mr. Powell and slowly pushed himself up from the table. He looked at Ma, but she didn’t say anything. McCoy walked out of the house.


I’m sitting in the living room listening to the song and looking out the window when Thelma comes in.

“What time does the drugstore close?” she asks.

“Which drugstore?”

“The one on Maple.”

“Six o’clock.”

“Great. You’ve got ten minutes,” she says.

“What do you need?”

“Kotex.”

“Jesus, you know how I hate to buy those things. Especially there. I can’t stand that old lady.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just stands there looking at me.

“Okay, I’ll go.” I hop into the car and drive over to the drugstore and all the while I’m trying to think of what else I should buy because the old lady seems to notice the Kotex pads less if they got company on the counter.

I’m in the drugstore and I pick up a couple of boxes of facial tissue with the Kotex and set them on the counter. The old lady comes out of the back room,

“Hello, Mr. Suder.”

“Mrs. Wilson.”

“Is that it?” She picks up the Kotex. “These ain’t going to help your leg much.” She laughs. “Sometimes I just crack myself up.”

I drive home and when I walk through the door I see ribbons strung all along the ceiling and a banner that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

“Surprise!” shouts Thelma. David Nicks, Lou Tyler, and my brother, Martin, also shout.

Thelma runs to me and kisses my cheek. “Happy birthday, honey.”

I look at each of their faces and then at the cake on the dining room table. The cake’s got a baseball diamond on it and the message HAPPY 33RD, CRAIG.

“It ain’t my birthday. My birthday ain’t for three days.”

Everyone is quiet.

Then Lou says, “Well, better early than never.”

I smile.

“Let’s cut the cake,” says my brother.

“After he opens his presents,” says Thelma.

I turn and see, beside the table, three boxes on top of one large box. I open the gift from Thelma. A pair of silk pajamas. I thank her and kiss her. I open the present from David. An electric razor.

“Thanks, David.”

“Don’t cut your throat with it,” David says.

I open the present from Martin. It is a Water Pik. “Thanks, Martin.”

“Open mine,” says Lou.

“Sure is big,” I says.

“Just open it,” Lou says.

I rip through the paper and open the box and I’m looking down at a stuffed dog. It’s one of the dogs we picked up on the road. I am speechless.

“Pretty good, huh?” says Lou.

“Yeah, great,” I says and I look at Thelma and she’s frowning and I look at David and he’s doing all he can not to laugh out loud.

We sit around eating cake and all the while that dead dog is staring right at me. The dog’s mouth is sewed shut but his tongue is poking out the side and I really want to put him back in the box.

“Pretty good job, huh?” Lou says.

“Yeah,” I says.

“Look here.” Lou puts down his cake and walks over to the dog and turns it over. He’s showing me the belly and he says, “Look at that stitching. That’s a job, huh?”

“Sure is,” I says.

“What do you think of it, Nicks?” Lou turns the dog’s belly to David. “I should be a goddamn tailor. Look at that needlework.”

“That’s something else,” David says softly.

Martin moves to the dog and pulls up on the dog’s lips as Lou is holding him and looks at the teeth, revealing the long, jagged sutures keeping the animal’s mouth shut.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” says Lou. “I got a letter from Roy Rogers.” He puts the dog down.

“Oh, yeah?” I says.

“He sent me an autographed picture. I don’t know what it means. I’m gonna write him again.” Lou looked at the dog. “I wonder how tall he is.”

“That’s great, Lou,” I says. “Ain’t that great, David?”

“Yeah, great,” says David.

We sit in silence for a little while. Then I get to thinking about the song and I get up and start toward the stereo.

“I want you all to listen to something,” I says. I drop the needle down on the record. “Listen to this. You’re going to love it.” I listen for a second. “Ain’t that something?” I close my eyes and listen to the saxophone solo.

One by one, Lou, David, and Martin excuse themselves. And so, I’m all alone with Thelma and the stuffed dog.

Thelma starts clearing things off the table.

“I suppose Peter’s at your mother’s,” I says.

“Yes.” She takes the dishes into the kitchen and comes out pulling her sweater on.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“For a walk,” she says.

“This time of night?”

“It’s not late.”

“Where are you going?” I step in front of the door.

“Craig,” she whines.

“I want to know where you’re going.”

She starts taking off her sweater. “Noplace.”

“Who are you going to meet?”

“I’m not going anyplace.” She sits.

“Who have you been seeing?”

She picks up a magazine. “You’re being ridiculous.” She gets up and shuts off the music. “You’re not well, Craig.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This music, this paranoia. You’re like your mother.”

I open the front door.

“Where are you going?”

“For a walk.” I leave.


Chapter 9


Ma draped the wool blanket all over me. This was after she made me curl up on the floor in the back of Daddy’s Mercury.

“Stay down,” Ma said.

“Ma, it’s hot.” I was already sweating profusely. I started to rise.

She pushed me down. “Stay. Craigie, I’m depending on you. When your daddy stops at the drugstore, you get out and sneak in and then you’ll see. You’ll see them in the act.”

I could taste the salt of my perspiration in my mouth and all I could see were a couple of stripes of light crawling under one edge of the blanket. “But—”

“I’m depending on you. You’ll see. That Lou Ann Narramore.” She closed the door.

All the windows of the car were rolled up tight and I was good and soaked. Then the driver’s-side door opened and Daddy got in. I wanted to get up and tell him of my presence, but Ma’s words echoed in my head: “in the act.” It was a short, uncomfortable ride to the drugstore. After Daddy got out I waited a few seconds and then I tiptoed from the car to the drugstore door. I opened the door slightly and pushed my hand inside, grabbing the bell which dangled from the inside door handle. I slid the rest of me inside. I crawled down the aisle of colognes and hair tonics to the end so I could see the prescription counter.

Daddy was standing there, waiting. Then a pretty young woman with a bright smile came from the back room with a couple of bottles. Daddy looked at the bottles.

“Thank you, Miss Narramore,” Daddy said.

“By the way, Dr. Suder,” Lou Ann Narramore said, “Mrs. Jordan came in earlier today and she said—”

“She’s not to have that prescription refilled,” Daddy said.

I retreated into the aisle. They hardly knew each other. I was relieved, and shocked that Ma could be so wrong. Then I heard the bell on the door and I looked back at the counter to find Daddy gone. I knocked something off a shelf and became afraid. I ran for the door, threw it open, and plowed right into someone.

It was Virgil Wallace. He fell back and hit his enormous head on the sidewalk. His hands moved quickly up, grabbing his skull. I was on top of him. I stood to find the lower front of my shirt and the front of my pants covered with a milky substance. I rubbed the stuff between my fingers and screamed. I felt sick. Virgil Wallace was rolling all over the ground now, still holding his head. I could see a little blood creeping out from between his fingers.

I ran all the way home, through the front door, and up to my bedroom. I sat on my bed, out of breath and scared.

“Well?” Ma asked, bursting into the room.

“Nothing,” I panted.

“What do you mean?”

“They hardly even know each other.”

Her eyes caught the front of my clothes.

I glanced down at the mess and began to shake with fear.

Ma walked to me and stroked the front of my pants and then rubbed the thick substance between her fingers. For the most part it had dried. She looked at me through narrow, angry slits. “Craigie!” she screamed. “I thought you were a good boy!”

“I am a good boy.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve been pulling on yourself.”

“No, I haven’t. Really, I haven’t,” I cried. “I ran into Virgil Wallace, the waterhead boy.”

She didn’t hear my words. She looked at my clothes again. “Come, you have to take a bath.”

I agreed.

“If we don’t hurry, you’ll go blind.” She looked at me, shaking her head. “Undress.”

I pulled my clothes off and then she led me by the hand into the bathroom.

“Sit!” she screamed, pointing at the tub.

I sat in the dry tub. Then Ma turned the cold water on full through the shower. I yelled and tried to crawl out, but she pushed me back.

“You must learn to be good!’’, she screamed. Then she made the shower very hot. “Promise me you won’t do it again!”

“I promise! I promise!”


A couple of days walk by and most all I’ve been doing is listening to the song.

I’m walking around downtown and I pass a music store. I look through the window at the saxophones and then I go inside.

“What can I sell you?” asks the clerk.

“I’m interested in a saxophone.”

“What kind?”

“The kind Charlie Parker plays. I think it’s an alto.”

“An alto.”

“How much do they cost?”

“There’s a whole range of prices. How much are you willing to spend?”

“I hadn’t thought about it.”

“They start at about three hundred dollars.”

“Can I see one of those?” I asked.

“Sure can.” The clerk turns and looks at the saxophones in stands on the shelf behind him and pulls one down. “This one is four hundred dollars.”

“Is it hard to play? I mean, to learn?”

“Piece of cake.”

“I’ll take it. Do I need anything else?”

“Just a reed.” He puts a reed on the mouthpiece. “Goes right here. You just tighten these.”

I nod.

“You gotta remember to suck it, though.”

I look at him.

“The reed. Get it soaked.” He pauses. “Bite down and don’t blow out your cheeks.”

I look at him.

“The mouthpiece.”

“Should I have a book?”

“Naw, you don’t need a book.”

I write him a check for four hundred dollars.

He looks at the check. “Craig Suder, the ballplayer?”

“No.”

“I’ve seen you on television.”

I leave. I go to the park and spend a few hours trying to blow through the horn. Then I head home.

When I get home I don’t see Thelma or Peter. I look out the window and across the street at that white guy’s house. Bill, that’s his name — I remember it now, Bill. His front door opens and out steps Thelma and my jaw drops and I watch as she walks toward the house. I open the door.

“So, I was right,” I says. “Jesus, Thelma, why him? Why some white guy?”

“What are you talking about?”

“What am I talking about?” I’m pacing. “I’m talking about adultery, fooling around, you carrying on with the neighbor, Bill.”

“I’ve never seen you just this way before.”

“You’ve never seen me just this way?”

“I was borrowing some paprika, see?” She holds up a little tin.

“Paprika? You can do better than that. Paprika? What kind of single man keeps paprika in his house?”

Thelma walks to the kitchen. “He’s very nice.”

I follow her. “I’m sure. Who borrows paprika?”

“Are you through?”

I don’t say anything. I just walk out of the kitchen and pace around the living room. Then I go back to the kitchen. “I know how to get to the bottom of this.”

“What?”

“I’m going to have a word with Bill.” I head off to the front door.

“Craig, no.” She’s behind me.

I open the door. “Yes.”

Thelma follows me across the yard and she’s pleading. “No! Please. Nothing’s going on. I swear, Craig.”

“We’ll see. We’ll see.” I ring Bill’s bell.

Bill pulls open the door.

I slap him flat-palmed in the chest and he rocks back. “What’s the story, Bill?”

He looks at me and then at Thelma. “What’s going—”

I interrupt him. “Let’s have it, Bill.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about you and my wife.” My hands are in fists.

“Bill,” says Thelma, “I’m sorry. He’s crazy lately.”

I turn to Thelma. “Crazy? I’m not crazy and I’m sure as hell not blind.”

“Let’s talk-” begins Bill.

“Are you ready, Bill?” I ask.

“What for?”

I punch Bill in the face and Thelma jumps on my back. I shake her off and chase Bill across the room and I tackle him. His head hits the doorframe and he starts to bleed.

“You’re crazy!” screams Thelma. “You’re insane!”

I stand over Bill and look down at him. I walk back to my house and collect my record, my phonograph, and my saxophone. I leave home.


Part II


Chapter 10


Sid Willis is an old fella who used to play ball and he’s got this boat he all but lives on and I decide to look him up. I drive out to the docks and park and take off along the waterfront, carrying my saxophone, phonograph, and record. There are lots of people milling about and buying fish. The air is full of the smell of fish and the shouts of the men selling the fish. I’m walking along, looking out over the Sound, and the sunlight is bouncing off the water and I think it’s real pretty.

There’s a great big tent in this parking lot, like the ones they use at revival meetings. I hear something like a blast from a horn and I think it sounds like an elephant. I walk into the tent and sure enough there’s an elephant. It really smells in the tent and though they got big fans blowing it’s hot and sticky. The elephant lets out another blast. There’s a man standing on a platform next to the elephant and he’s barking like a carnival man.

“Test your smarts! Test your inventiveness! Test your ingenuity!” he shouts. “Two dollars for a chance at five hundred! Two dollars for a chance at five hundred! If you can make the pachyderm jump up from the ground I’ll give you five hundred dollars! Two dollars to try!” He stops and views the crowd. “Test your smarts! Test your …”

People are paying him and walking back to stand in line. These folks are carrying all sorts of things. I’m watching and not really believing it as these people take turns trying to make this elephant jump up. A man with a set of cymbals stands just off to the side of the elephant and slams them together. The elephant doesn’t budge. A kid lights a string of firecrackers and tosses it down by the pachyderm’s feet. No reaction. I watch as an old woman shoves a hatpin into the animal’s hide and I see a little girl let mice out of a shoe box and an old man fire a pistol by one of them giant ears. The elephant doesn’t move a muscle, just stands there.

I turn around and walk out of the tent and back to my car, where I open the trunk and pull out my baseball bat. I stow it under my arm next to my saxophone and I walk back to the tent. I left Thelma pretty suddenly, so I ain’t got no bucks to speak of. I could use the five hundred and I know just how to get it. I pay the woman two dollars and take a place in line. I wait while a number of people try and fail to make the elephant jump.

It’s my turn. I put my saxophone, record, and phonograph down on some hay and take my bat around in front of the elephant. I wave the bat in his face and I walk around to the back of him and I get into my stance, my feet on either side of the big chain attached to his leg. Then I swing like I’ve been given the green light and hit that elephant flush in the balls and he lets out this god-awful trumpet blast and jumps clear off the ground. Everyone is stunned and quiet.

I flip the bat in my hand like a baton and the man from the platform walks over to me. He stands there for a second with wet eyes, just looking at me.

“Well,” I says, “I did it.”

He doesn’t say a word. He just pulls out a great big wad of money and counts me out five hundred.

“Thanks.” I close my fingers around the money and look over at the elephant. The animal is stepping forward and back.

The man turns and walks back to the platform and waves his arms and announces that he is now closed. I put the money in my pants and I pick up all my things and leave the tent.

I walk on down the waterfront and then I see Sid Willis’s boat, The Ugly Lady. Sid is standing on deck and he turns and sees me when I’m halfway down the pier to his boat. A smile comes across his dark face and his eyes light up under that big bush of a eyebrow that stretches across his forehead and the sunlight is playing on his bald top.

“Hey there, Sid,” I says.

“Craig Suder?”

“Yeah.” I stop in front of him.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” He laughs. “Come on aboard, boy.”

I hop onto the boat.

He reaches to grab my hand, but my arms are full. “Put something down,” he says, “so I can shake your paw.”

I put my saxophone and everything down and I take his hand. “It’s good to see you, Sid.”

“It’s good to see you, boy. I’ll be damned. Just come by to chew the fat?”

“No, I’ve come by to see if I can spend a few days with you.”

“You don’t say. Well, damn.” He runs his hand over his head. “I’d be glad to have you. Stay as long as you like. I been needing some company. Well, damn.” He looks out over the Sound. “Want a beer?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on,” he says and turns and goes down a ladder into the cabin.

I follow. “How come you call your boat The Ugly Lady?” I ask.

“Named her after my second wife.” He reaches into the ice chest and pulls out a beer and tosses it to me.

“Thanks.”

He pulls one out for himself. “What you doing here in the middle of the season?”

“Let’s say I’m on vacation.”

“You get axed?”

“No.”

“Slump?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, you can stay here as long as you like.” He pulls his hand over his head and rubs the perspiration between his fingers. “Let’s sit up on deck.” We go up on deck and sit down. “What about things at home?”

I question him with my eyes.

“Things at home okay?”

“Fine.” I finish my beer.

“Damn, you went through that fast. Want another?”

I shake my head. “I just thought I’d come by and pay you a visit and maybe sneak some fishing in.”

“Fishing, it is,” he says. “I got some cod in the cooler right now. You want to head out some and poke around for tuna?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” He looks up at the sky. “Well, hell, we couldn’t have asked for a prettier day. What do you say we head out now?”

I nod. “Can I put my things below?”

“Yeah, yeah, make yourself at home.”

I take my things down into the cabin and then I’m back on deck.

“Why don’t you untie that there,” says Sid, pointing to where the boat is tied to the pier.

I do as he says and then he cranks up the motor and we’re off. I climb up the ladder to where he’s steering the boat. I’m looking ahead out the window.

“Not much traffic today,” he says. “I got a great spot.” He pauses and looks at me. “I’ll be damned.” He’s smiling and shaking his head.

We cruise through the Sound and head three or four miles out. We drop in a couple of lines and just sorta set back and take it easy. The sun is bright and the breeze is good and I get relaxed. I start to drift off into sleep.

“I got one!” Sid says, sitting up straight.

I sit up and see his taut line and then this fish shows himself. “Look at the size of that baby,” I says.

“Yeah, that’s a nice-sized one. Nice size.” He lowers his rod and lets the fish run.

I’m standing up and walking around in back of Sid. “Look at that sucker go.”

The line stops feeding out and Sid pulls up on the rod and starts reeling him in. The line becomes really taut again and Sid points the tip of the rod at the fish once more. “You gotta play him right, boy.” He pulls his face across his shoulder. “Do me a favor, Craig, and wipe the sweat off my head.”

I am looking for something to wipe his head with. “What do you want me to use?”

“Take the rag out of my back pocket.” He starts reeling the fish in again. “The sweat’s real annoying.”

I pull the rag across that shiny dome of his. “There you go.”

A half hour passes with me periodically wiping the sweat off his top. He’s letting the fish run again and he looks up at me.

“Boy, I’m tired,” Sid says. “Take this thing while he’s running. He’s weakening, I can tell.”

I take the rod and reel and his seat and he takes to wiping perspiration from his face and head. “Play him, boy,” he says as I start reeling. He ducks down into the cabin and comes up with a bottle of bourbon. “Play him, Craig.” He moves behind me. “That’s it, bring him in.”

I continue to reel him in.

“That line’s looking mighty hard. Maybe you should let him out some.” I push the button and point the rod down and the fish takes off. “My hands are getting real sweaty,” I says to Sid.

He doesn’t answer.

I start reeling again. “My hands,” I says.

“That’s it, reel him in.” He takes a swig from the bottle. “Let him out again.”

I forget to push the button and I point the tip of the rod at the fish and the whole works is ripped right out of my hands. I close my eyes.

“Damn shame,” says Sid and he walks away and down into the cabin.

I sit there for a long while, just looking at the ocean.

We’re starting to lose daylight as we pull into the dock. I hop out of the boat and tie it up. Sid is standing on deck, taking a swig from his bottle of bourbon.

“I’ve got something I want you to hear,” I says.

“Yeah?” He screws the cap onto his bottle. “What is it?”

“I’ll get it. Hold on.” I go down into the cabin and come up with my phonograph and my record. I’m looking around for an outlet and then I look at Sid.

Sid points to the base of a lamp on the pier.

I jump off the boat and plug in the machine and play the record.

“That’s real pretty,” Sid says. “Who is it?”

“This is Charlie Parker.” I smile.

“Yeah, that’s real pretty.” He looks at the lights around. “What do you say we go scout out some women?”

I pick the needle up off the record and I’m really pleased that he likes it. “Where do you want to go?”

“There’re a couple of bars around here.”

“Sure. Let me get my horn.” I run into the cabin and grab my saxophone. I pick up my phonograph and record and we walk away from the boat.

“You need to carry all that shit?” Sid wants to know.

“Yeah.”

We walk along the waterfront until we come to this little tavern. There ain’t many people inside and we grab a couple of stools. I put my things on the bar and the bartender tells me I have to move it all. I put my phonograph and record on the floor and I hold my horn in my lap. We down a couple of beers and the place starts to fill up.

This guy hops on a stool in the middle of the floor and he’s holding a guitar. He starts to playing and singing, but what he’s playing ain’t nothing like Charlie Parker.

“Craig,” Sid says, “if you just gonna keep that horn in your lap, it’s about as useful as tits on a boar hog.” He pauses. “If you ask me.”

I don’t say anything. I just look back at the fella singing. I pick my saxophone up out of my lap and walk over to the singer. I stand there right in front of him and he stops in the middle of a song.

“Yeah?” he asks.

“You know ‘Ornithology’?”

“No, who’s it by?”

“Charlie Parker.”

He looks at me, puzzled-like.

“Charlie Parker, the saxophone player.”

“I don’t know him or the song.”

“I’ll play it for you.” I walk to where Sid is sitting. People in the tavern are grumbling: “Hey, what happened to the music?” “What’s the story here?” “Let’s have a song!”

“What you doing, boy?” Sid asks.

“I’m gonna play the song for him.” I pick up my phonograph and record off the floor. I walk back to the middle of the floor and I’m looking around for an outlet.

“Hey, friend,” the singer says, “why don’t you wait until I finish this set? I’ll listen to it then.”

“Well, I don’t see an outlet. I guess I’ll just have to play it on my horn.” I put the mouthpiece to my lips and start blowing. I’m making a lot of honking sounds.

“Somebody make that drunk sit down!” someone shouts.

“Take that weapon away from him,” says another.

The singer pulls on my arm. “You’re upsetting everybody.”

I stop playing and look into all the faces, annoyed and angry faces. I take my things and walk back to the bar.

Sid slaps my back. “That was pitiful.”

The bartender puts a beer in front of me. “Ain’t you Craig Suder?” he asks.

I look at him for a long second and then I get up and walk out of the place.

Sid follows me out. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Sid slaps me on the shoulder with the back of his hand as two women thick with makeup walk past us into the bar. “You see the way she looked at me?”

“No.”

“She’s got eyes for me.”

“You’re imagining things. Let’s go.”

“No, no, I’ve got to check this out.” Sid starts back into the bar. “Come on.”

“You go on. I think I’ll head back to the boat.”

“Suit yourself.” He disappears into the tavern.


The whole house felt like it was shaking. I crawled over Martin and his bed to the window and saw a big truck parked out front.

“What is it?” Martin asked, sitting up in bed.

“A truck.” I slid into my slippers and ran downstairs.

Ma was standing at the open door in her coat, rubbing a dish towel over her hands.

“What is it?” I asked and I looked out into the yard and saw Daddy approaching the truck from his office. I ran out into the yard. “Daddy, what is it?”

Martin was out of the house now in pants and tee-shirt.

The men from the truck were pulling a great big piano out and down the ramp.

“What’s the piano for?” Martin asked.

“It’s Mr. Powell’s,” Daddy said. “He’s going to be staying with us for a while.”

“Why?” Martin asked.

Daddy watched the piano move past us toward the house. “He’s taking a little rest here.” Daddy turned and walked back to his office.

Martin and I watched as the movers removed the legs of the piano and slipped it into the house. The big grand piano took up most of the living room and we had to detour clean around it to get to the stairs.

Martin and I sat on the stairs, looking down at the piano. “Pretty neat, huh?” I said.

Martin didn’t say anything.

“You don’t like Mr. Powell, do you?”

“I like him okay.”

Ma came into the living room and started polishing the piano.

“Where are you going?” Daddy asked Ma.

Ma had her pocketbook and was by the door. “I’m going to a meeting.”

“What sort of meeting?”

“Dr. McCoy’s Bible group.”

Daddy’s palm flew up against the door and he leaned, holding the door tight. “Put your bag down. You’re not going.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re not getting tied up with that lunatic McCoy.”

“Why not? I’m a lunatic.”

Daddy snatched Ma’s pocketbook away. “Go upstairs!”

Ma went running upstairs, crying. Daddy fell against the door and rubbed his forehead. He tossed Ma’s bag into the umbrella stand, walked into the living room, and sat on the piano bench.

I sat beside him. “When does Mr. Powell get here?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“In the morning,” Daddy said.

“Daddy, is Mr. Powell sick?”

“He’s tired. He’s coming here to rest.”

Just then, Martin came running into the house. “Daddy! Daddy! Come quick!” he shouted.

Daddy was up and following Martin through the front door and I was close behind. We ran out into the clear night to see Dr. McCoy standing next to our house, looking up into a tree. Ma was in the tree, trying to get down.

“Hey!” Daddy yelled.

McCoy didn’t even turn to look, he just ran to the street and climbed into his white Cadillac. Daddy picked up a stone and hurled it at McCoy and then he turned to Ma.

“Come down, Kathy,” Daddy said.

“I can’t. I’m stuck.”

“Then go back through the window.”

“I can’t.”

“Try!”

“I can’t.”

“Then jump!” Daddy shouted.

“Are you crazy?”

Daddy looked at Martin and me. “It’s only a few feet. Jump!”

Ma jumped and rolled across the ground. Daddy helped her up and took her inside. Martin was shaking his head. His eyes caught mine.

“She really oughta be put someplace,” Martin said.

“She’s our mother,” I said.

“So? Crazy is crazy and crazy people should be put away somewhere.”

I turned and walked into the house.

The next morning Martin and I left the house and went to the old school yard. We were just standing around with Bucky and Wendell and Fred. They were Martin’s age. Bucky was bouncing a basketball against the wall of the building.

“What was all that in your yard last night?” asked Wendell, who lived across the street from us.

“That was their mama,” said Fred, Wendell’s twin brother. “Their mama was in a tree.” They laughed.

Bucky caught the ball off the wall. “Your mama is touched, huh, Martin?”

“You take that back,” I said, stepping toward Bucky.

Martin pulled me back. “Calm down. He’s right.”

I stared angrily at Martin.

“Well, well, well,” said Fred, looking across the street. “That’s Naomi Watkins.” He pointed with his head.

“Word’s out that she does it,” Wendell said.

“Oh, yeah,” Martin said, staring.

Bucky stopped bouncing the ball and turned around. “Like that, do you?” he asked, tossing the ball to Martin.

“You don’t want any of that,” said Wendell. “They say she’s got VB.”

“That’s VD, stupid,” Martin said.

“Oh.”

“Maybe Craig wants to take her on,” Bucky said.

I was just looking at her. I thought she was real pretty.

“Go talk to her,” Bucky said to me.

“Yeah, go on,” said Fred, pushing me, “little man.”

“Leave me alone,” I said.

Martin laughed.


Chapter 11


Mr. Powell was sitting at the piano, staring at the keys, when I walked into the house. He didn’t notice me. He just kept staring at the keys. I slowly walked toward him. I was next to him.

“Hey there, Bird,” he said, turning his face to me.

“Hey, Mr. Powell,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“Looking at the keys.”

“How come?”

“Listen to this.” He started playing. “This is a song called ‘Ornithology.’ Charlie Parker wrote it.”

“That’s pretty.”

“I’m playing it slow, but it don’t matter. Long as I play it.”

“That’s real pretty.”

“That’s jazz,” he said, and tossed his eyes to the ceiling, “and jazz is life. Jazz is life.”

“What is it?”

Mr. Powell looked at me and stopped playing. “What is what?”

“What is jazz?”

He hit a chord and held it. “Jazz is one step beyond, one giant step.” He hit another chord. “Charlie Parker is dead now, but not really.”

We were silent for a time while he struck a series of chords that filled the room. Then Ma came trotting through in her coat and she went out the front door. Mr. Powell stopped playing.

“My mother’s crazy,” I said. My eyes fell to my lap.

“Maybe not crazy,” said Mr. Powell. “Maybe just different.”

I looked at his eyes. They were tired, somehow distant.

“Why don’t you run on now and play.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later, Mr. Powell.” I headed for the door.

“Hey, Bird.”

I turned.

“Call me Bud.”


I’m naked under the covers in the cabin of Sid’s boat when I hear some voices on deck. I can make out Sid’s voice and I can hear at least two female voices and they all sound drunk. They’re loud and laughing and I hear them knocking things over. I pull the blanket up around my neck and close my eyes and try to block the noise out. Then the hatch opens and I hear someone stumbling down the ladder and the light comes on. I shade my eyes and I’m looking at Sid and he’s swaying from side to side.

“Got something for you, boy,” he says and he raises a hand and helps this woman down the steps into the cabin. “Ain’t she something?”

I sit up and pull the blanket across my lap.

“Here he is, gal,” Sid says to the woman, and then to me, “I gotta go back topside. I got two for myself.” He starts up the stairs and then leans back. “I had no idea things would work out like this. Boy, you’re my good-luck charm.” He heads out. “Damn!”

The woman Sid leaves with me is out-of-her-head drunk and she’s staggering around, talking all sorts of nonsense. “You know Timmy?” she asks.

I shake my head.

“You don’t know Timmy? That’s too bad. Timmy is some body you should know.” She points a finger at me and takes a step closer. “You’re not Timmy.”

“No.” I don’t know quite what to do, but dressing seems like a good idea and I reach for my pants, which are on the floor by my feet.

“What are you doing?” she asks, frightened.

“Putting on my pants.”

“No, don’t pull a knife!”

I just tilt my head and look at her.

She screams.

The hatch opens and Sid yells down, “Go get her, boy!”

The woman looks at me silently and then she closes her eyes and begins to sway. Then, just like a felled tree, she topples toward me. I catch her and lay her on the bunk. She’s out cold and I look at her face and I think her features sorta attractive. She ain’t covered with paint and powder like the women Sid went chasing after and I notice that I have an erection. I look under the blanket at myself and then I look at the woman and she looks even better than before. The next thing I know I’m taking her clothes off and sliding her well onto the bunk. I hold myself over her for a long time, wondering if I should do it to an unconscious woman. Yes. I lower myself on top of her and I’m looking at her face and her eyes open. Her eyes open wide and my pecker goes limp and I roll off of her and stare at the wall.

“What’s wrong, Timmy?”

I roll over.

She sees my face. “You’re not Timmy!” She looks and finds that she ain’t got no clothes on. She screams and grabs her clothes and runs out.

I pull my britches on and step up to the deck and see the woman who was with me running down the pier. Sid is doing pushups and two real-made-up women are watching him.

“How many is that, sugar?” Sid asks one of the women.

“Twenty-something,” she says.

Then as Sid is holding himself up, arms stiff, he vomits.

“Maybe you should stop,” says the other woman.

“Naw,” Sid says and continues to do pushups. He does about four more and his face is coming really close to his mess. Then he passes out and plops facedown into his vomit.

The women look at each other and frown and then pick up their things and leave the boat. I watch them as they stagger away down the pier and along the waterfront. Then I check on Sid. I’m afraid he might drown in his puke, so I roll him over and pull his handkerchief out of his pocket and wipe his face.

Sid comes to. “How many was that?” he asks and then he passes out again.

I toss a blanket over him and then I climb back down into the cabin and go to sleep.


We played church-league baseball. Martin and I were teammates on the First Calvary Baptist Bulldogs. Bud and Ma came to watch us play the Bethel A.M.E. Tigers. Daddy had to work. I was glad Bud had come, but it sorta turned my stomach to see Ma in the stands, with all the other parents, wearing her heavy coat. It was ninety-five degrees.

The first time Martin stepped up to bat, Ma ran down the bleachers and to the high fence behind the catcher. Her fingers grabbed the chain-link fence like she was a caged animal. She yelled at Martin. “You pull on yourself, Martin!” She moved along the fence. “You’re a disgusting person, Martin! My son, the pervert!” Martin looked ahead at the pitcher. “Clench that bat, Martin!” Ma shouted. “Wrap those nasty fingers around it. Is that how you hold it, Martin?”

Martin swung wildly at three pitches and was out.

“You’re out, Martin! You’re out! Now you can do it on the bench!”

Bud came down and grabbed Ma and pulled her back to the bleachers.

Then I came up to bat. “Come on, Craigie!” Ma screamed. I slapped the ball into an empty spot in left field and started for first. All of a sudden I realized that I wasn’t alone on the baseline. Ma was beside me. “Come on,” she said, “hurry up, move it.” I stopped running and looked over at Mr. Jeffcoat, the manager of our team; his face was in his hands. I looked at Bud and he shrugged his shoulders. The left fielder held the ball and looked on. Ma was at first base now, yelling for me to come in. I trotted on to first. The umpire asked Ma to leave the playing area. She nodded and walked back toward the bleachers.

On her way to the stands, Ma stopped at the Bulldog bench to yell at Martin. “Your brother got a hit, Martin. Why couldn’t you? Does the hair on your palms make the bat slip?”

Martin got up and ran away. I just stood with my foot on first, my hands resting on my knees and tears rolling down my face.

Soon the game was going again. I tried to endure the embarrassment, but I failed. As soon as our side was out, I slipped away and ran home.

Martin was lying facedown on his bed, crying, when I walked in.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He sat up quickly and glared at me. “Just go away. Why don’t you and Ma just go away?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Leave me alone.” He ran out of the room.

I stretched out on my bed and looked at the ceiling. I tried to hate Ma, but I didn’t understand enough to hate her. I was just confused. I wondered if the fact that I didn’t hate her meant that I was crazy.

That night we sat around and listened to Bud play the piano. Daddy and I really enjoyed it, but Martin seemed annoyed. He was upset about the game and not thrilled at all by Bud Powell’s presence.

“Play that song,” I said, ‘Orthinology.’”

“That’s ‘Ornithology,’” Daddy corrected me.

“I’ll play it for you, Bird.” Bud played it. I could feel the push of the song, a tension. It seemed like Bud was going somewhere he wasn’t supposed to go.

I was looking for Martin. I walked down to the pond and kicked a couple of dead sparrows. Then I went looking around Wendell and Fred’s house across the street. There was an old toolshed in their backyard that the fellas used as a clubhouse. I could hear laughing and so I peeked inside through a space between two boards. Sitting on the only chair was Naomi Watkins, her dress pulled up and held under her elbows, so her lacy panties showed. But I could only look at her face. She had a real pretty face. I could see Martin and the twins. Then somebody grabbed me from behind. It was Bucky.

“You oughta be ashamed of yourself, peeking in at people.” He pushed me inside. “Look what I found.”

“Hey, hey, just in time,” said Wendell. He winked at his brother.

Martin looked at me angrily. He was still upset about Ma and the baseball game. It didn’t matter to him that I had been embarrassed, too. “Make him touch it.”

I fought Bucky’s hold and then Fred helped him control me. Wendell grabbed my hand and pulled it toward Naomi’s crotch. Wendell moved the back of my hand against the smooth panties. I looked right into Naomi’s eyes. Her eyes were soft, vacant in a way, somehow stupid.

“No, make him touch it, really touch it,” Martin said and then he yanked Naomi’s underwear to her knees.

I struggled, but slowly Wendell pulled my hand down again. I closed my eyes tightly as my fingers pushed against the soft hair and soft flesh. I opened my eyes and found Naomi smiling a stupid smile. I screamed and ripped away from their grasp and ran out of the shed. I ran home and into the bathroom, where I held my fingers under the running water for a long time.

I went into my bedroom and looked out the window. Ma was sprinting back and forth across the yard. I could hear Bud playing the piano downstairs. I kept hearing his words. He said that maybe Ma was just different. I was searching for “just different” in the woman dashing back and forth, back and forth, but all I saw was crazy. And again I was scared to death that whatever sickness was loose in my mother was also loose in me. I closed my eyes and told myself I wasn’t crazy. I left my room, walked down the back stairs, and entered the garage. I took the hatbox of dead birds from behind the tires and carried it to the trash can by the street. I went back into the house and sat on the sofa while Bud played. I fell asleep.


“Wake up, Craig.” Sid is shaking me.

My eyes open and I yawn and I stretch a little. “What is it?” I ask in the middle of a second yawn.

“Time to get up,” he says, walking across the cabin. He stops at the counter and pours two mugs of coffee. “I must have had some time last night.”

“I guess.”

“I remember doing pushups.” He comes over and gives me a mug of coffee. “But that’s about all I remember.”

I reach down and pick up my britches.

“How’d you like the honey I picked out for you?”

I’m pulling on my pants. “She was okay.” I stand up and fasten my belt and then I stretch. “So, what are we up to today?”

“I thought we’d take a little trip,” he says, moving up the steps to the deck.

I follow him and I’m pulling my tee-shirt on and I step out into the morning. “Where are we going?”

“South.”

“Where south?”

“San Francisco.”

“Why?”

Sid looks up at the sky. “Good weather. I figure we’ll load up the deck with barrels of fuel.”

“I don’t know if I want to go all the way to San Francisco,” I tell him.

“Well, I’m going and if you want to come you’re welcome, but I ain’t gonna beg you. I got business in San Francisco and I mean to take care of her.”

I look out over the Sound. “I’ll go.”

Sid leans against the railing. “You know, I wasn’t ever happy playing baseball.”

“No?”

“No, and I resented the reason they let me into the majors.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Well, when I started there wasn’t but four or five blacks playing in the big leagues and they was all excellent — Jackie Robinson, Satchel Paige, and like that. And they brought me in because they was looking for a darky that wasn’t so good.”

“I don’t follow you.”

“I guess they figured they had to show that dark folks could be bad, too. I mean, every black playing was great and then came Sid Willis, Mr. Below Average. And I ain’t even black.”

“You ain’t?”

“Hell, no. I’m a Narragansett Indian. I was born in Rhode Island.”

“You sure look black.”

“Well, I can’t help that. Those damn white boys on the team would call me nigger and I’d tell them I was an Indian and they’d just laugh.” He stops and looks up at the sky. “Then one season things just fell into place and I was hitting like three-fifty and they let me go.”

“Why’d they do that?”

“Because all of a sudden I was another excellent dark-skinned ballplayer, that’s why.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I says.

“That’s white folks.” He looks at me with a single raised eyebrow. “This slump of yours — pretty bad?”

I nod. “I can’t seem to get anything right. I can’t seem to shake it.”

“Problems in bed … with the wife?”

I look over the side of the boat at the water.

“That happened to me with my second wife. Her name was Wendy. Wendy the Witch. Except it wasn’t no slump that kilt my wiener. It was sober vision. I dried up and there she was. Arf, arf.”

“Well, Thelma’s no witch. And I’m sober.”

“I wasn’t saying nothing about your wife.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “I was just telling you what happened to me.”

“I don’t want a divorce.”

“I didn’t want one neither.”

“But I thought you said she was a witch.”

“Well, yeah, but I couldn’t afford no divorce.” He pauses. “So, I killed her.”

I stand up straight and look him in the eye.

“Right out there”—he’s pointing out into the Sound—“I dumped her right out there. Didn’t nobody miss her. Who misses a witch?”

I chuckle.

“You think I’m bullshittin’. I killed the bitch with my bare hands clamped around her ugly throat.” His hands are up in front of him like he’s choking someone. “Then I cut her nasty fat body up into chunks and stuffed her into this great big tuna I caught. Dumped her right out there.” He’s laughing. “Too bad that fish was dead. That would have been a meal for his ass.”

“Come off it,” I says.

He just laughs. “It’s gonna take a couple of days to get to San Francisco. I figure we’ll make a stop in Oregon. Maybe Newport. How’s that sound?”

I nod.

“Right out there,” he repeats. “Damn, that was exciting.”


Chapter 12


I’m standing on deck and the early-afternoon sun is real bright and I’m practicing with my saxophone. This old pickup truck stops at the end of the pier and two young fellas hop out. One of them is skinny and he’s got a beard and the other is real big and they’re heading my way.

“Sid Willis around?” asks the beard.

“Yeah,” I says and call down into the cabin for Sid.

Sid comes up and sees the two fellas. “Good, you’re here with my fuel.”

“Yeah, the fuel,” says the big guy, with a stupid grin on his face.

The two fellas start back toward the truck and Sid turns to me. “You wanna give them a hand?”

The skinny guy turns around and says, “We don’t need any help.”

They walk on to the truck and when they get there the beard lowers the tailgate. Then this big fella picks one of the barrels up and puts it on his shoulder. He carries the drum all the way to the boat and the beard is behind him, guiding him. They do this six times.

“That’s it,” says the skinny guy with the beard.

“I’ll walk you to your truck,” Sid says and the three walk away from the boat. They stand by the pickup and chat for a while and then some money changes hands, but it ain’t clear which way it’s flowing. Sid starts back to the boat and the young fellas drive away.

“Who were they?” I ask as Sid steps into the boat.

“Discount gas,” he says. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe three. Hey, did you get money from those fellas?”

“That ain’t the way business usually goes. They give me something, I give them money.”

“It just looked like … never mind.”

I’ve got my phonograph plugged in and I’m listening to the song and I’m watching the bugs flying around the lamp on the pier.

“Unplug that thing and let’s go,” says Sid, looking out into the dark Sound.

“Tonight?”

“Best time to travel.” He looks up at the sky. “Good night for cruising.”

I’m unplugging the phonograph. “Ain’t it a little dangerous?”

“The name of the game. That’s what you need, boy, a little excitement in your life.”

I’m back on board.

“Fella named Gödel proved that ain’t no logical system complete. He had to prove it. I could have told him if he’d asked. You need a dash of illogicalness to make your life complete. Untie that rope.”

I untie the rope and then another that Sid points to and I follow him up to the helm.

“German fellas all the time trying to prove things.” The engine is on and we’re moving away from the dock. “Like that fella Heisenberg. He needed a theory to say he wasn’t sure. You’d think people could find better things to work on, like disposable wives.”

“What’s got you so uptight?” I ask him.

“I ain’t uptight.”

“You sure seem nervous.”

“Well, I ain’t.” He looks ahead.

We leave the lights of Seattle behind and we’re following the lights of the coast south and then Sid turns off the running lights.

“What did you do that for?” I ask.

“What?”

“Why’d you kill the lights?”

“Don’t need them.”

I don’t say nothing. I just look ahead into the darkness. After a few minutes I go down into the cabin and climb into bed. I figure Sid will call me when he needs a break.


It was dark and quiet. Daddy, Bud, and I were sitting on the front porch, sweating. The only sounds were crickets and the clinking of ice against the sides of our glasses of tea. Ma had sneaked away earlier. I was flooded with odd and painful concerns. I worried that I was insane like my mother. I was bothered by a smell that I imagined on my fingers from Naomi Watkins. Daddy yawned and looked at his watch.

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Daddy asked me.

“Ma.”

Daddy looked away from me and out over the yard. “Don’t worry about her.”

Bud winked at me.

“Maybe Ma could go to one of those doctors for crazy people.”

Daddy shook his head. “White people’s foolishness. Causes more problems that it cures.”

“Well, maybe she should be in a place,” I said.

“Maybe,” Daddy said, slapping a mosquito. “That would get her away from that McCoy.” Daddy looked over at Bud. “How you doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine.” Bud paused. “Doc, you sure I’m not in the way?”

“Positive.” Daddy rubbed his glasses across his forehead. “I’m sorry about my wife.”

Bud waved his hand. “Nothing to be sorry about. I mean, she is pretty interesting.”

“She’s that, all right,” Daddy said.

“What is it with this McCoy character?” Bud asked.

Daddy answered, “McCoy’s got this religious group that Kathy, for some reason, is interested in. McCoy makes me nervous. He’s crazy and I wonder how my colored wife fits in with a peckerwood like that.”

“You don’t think he’s dangerous or anything like that, do you?” Bud asked.

“I don’t know,” Daddy replied. “I guess not.”

I began to think of McCoy.

Bud broke the silence. “Seriously, Doc, you think your wife is okay?”

Daddy didn’t say anything. He just looked at the night sky. I didn’t like the pain I saw in his face. He was wearing the same concerned look he wore when I was really sick with the flu. I was seven and they thought I might die and Daddy sat by my bed all night with that look on his face. If I couldn’t hate Ma before, I was closer now.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about France,” Bud said.

“France, huh?” Daddy said.

“Yeah, I’d like to go there. You know, get away from this country. I hear things are different there, real different. People are free.”

I listened carefully to Bud’s words.

“Free. Can you imagine that?” Bud added.

Daddy chuckled and shook his head.

“Yeah, France.” Bud finished his tea and looked at his empty glass. “Think I could make a long boat trip like that, Doc?”

“After a little rest, yeah,” Daddy said.

“After a little rest,” Bud repeated. He got up and he walked into the house and he soon was playing the piano.

I looked at Daddy. “What’s wrong with Mr. Powell?”

“Nothing.”

“Sure is hot, huh, Daddy?”

“Yep.” Daddy paused. “Shit.”

Martin came home and went straight up to our room. When I finally went upstairs, I found him clipping things out of the backs of magazines.

“Sending off for stuff?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

“What? Soldiers? A kite?”

“None of your business.”

I was trying to make things okay, even though I was upset with him about Naomi and all. I wasn’t really mad as much as upset. He just kept going with the scissors.

Finally, we were in bed. Martin had his flashlight out, the beam moving from nude to nude. He just kept sighing and then he turned the flashlight off and pushed the magazines onto the floor. He tossed the light into the corner and sighed loudly. I closed my eyes.


My eyes open and there’s a little early-morning light floating around the cabin and I see Sid sitting by the bed, looking at me.

“Where are we?” I ask.

“Drifting.”

I notice there’s no engine noise. “Drifting? Where?”

“Just drifting.” He’s got a funny look in his eyes.

I sit up and stretch and look out the window and I can’t see the coast.

“You ever think about dying?” Sid asks.

“What?”

“Dying.”

“No.”

“You oughta.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now, what’s the story? The motor act up?”

“This slump of yours really has you down, doesn’t it.”

I don’t say anything.

“Suicide might be a thought.”

I’m up and walking across the cabin to look through the other window. “Where the hell are we?”

“I told you. We’re drifting. We’re contemplating suicide.”

“The hell. Why are we just floating out in the middle of nowhere?”

“If you don’t do it, I will.”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll kill you,” he says.

I laugh.

“I ain’t bullshittin’.”

I stop laughing. “Now, Sid….”

“What do you have to live for? Luck has decided you’re the greatest patsy since the Jews.” He stands up. “So, after this morning’s business, I’ll put an end to your miserable, pathetic life.”

There’s the sound of a foghorn outside and Sid scurries up the steps to the deck. I follow him and I see another boat and Sid is waving to them with both arms.

There are two fat men on the other boat who look sorta alike. Both of the men are about forty and their haircuts are short and greased back and they’ve got slippery black mustaches. The fat men are wearing them loud beach shirts and big baggy white pants. There are two younger men with them, big and muscular fellas, in trunks. Their boat pulls alongside of us.

“Sid,” says one of the fat man, stepping aboard, extending a hand.

Sid takes the man’s plump hand. “On time, as usual.”

The other fat man is staring at me. “Who’s he?” he asks, pointing.

“He’s a friend of mine,” Sid says.

“Which drum?” asks the first fat man.

“That one.” Sid points to the drum nearest the back of the boat.

The first fat man signals to the two big guys in the trunks. They hop across to Sid’s boat and walk to the drum. They turn the drum upright and pry the lid off and then one of them reaches down into the barrel and comes up with a dripping green plastic garbage bag. He opens the bag and pulls out a clear plastic bag of white powder. The big guy hands it over to the first fat man.

“Come on, let’s go,” says the second fat man, looking around.

“In a second,” the first fat man says, looking at Sid, who’s standing by, watching with his hands in his pockets.

“The money,” Sid says.

“In a second,” the first man repeats.

Sid pulls a gun out of his pocket. “The money.”

“Sid, slow down,” says the first fat man, “you’ll get your money.”

“The money,” Sid repeats, extending his free hand, palm up, pointing the gun at the second fat man. “Or I’ll blow your brother’s greasy head off.”

“What is this, Sid?” asks the first fat man.

“This is the Little Bighorn. This is where the Indian cuts the white boy’s tail.”

The second fat man tosses a briefcase across the gap between the two boats and it lands by my feet.

“Good,” Sid says. “Okay. Now, you two, Fric and Frac, I want you overboard. Craig, check the case.”

The two guys in trunks don’t move. I open the case and tilt it, showing Sid the money inside.

Sid fires the gun over the big guys’ heads. “Move!”

The two men jump into the water.

“Sid, you won’t get away with this,” says the second fat man.

“In the water, chubby,” Sid says and pulls the hammer of the pistol back.

The second fat man jumps into the ocean.

I look and see another boat coming our way. Sid sees it also. “Shit,” Sid says. “Okay, fatso, in the drink.”

“So help me God, I’m going to get you, Sid.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sid straightens his arm and aims the gun at the fat man’s face. “Tell it to the Coast Guard.” The first fat man joins the others in the water. The four of them are bobbing up and down between the boats and Sid is leaning over, looking at them. “I got you, you son of a bitch.” He looks at the approaching boat. “Start the boat, Craig.”

I climb up the ladder and start the engine.

“Let’s get out of here!” Sid yells to me.

I steer the boat away and then I look back and Sid is still leaning over, yelling at the men in the water. I start to think about what Sid was saying earlier about killing me and I climb down the ladder and I tiptoe up behind Sid and I push him into the water. I’m at the wheel again, driving away.

“Craig!” Sid yells and then there’s a gunshot and I look back and see Sid waving his gun in the air, keeping the thugs away. “Craig!”

There’s a blast of a voice through a bullhorn from the Coast Guard boat, but I can’t make it out. I’m just looking at the compass and heading south. When the other boats are out of sight, I head east.

As I’m nearing the mouth of the Columbia River, I look down from the wheel at the deck and I see that clear plastic bag of white powder. I climb down and I drop it overboard and watch it sink slowly out of sight.

I push on into the mouth of the river and on to Portland. I stop in Portland. I dock the boat and leave it and I’m walking through the city of Portland with my saxophone, my phonograph, my record, my bat, and now a briefcase full of money.


Chapter 13


Ma walked into my room with her head bowed. I was sitting on my bed, looking at my model plane. Ma sat beside me. She didn’t look at me.

“Grandmama’s dead,” she said.

“What?”

“Grandmama’s dead.”

I tried to look at Ma’s eyes. I could see a tear working its way down her cheek. Grandmama and Ma were close until Ma started acting so crazy. Then Grandmama just sorta stayed away


 all of Ma’s people did. Daddy didn’t have any people. His twin brother got run over by a coal truck in Birmingham. He was the last. Ma grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay,” I said.

“You’re a good boy, Craigie.” I was getting tired of hearing her say that.

“It’s okay,” I repeated.

She put her arm around me and pulled me close against her coat. I began to perspire immediately. She cried harder.

Later, Martin and I were in our navy blue suits in the back seat of the car. We were on our way to Watkins Funeral Home. It was the largest black-owned business in Fayetteville. Pernell Watkins also owned a wig shop, which his wife operated. Everyone wondered about the wigs in that shop. Especially since Joey Fields looked in the window of the shop, saw a wig, and swore up and down that it was the hair of his dead wife, Jenny Mae. The controversy grew because Jenny Mae Fields’s funeral had been a closed-casket affair. As we pulled to a stop in front of the funeral home I began to wish I was back home at the piano with Bud.

We entered the funeral home and Grandmama’s body was laying out in a coffin in this dimly lit room. Ma’s brother and her two sisters were there. Aunt Cleo and Aunt Edna were screaming and carrying on and their husbands were holding them down.

I wandered away from the room, away from the crying, and into a large office. As I looked around I thought of Pernell Watkins, the funeral director. He was tall, slender, and light-skinned. It seemed like all funeral directors were light-skinned. In the office I saw a picture of the original Watkins, a dark-skinned guy. However, as I looked at the pictures of the descendants of the original Watkins, I saw that each Watkins was lighter in color than the previous one. I figured dealing with death had that effect.

I wandered from the office, down this long corridor, and I started feeling real scared because there was this weird music playing. I walked into this large room filled with caskets. Bronze, silver, pretty wood caskets. Big caskets, small caskets, wide caskets. I stopped to look closely at one light-blue casket. I ran my fingers along the golden handles. Then I saw some dirt around the edges of the coffin. Somebody grabbed me and I screamed. It was Martin.

“What are you doing?” Martin asked.

“Look here,” I said. “Dirt.”

Martin’s eyes opened wide. “He uses the same boxes again and again.”

We heard footsteps and we ducked down and scurried back to where Daddy was. We were shaking.

“What’s wrong?” Daddy asked.

Just then, Pernell Watkins came and stood by Daddy. Martin, who was about to talk, caught himself and grabbed Daddy’s arm and whined something about Grandmama. Daddy was really puzzled and he dropped a hand to Martin’s back. Martin looked at me and shrugged his shoulders.


I’m out on the streets of Portland, Oregon, and I ain’t ready to go home and I figure Sid will be looking for me, so I decide to stay put for a while. I’m in the Chinese section of Portland and I see this sign on a house advertising a room for rent. I ring the bell.

The door swings open and there’s a short, skinny Chinese man. “What can I do for you?” he asks.

“I’m here about the room,” I tell him.

“It’s a small room. Fifty dollars a week. I live here with three other men and there’s one bathroom.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Don’t you want to see it first?”

“No.”

He lets me in and leads me upstairs and down the hall to my room. It’s a small room, like he said, with a bed and a chest of drawers and a big, soft chair.

“I’m Quincy,” says the short man.

“Craig. Craig … Sutton,” I says. I reach out for his hand and he’s got long, cold fingers that wrap around my knuckles. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll catch up on some sleep.”

“Bathroom’s at the end of the hall.”

“Thanks.”

Quincy leaves me and goes back downstairs and I walk into the room and fall onto the bed. I get up and decide to wash out my clothes before I sleep.

My eyes open and I get up and plug in my phonograph. It’s dark outside and I can hear talking. I stop the music and get dressed and go downstairs. There are three men with Quincy watching television in the living room and when I walk in they all stand up. There’s a fat man in jeans and a flannel shirt and two men dressed all in gray and they’re all Chinese.

Only the fat man extends his hand and Quincy tells me his name is Thomas. I take his hand and he smiles and I smile. The other two men are named Mike and Larry and they don’t push their hands out and they don’t smile.

“Let me show you the rest of the house,” says Thomas and this big fella slaps a hand on my shoulder and turns me around. When we’re out of the room he says, “Don’t let Mike and Larry bother you. They are just upset that Quincy didn’t discuss your moving in with us.”

“I could leave.”

“Don’t be silly.” He slaps me on the back and we’re in the kitchen. “Quincy makes breakfast for everybody, if you’d care for it.”

“Thanks.”

“There’s a beer in the fridge. Feel free.”

I nod. “Why are Mike and Larry dressed like that?”

“They’re in a Mao study group.”

“Oh.”

“More social than anything.” He pushes his fat fingers through his thick black hair. “Where are you from?”

“Spokane,” I tell him.

“Oh, yeah? How long do you plan to stay around here?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Business?”

“Huh?”

“Business bring you down here?”

“No, uh … vacation.”

Thomas reaches into the refrigerator and pulls out a beer and offers it to me. I take it and he pulls out another one for himself. “You like baseball?” he asks.

“What?”

“Baseball?”

“It’s okay.”

“The Portland Beavers are playing tomorrow … if it doesn’t rain. Wanna go?”

“Sure.”

The following day I sleep until late morning and when I finally make it downstairs everybody is gone. So, I start digging through the icebox and I really have a taste for bacon, but there ain’t a scrap of meat to be found. There ain’t nothing in the refrigerator but yogurt and beer, so I have a beer. I go back to my room.

I’m upstairs in my room playing my saxophone and there’s a knock at my door and it’s Thomas.

“You still want to catch the Beavers?” he asks.

“What?”

“The baseball game.”

“Sure.”

We leave the house and walk about a mile to the stadium and pay a buck apiece to get in. It’s a real cloudy day, but it ain’t raining and that’s all that matters. Thomas and I head up the bleachers behind home plate and his leg goes through a gap between the boards. I reach down and catch him and his hand closes around my upper arm and he’s got his balance again.

“You’re very strong,” he says, slowly releasing my arm.

I don’t say anything. I just move up, grab a seat, and look out over the field. It’s funny; there’s a lot of folks out for the game, but we’re the only ones sitting behind home plate. I’m about to ask Thomas why we’re all alone where we are when I notice how low the screen is between the batter and the bleachers. I think that many a foul ball must have come whistling back into the crowd.

“Thomas,” I says, “you may not want to sit here.”

“Why?”

“We might get a few balls our way.”

His eyes grow large. “What?”

“Foul tips might come buzzing over that low screen and pop you in the face. I just figured you should know.”

“Oh.”

I’m not sure he understands just what I’m saying, but I drop the subject.

The game starts and there ain’t much to see; just a load of fellas dressed alike, embarrassing their loved ones. Then some fella’s up and the count is full and he keeps tipping the ball straight back over the screen and I keep catching them and Thomas is real excited. Thomas is giggling and telling me how marvelous it is that I can catch like that. Finally the guy at bat pounds a long ball to left and every body cheers. So does Thomas and he stands up and when he comes down his hand lands on my leg.

“Excuse me,” he says and pulls his hand away.

It starts to rain and the game is called and Thomas and I walk back down Burnside toward home. It’s a real busy street and the rain doesn’t keep people in these parts inside. I see, in the street ahead, a man leaning over, talking to somebody in a car and it’s Sid Willis. I duck into a doorway and pull Thomas with me.

“What is it, Craig?” Thomas asks, smiling.

I don’t say anything. I am peering around the corner and I see Sid climb into the car and ride off.

“What is it?” he asks again.

“Nothing.”

We walk home and Mike and Larry are sitting in the living room, reading. They look up at me but they don’t say anything, and so I just go up to my room and listen to the song.

It’s just starting to get dark outside when Thomas walks into my room and sits on the bed.

“You like jazz, huh?” he says.

“Yeah.”

“Dizzy Gillespie’s playing at the Opus Club.”

“Really?” I says, sitting erect. “Where’s that?”

“Right here in Old Town. Would you like to grab a bite and hear him?”

I pause. “Yeah.” I grab my phonograph and my record and my saxophone and I’m ready to go.

“Why’re you bringing those things?” Thomas asks.

“I haven’t played the song for you, have I?”

He shakes his head.

I plug in the record player and drop the needle down.

“Damn,” I says. “That’s something, ain’t it?”

He nods and he’s looking at me with a funny eye.

“This song just does something to me. I mean, it really gets me excitied.”

Thomas smiles. “Bring it along, bring it along.” Bud made his apologies to Ma about not attending the funeral. He said death didn’t sit well with him. I didn’t want to go either, but I had to.

The coffin was open. Grandmama was just laying there, peaceful as could be, even though there was enough crying and hollering going on to wake the dead. I looked out over the crowd in attendance. In the middle of all the dark faces dressed in dark clothes was McCoy. White as white could be. He stood out something fierce. It was difficult to look at: his pale skin, white hair, white clothes in a sea of darkness. Daddy looked back at him and frowned.

I turned to face the coffin and saw Ma summoning me with her index finger. I walked to her.

“You’re a good boy, Craigie,” she said. “Kiss your grandmother.”

I just looked at her. I wanted to back away, but I didn’t. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Kiss your grandmother,” she repeated and with that she grabbed me by the back of my head and pushed my face into the coffin. “Kiss her, Craigie.”

I felt Grandmama’s cold lips against my face and as Ma pushed harder I felt the sutures that held her mouth closed. I was breathing rapidly. I was sick.


Thomas and I are sitting at a table against the wall, far away from the band, and Dizzy walks out and starts to play. They play a long version of “A Night in Tunisia” and then I start shouting, “‘Ornithology’! ‘Ornithology’!” Dizzy begins to play the song and I fall back into my chair with a smile across my face. My hand drops down next to me and lands on my saxophone and I decide to join in. So, I stand up and start blowing and Thomas is looking around nervously and Dizzy stops playing.

“Keep going,” I yell.

This big guy walks to our table and says, “You can’t play that thing in here.”

And I yell out, “Dizzy, I went fishing with Bud Powell!”

Dizzy just stares at me and starts talking to members of the band.

“You gonna lay off that thing?” the big guy asks.

Then I hear a familiar voice. “Boy, I want my money!”

I look over at the door and there’s Sid Willis.

“I said, I want my money!” Sid starts weaving his way through the tables toward us. I pick up my things and head for the nearest exit and Thomas is right behind me. When I push through the door a fire alarm is set off and the manager is yelling at us and telling us never to come back. Thomas takes my arm and pulls me off the main street and down an alley. We make it through alleys back to the house and there’s no sign of Sid behind us.

“What was that guy talking about?” Thomas asks as we walk into the house.

“I never saw him before,” I lie and I tell Thomas I’m real tired and I retire to my room and slip into bed.

I’m laying awake and I hear Mike and Larry in the next room. I figure it’s Mike and Larry because it ain’t Quincy or Thomas and I start to listen to what they’re saying.

“I saw you!” says one.

“Calm down,” says the other.

“I saw you pissing standing up!”

“So?”

“So, I’m the dominant one in this relationship! I piss standing up! You piss sitting down! I don’t want to catch you doing it again!”

“Please, Mike. Please, don’t hit me.”

“Promise me you won’t do it again!”

“I promise. I promise.”

Then I hear moaning and groaning. I try to block out the noise and I go to sleep.


Daddy told me I better go outside. Ma was screaming at me and I was shaking. I just stood there. “Go on outside, Craig,” Daddy said. I ran outside and sat on the church steps. It was hot, but I was shivering.

Martin came out and sat beside me. “What happened?” he asked.

I just looked at him and tears came out of my eyes.

“Aunt Edna’s really screaming in there. Aunt Cleo, too.”

Martin gave me his handkerchief.

“I want to go to France,” I said.

“What?”

“I want to go to France.”

Martin tilted his head and looked at me.

“If I was in France I’d be free of everything.”

“Come on, it could have happened to anyone.”

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. Then the church doors opened and people started coming out. Martin and I moved off to the side. The coffin was marched past us. Aunt Cleo stared at me as she walked by and so did Aunt Edna. Uncle Ernest didn’t see me. They put Grandmama in the back of the funeral car and everybody got ready to go. Martin got into a long car with Ma. Daddy stood by the car with the door open and looked at me.

I shook my head.

He nodded.

I watched as the black cars rolled away. And in the middle of the procession of dark cars with dark people was McCoy.

I walked home and found Bud playing the piano.

“You’re back early,” Bud said.

I nodded and threw my coat down and stretched out on the sofa. We looked at each other silently for a minute. “I want to go to France with you,” I said.

“Oh, yeah? Why?”

“I want to be free.”

“Free, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s free?”

“Doing what you want to do.” I paused. “When you want to do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” My eyes were wet. “So, can I go to France with you?”


Chapter 14


I wake up early the next morning and I head downstairs for breakfast and when I step into the kitchen I’m speechless. All four of them Chinese fellas are naked as jaybirds and I’m frozen in the doorway. Thomas, Mike, and Larry are sitting at the table and Quincy is facing the stove, his skinny butt turned toward the table.

Thomas sees me. “Good morning, Craig.”

I nod.

“Have a seat,” says Quincy, turning to face me.

I sit down at the table and Mike and Larry are reading from little books. Every few seconds one of them taps the other and points out something in the book, but they don’t pay me any attention.

“You picked a good morning to come down for breakfast,” says fat Thomas.

“Yeah?” I glance over at the pan that Quincy is working over.

“Yeah,” says Thomas, “we’re having yogurt-and-tofu omelets.”

“We’re having what?”

Quincy answers me. “Yogurt-and-tofu omelets.”

“Oh.”

“Here you go,” Quincy says, sliding an omelet onto my plate. There’s yogurt oozing from between the lips of the thing and I’m just looking at it.

“Before it gets cold,” Thomas says.

Quincy is back at the stove, cooking, and he looks over at me and smiles.

I cut into the eggs and slice through some of that tofu stuff and it looks like turkey gelatin or something. I slowly push a bite into my mouth. I don’t like it, but I eat it, and then I reach for the juice. It’s prune juice.

Thomas is smiling at me and then he winks and I wink back and his face sorta goes red, but more orange. Thomas makes me feel odd.

I’m sitting next to the phone, which is on a table in the living room, and I pick up the receiver. Mike and Larry are discussing their little books quietly in a far corner. I’m calling Lou Tyler.

“I’d like to place a collect call,” I tell the operator.

“Name?”

“Craig Suder.”

Lou’s phone rings and Lou’s daughter picks up. “Hello.” “I have a collect call from Craig Suder,” says the operator.

“Who?”

“Craig Suder. Will you accept the charges?”

“I’m a friend of your daddy’s,” I says.

“I’ll get my daddy,” the girl says.

“Hello.” It is Lou.

“I have a collect call from Craig Suder. Will you accept the charges?”

“Where the hell are you!” Lou shouts.

“Will you accept the charges?”

“Everybody here is—”

“Will you accept the charges?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Hello, Lou,” I says.

“Where the hell are you? You’ve got everybody sick wondering if you’re okay.”

“I’m in Portland.”

“What are you doing there? Come up here!”

“I was wondering if I could use your cabin at Mount Hood.”

“Get your behind up here!”

“No, I really need some more time to myself. Can I use your cabin?”

“You call Thelma?”

“The cabin?”

“Call your wife.”

“Okay. Now, can I use—”

“Yeah, you can use the cabin. Do you know how to get to it?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. I’m fine. Thanks a lot, Lou. I’ll talk to you soon.” I hang up.

Fat Thomas comes into the room and stands in front of me. “I’m going to work,” he says.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I just look straight ahead at his stomach. I move my eyes up to his face. “Where do you work?”

“All over.”

I question him with my eyes.

“I fill vending machines,” he says. “You know, candy, cigarettes, bubble gum, little toys in plastic cases.”

“That’s what you do for a living?”

“Yeah.”

“Like it pretty much?” I’m just trying to make conversation with the man.

“Yeah. I get to move around a lot.”

“You got a truck?”

“Station wagon.”

“I see.”

“Well, I’m going to work now.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll see you later.”

“See you later.”

“Yeah.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

Thomas walks out of the room and out of the house. I call the bus station and I find out there’s a bus leaving at one o’clock in the afternoon for Parkdale. I go up to my room and I play my horn for a while.

At about noon I collect my belongings. I find some cord and I rig things up so that my bat and my saxophone are strapped behind me. I put my record in the briefcase with the money and I grab my phonograph and start downstairs.

The front door slowly opens and there’s Sid Willis and he’s holding a gun.

“I’m here for my money, boy,” Sid says. “Then I’m going to blast you.”

“How’d you find me?” I am taking a step backwards.

“I didn’t have any luck looking for you, but everybody knows about that three-hundred-pound Chinese she-boy.”

“Oh.”

“Now, let me have my money.”

I shake my head.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to blast you first.”

Then Thomas appears in the doorway and he raises his finger to his lips and then he throws his arms around Sid. Sid’s gun falls to the floor and Thomas’s fat arms have got the old man tied up good.

“Run, Craig!” Thomas says. “I’ve got him! Run, darling!”

“Get this funny Oriental off me!” screams Sid.

I move out of the bedroom and into the hallway. I turn again to Thomas and I says, “Thanks.”

“Somebody get this faggot off me!” yells Sid, struggling.

“Take my car,” Thomas says. “The keys are in it.”

“Thanks.”

And Thomas blows me a kiss. I frown and run out of the house and I hop into Thomas’s station wagon and drive away.


Bud was looking out the front window and then he turned to Daddy. “Doc, I wish you’d come look at this.”

His tone pulled not only Daddy but Martin and me as well to the window. Coming down the street was a white pickup truck. It was moving real slow and sitting on the lowered tailgate was McCoy in a white sweat suit, looking back at my mother, who was chasing the truck. McCoy was waving his arms, yelling for Ma to keep up the pace.

Daddy was outside in a second and we were all with him. We were in the driveway and Ma came trotting past. “Kathy!” Daddy yelled. The neighbors were out of their houses. Daddy looked around and then he picked up some gravel from the driveway. “Throw rocks,” Daddy said and ran toward the truck. Martin and I grabbed handfuls of rocks and ran, too. So did Bud. McCoy was up and slapping on the cab of the truck. Daddy threw his rocks and McCoy ducked behind the wall of the truck’s bed. We pelted the truck with gravel. Daddy picked Ma up over his shoulder and carried her into the house.

“Maybe just different,” Bud said.

Martin thought I was asleep. He pulled on his trousers and grabbed his flashlight and climbed outside through the window. I got dressed real quick and went out after him. He was halfway down the block when I was out of the tree to the ground. I followed him a good many blocks and I saw him go behind Watkins Funeral Home. My eyes got big. I couldn’t figure why anybody should be going there late at night, especially my brother. I walked down the driveway, alongside the big black cars, to the backyard. Martin was standing at the back door, knocking lightly. The door opened and Martin went in.

My wind got short and I moved around and looked at the door. I looked at that door for a long time and then I grabbed the knob. It was open. I walked in. I moved down this dark hallway. I heard noise coming from this room. I pushed the door open a crack and then I heard Martin’s voice. I walked in and in the back of this room Martin was kissing Naomi Watkins and touching her all over. Then Naomi climbed on this table and Martin got on top of her.

Just then, the door that I had come through opened. I ducked into a corner and I heard Martin and Naomi running and then the light came on. I guess they got out some way because Pernell Watkins walked past me, looking around, and then he left. He left the light on and I looked beside myself and saw jars and tubes and then I looked behind and found myself face to face with a dead person. I closed my eyes tight and stood motionless for a long time.


Chapter 15


So, I’m driving through Portland in Thomas’s station wagon and it’s filled to the gills with cigarettes and plastic bags of gum balls. There’s a box of clear plastic bubbles with little toys inside on the seat beside me and in one of them there’s an eye. The eye is staring right at me and I think of Sid and I think of fat Thomas’s arms wrapped around him. I laugh out loud.

A light rain is starting to fall as I enter this spic-and-span suburb of Portland called Gresham. There are many small houses that look alike and a lot of yellow-haired children that look alike, riding bicycles with banana seats. As I’m driving by the Gresham Mall I see a big tent and there’s a mob of people standing around. The tent looks like the one that was on the waterfront in Seattle. I pull into the parking lot and I’m out of the car, walking toward the tent, and I hear an elephant scream.

I weave through the mob and I push my way into the tent and there’s that same elephant. And that same man is barking his carnival line, but he’s got a new scam.

“Give it a try! Give it a try!” shouts the man. “See if you’ve got the brains to master this enormous beast from the jungles of the Dark Continent. If you can make the pachyderm nod his head ‘yes’ and shake his head ‘no,’ I will give you five hundred dollars, half a grand!”

I stand there for a spell, watching a number of people try to make the elephant move his head. Two boys toss a ball back and forth in front of the elephant without success. This old lady comes bouncing up and down on a pogo stick and the animal’s eyes move up and down, but not his head. I turn around and push through the crowd and I walk back to the car.

I unlock the car and I grab my bat and then I return to the tent. I pay two dollars to try with the elephant and I’m standing in line. The man who was shouting walks up to me and smiles.

“That bat won’t help you this time,” he says.

I don’t say anything.

“What do you say we make a little wager?”

I look at him and nod.

“What’ll we bet?”

I look at him for a second, then I look at the elephant. “If I can do it, you give me the elephant.”

His jaw drops and he looks over at the elephant and then back at me. “And if you can’t?”

“I’ll give you two thousand dollars.”

“Two thousand?”

“Two thousand.”

“It’s a bet.” He shakes my hand and then he steps out into the middle of the tent and waves his arms for silence. A hush falls over the crowd and he turns to me and nods.

I walk out in front of the elephant and the tent is dead quiet and the elephant’s eyes fall slowly to mine. The silence is really annoying and I swallow. I raise the bat and wave it in the elephant’s face. “Remember me?” I ask the elephant. The elephant’s head moves up and down. The crowd goes “Ooooooooooo.” I look around and the silence returns. I look back at the elephant. “Do you want me to do what I did last time?” The elephant moves his head from side to side and the mob of people explodes with cheering. I turn to face the carnival man.

The man’s head is lowered and he’s heaving sighs and then he looks at me with wet eyes. “Do you know how much he eats?” he asks, pointing at the elephant.

I’m silent, petting the animal’s trunk.

“This ain’t no horse!” the man shouts and then he falls to his knees, crying.

The sounds of the crowd fade and the tent is filled with the crying of the man and I’m standing over him. I feel real bad for this fella, but I really do want the elephant. “Don’t cry,” I says to him. “I’ll pay you for him.”

He stops crying and looks at me.

“I’ll give you two thousand dollars for him.”

He gives me a vacant look.

“Five thousand.”

His eyes open wide.

I look at the elephant and then back to the man. “And ten thousand for that truck you got parked out there.”

He’s frowning. “Who are you kidding? What are you going to do? Write me a check?”

“No,” I says and I kneel down beside him. “I got the cash.”

He looks around at all the silent faces and then he whispers, “You got cash?”

I nod.

He stands up and I do, too. “Let’s step outside,” he says.

I follow him through the back flap of the tent and we’re standing by his truck. I’m looking at the tires.

“You know,” he says, “I’m real attached to that elephant.”

“He got a name?”

“I call him Sabu, sometimes. But like I was saying, I’m real attached—”

“Fifteen thousand,” I says, looking him in the eye.

He looks at the truck and peeks back into the tent at the elephant and then he turns to me. He nods.


Part III


Chapter 16


So, I’m in this truck and I’ve got an elephant in the back and I’m driving into the Cascade mountain range of Oregon. I’m in the vicinity of Mount Hood and I pass through the little town of Parkdale. I drive about a third of the way up this mountain to Lou’s cabin. The cabin is real big and bare and it’s got no electricity. The water comes out of a hand pump, but it’s inside at least. There are a couple of lanterns and a whole stack of candles. The cabin is filled with stuffed animals — there’re a couple of owls hanging from the ceiling and a deer in the corner and a family of squirrels on the windowsill. It’s raining, so I leave the elephant in the truck and hit the sack. It’s just getting dark.

The next morning the sun is out and the birds are singing and the air is thick with the scent of pine. I get out of bed and scratch and it’s real chilly. I walk out and grab a few logs that are stacked and covered with plastic by the front door. I take the wood and start a fire in the potbelly stove in the middle of the cabin. I heat up some water and wash.

When I’m dressed I go and take the elephant out of the truck. I figure that since he’s new to the cabin I should tie him to a tree. That’s what I do — one end of some rope around an ankle, the other around a tree. I fasten him up and stand there for a second, rubbing his trunk. I put the rest of the hay from the truck down in front of the animal and he looks at me like we both should be aware that more hay is needed. I climb into the truck and drive down to Parkdale.

I walk into this little store and there’s this middle-aged fella with buck teeth and a mile of forehead working there.

“You’re new round here, ain’t you?” he asks, showing his big teeth.

“Yeah, I’m staying up at the Tyler place,” I tell him.

“Uh-hmmmmm.”

I gather some things on the counter — things for cooking, and soap, and like that.

“That it?”

I nod.

He looks at the things on the counter. “Looks like about five dollars’ worth.”

I’ve never done business like this before, but I don’t complain. I pay him and he starts putting the stuff in a bag and I ask him where I can get some hay

“How much you need?”

“I don’t know. How much you need for a horse?”

He rubs his chin. “Maybe a quarter ton for a month.”

“I need two tons.”

His eyebrows raise up. “Two?” He scratches his head. “For that much hay you’ll have to go seventy miles. It’s summer.” He looks at me. “How many horses you got up there?”

“I’m going to need some peanuts, too.” I pause. “Fifty … no, a hundred peanuts.”

“What you got up there? An elephant?” He laughs.

I pick up my groceries and leave and I head back up to the cabin. Off the road is a pretty green rolling pasture and in the middle of the pasture is a barn. The barn doors are open and I can see that it’s full of hay. I drive on back to the cabin.

I tie the rope around the elephant’s neck and start walking through the woods. The elephant is following me pretty closely and I don’t have to tug at him at all. So, I untie the animal and he walks right behind me like a dog and I’m just thrilled. We walk up along this ridge and then down and we’re by a small lake. I stop at the edge, but the elephant just steps on past me and into the water. The beast is having a grand old time, splashing around and blowing out of his snout. I look across the lake and I see a couple of people pointing at us. “Sabu!” I call. “Come on, boy!” And I turn around and start walking away and the animal follows.

Once back at the cabin, I start to blow on my saxophone, but every time I let out a note Sabu lets out a blast from his trunk. I stop and look at him and then I try again. Same thing. So, I go inside and blow and he’s outside and he’s still replying. I put my horn away and I cook up some eggs and bacon. As I’m sitting there eating, I keep thinking about all that hay just sitting there in that barn.

Later, when it’s dark, I’m driving the truck down the road toward the barn full of hay. I get out of the truck and open the gate and I continue down this winding dirt road to the barn with my headlights off. I back the truck up to the open barn doors and, in the moonlight, I start loading the truck with hay. The horses are blowing and snorting and stepping back and forth in their stalls. I finish loading the hay and leave.

When I get back to the cabin I drop a load of hay in front of the elephant. He snatches some up with his trunk and puts it in his mouth. Sabu, his name sounds in my head. I decide to change his name and my eyes turn up to find the stars and the moon. The elephant should have a French name. Renoir. I rub his trunk and he’s chewing and I says, “Renoir, Renoir.” That’s a good name. The name of a painter or something, probably a sissy, but it don’t matter none. Renoir.

The night is real quiet and I sit on the ground and lean back against a tree. Renoir lets out a blast and it echoes through the woods. My head falls back and the stars are real bright and I pull my arms over my chest to get warm. It seems like the night is pressing down on me and my eyes close. I fall asleep.


It was the middle of the night and I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard my name. Ma said my name again and I stepped toward Ma and Daddy’s room and listened.

“It’s not the boy’s fault.”

“My mother may never rest in peace.”

“You shouldn’t have pushed his face down on hers.”

“He was supposed to kiss her,” Ma said. There was the sound of a lamp switch and light came from under the door.

I ran back into my room and listened to the footsteps in the hall. It was Ma and she was coming to my room. I climbed into bed and closed my eyes. Ma came in and sat on the edge of my bed. She placed her hand on my forehead and rolled my face toward her.

“Oh, hello, Ma,” I said.

“Craigie, you were supposed to kiss your grandmother.”

“I know, Ma.”

“What is it?” Martin asked, sitting up in bed.

“Go to sleep!” Ma yelled. She turned to me again. “Craigie, I want you to pray for Grandmama.” She stood up. “Get down here on your knees.”

I got out of bed and onto my knees.

“Now pray!” she commanded.

Then Daddy came in. “Kathy, let the boy get some sleep.”

“He has to pray.”

“Come on, Kathy.”

“Pray!” she screamed at me.

“Dear God,” I said, “please be good to my Grandmama.”

“Tell him to let her in heaven,” Ma said.

“And let her in heaven.”

“Okay,” Daddy said. “Come on, Kathy. Get in bed and go to sleep, Craig.” Daddy took Ma by the arm and ushered her out of the room. I stood up.

“You okay?” Martin asked.

I got into bed. I didn’t say anything. I just got into bed.

In the morning Bud and I were walking by the pond. The grass was wet from a shower the night before and the smell of rain was still floating around. We saw a dog sitting by the pond, a kind of German shepherd mix. Bud whistled and approached the dog. The dog limped into the pond.

“He’s hurt,” Bud said. We stood at the edge of the pond, calling the dog. Bud looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and stepped into the pond. The water was up to his thighs when he reached the dog.

“Have you got him?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Bud pulled the dog through the water and up onto the bank. “That’s a good boy,” Bud said to the dog, examining him. “I can’t see anything wrong with his leg.”

“Maybe he sprained it.”

“Maybe.” Bud looked at me. “He ain’t got no tags. I’m going to keep him.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah, and I’ve got a name for him.”

“What?”

“Django.”

“Django? What kind of name is that?”

“Django Reinhardt is the name of a guitar player. A Gypsy.”

The dog’s leg wasn’t bothering him so much as he walked with us back to the house. Bud was soaking wet. Bud told me to run into the kitchen and grab a towel and a couple of biscuits. I got the towel and picked some biscuits from a plate on the stove and ran back outside.

“Give those to the dog,” Bud said, taking the towel. “Your name is Django,” he said to the dog as I held a biscuit up for him.

Then Ma came running out of the kitchen in her coat and sneakers. She ran around the house and out into the street. I shook my head.

“She’ll be all right,” Bud said and he tossed another biscuit to Django. “You have to ask your father if you can keep him.”

“Why?”

“Well, I can’t take him to France with me.”

“Oh.”

“He’s a nice dog, huh?” Bud rubbed Django’s neck and back with the towel.

Daddy stepped out of the kitchen and saw the dog. He looked at me.

“We found him by the pond,” I told him.

Daddy nodded.

“Can we keep him?”

“We’ll see,” he said and walked away.

That night, while we were sitting on the front porch, Django was running all over the front yard.

“He’s a frisky little fella,” Daddy said.

“Hey, Doc,” Bud said, “I’ve got a story for you.”

Daddy sat up, ready to listen.

Bud told the story. “There was this old black man that had a job with the railroad. He was the crossing-tender — he would swing a lantern when the train was coming so people wouldn’t drive across the tracks. Well, there was this accident where the train hit a car. The owner of the car sued the railroad and the only witness was this old black man. At the trial the lawyer questioned that old man up and down, but his story stayed the same and the railroad got off. The railroad’s lawyer was so pleased that he hugged the old man and found him all sweaty. ‘Why are you so sweaty?’ the lawyer wanted to know. And the old man said, ‘I was scared he was going to ask me if that lantern I was swinging was lit.’”

Daddy laughed and so did I. Then there was screaming and McCoy popped out of some bushes across the street with Django right behind him, barking and snapping.

“I guess you can keep him,” Daddy said and sipped his iced tea.


Chapter 17


A light drizzle wakes me and I get up and walk into the cabin. The sun is coming up and I take to fixing some breakfast, bacon and eggs. As I’m sitting at the table eating, my nose picks up a strong smell which is me and I notice that my clothes ain’t offering much warmth. I toss some hay to Renoir and then I drive into Parkdale for a new jacket and some more clothes.

So, I’m in Parkdale in this little clothing store that sells clothes for men, women, and children. I’m in this line that everybody gets in to pay and there’s a little girl behind me and she’s with her mother. The girl must be about eight and she’s hopping mad.

“Mama, I will not wear that dress,” the girl says and the mother is silent. “You can buy all the dresses you want, but they won’t get wore. If they get wore, it’ll be because you put them on.” The child sniffs. “You always pick out my clothes. Why can’t I pick out my own damn clothes.”

Then there’s this loud pop, like flesh against flesh, and the little girl starts bawling something awful. So, her mother hits her again and the girl goes running out of the store. I don’t look back at the mother.

When I’m paying for my things the clerk chuckles and says, “What about a hat?” And he points to this enormous rack filled with cowboy hats and tractor caps. This clerk is very strange; he’s got food all in his mustache and beard and he’s smiling. “Why don’t you buy a hat?”

I’m about to say no when I see a beret. There’s one beret all by itself and I walk over and pick it up. I put it on and I check it out in the mirror and it looks real French. I buy it. I walk outside into the rain and trot to my truck. When I’m about two miles from Parkdale I hear this thumping noise. It’s a steady pounding coming from the back of the truck, so I pull over and stop the engine. After a second or so of quiet the noise starts up again. But the motor is off. I hop out of the truck and walk around back and pull the canvas away. It’s the little girl from the store.

We stare at each other for a few seconds. “What are you doing in here?” I ask and the rain is hitting me harder.

“Riding,” she says. Her eyes are wet.

I drop the canvas and walk back to the cab of the truck. The girl is out and behind me. “Get in the truck,” I says. “I’m taking you back.”

She sits on the ground. “No, you’re not.”

“Just get in the truck.”

She shakes her head and pushes rain off her face.

“Suit yourself.” I climb into the driver’s seat.

“You’re just going to leave me here?”

“Yep.”

“What kind of a monster are you? You’d leave a child sitting in the middle of a muddy road?” She looks up at the sky. “In the rain?”

I don’t say anything. I just start the engine.

She hops up on the running board and screams at me, “I’m pregnant!”

I stop the engine.

“I knew that would get your attention,” she says. “Take me home with you for right now. You can bring me back later. What do you say, sailor?”

I look at her standing there in the rain, her yellow hair starting to mat up. “Get in.” I lean over and open the passenger door and she gets in. I’m driving up the mountain and I look over at her. “How old are you? Seven? Eight?”

“I’m nine, almost nine and a quarter.”

“I see.”

“You been living here long?”

“No.”

“I never seen you is why I asked.” She looks out the window and sighs. “We moved here from John Day just last year.”

“I see.” I sigh.

“I hate it here. All my friends are in John Day.”

“You got a name?”

“Jincy Jessy Jackson.”

“What kind of name is that? Jincy? What’s that short for?”

She looks at me. “Just Jincy. It ain’t short for anything.”

“Jincy, huh?” I pause. “Jincy Jessy Jackson,” I says to myself. It sounds real musical.

“What’s your name?” Jincy asks.

“My name is Craig.” I’m looking straight ahead at the road and the rain is falling harder as we move along the dirt road to the cabin. “This is it.”

Jincy has her face pushed up against the windshield, looking through the rain at the cabin. I stop the truck and we’re out and walking to the door. Renoir is tied to a tree off to the side of the house and he steps forward when we’re close.

Jincy catches sight of Renoir and freezes and then she turns to me and just looks.

“That’s Renoir,” I says.

She looks back at the elephant. “That’s an elephant.”

“Yep.” I look up into the falling rain. “Let’s get inside.”

“You’ve got an elephant,” she says and she’s looking at me with wide eyes. “You got an elephant.”

I step forward and open the door. “Come on.”

She steps up and across the porch and past me into the cabin. She turns back to me. “You’ve got an elephant.”

“Yep.”

“What are you doing with an elephant?”

“Renoir is my pet.”

She’s looking around the cabin. “Not bad.” Jincy walks over and stands beneath a stuffed owl hanging from the ceiling in the corner. She points up. “Former pet?”

“Want something to eat?” I ask and I pull the bacon out of the ice chest. “After we eat, you go back. Okay?”

“No.” She shakes her head.

I stand up straight and look her in the eye and heave a sigh. She starts to pull off her tee-shirt. “What are you doing?” I ask. She pulls it off and turns around and puts her hands against the wall. There are red stripes across her back, welts from where she’s been beaten. I turn away and drop the skillet down on the woodstove. I’m frying bacon and Jincy is still leaning against the wall; she’s crying. She’s there against the wall for a long time and I pick up her shirt and drape it over her shoulder.

“You like eggs and bacon?” I ask.

“Yeah.” She wipes her eyes with her shirt and puts it back on. She’s staring at me. “Are you going to take me back?”

I look away from her for a second. “Eggs and bacon is all I’ve got.”

She sits and I finish cooking and we’re eating. The rain is letting up and the sun is trying to show through the windows. Jincy pushes her plate to the center of the table and gets up and walks to the window. She’s looking outside at Renoir.

“How come you got an elephant?” she asks.

“I won him.”

“How?” She looks back at me.

“It’s a long story.” I pick up the plates.

“You’re really going to let me stay?”

“We’ll see.” I pause. “Who beat you?”

“My mama. She’s crazy. She hits me all the time.” She walks back toward me and points at her mouth. “See that tooth?”

I nod.

“See that chipped place? My mama did that when she hit me with the Lava lamp.”

I push my tongue into my cheek and walk over to the sink and drop the dishes in.

“So, I can stay?” She’s right behind me.

I glance out the window and see that the sun is good and out. “Let’s go for a walk. Want to do that?” I turn and look at her.

She nods. “Can I ride the elephant?”

“I don’t know.” I walk out of the cabin and Jincy is right behind me. “I’m not sure if he’s a riding elephant.” I’m looking at Renoir. Jincy is standing close to me, slightly behind, and Renoir walks to me. I stroke his trunk. “Good boy.”

“Can I touch him?” asks Jincy.

“Go ahead.”

She reaches out and pets Renoir’s nose and she becomes bolder and steps out from behind me. “Oh, he’s so cute,” she says.

I untie Renoir and start off into the woods. Renoir is behind and Jincy trots out in front of me and turns around.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Will you help me get up there?” She’s pointing at Renoir’s back.

I don’t say anything. I just pick her up and place her on the animal’s back and she’s as thrilled as can be.

“What do I hold on to?” she wants to know.

I look at the elephant for a second. “Good question.” Then I push her forward toward Renoir’s head. “Now, lean forward and hold on to his ears.” She grabs the tops of his ears and I turn and walk on. Jincy is doing fine and Renoir doesn’t seem to mind. We walk on to the lake.

While we’re standing there I watch this osprey, a white-breasted fishing bird, pull his wings in and streak down into the water and come up with a fish. “Did you see that?” I ask Jincy.

“Yeah,” she says, her mouth open.

I’m really excited, watching this osprey fly off, his big wings beating. Then there’s a loud high-pitched scream and I see this bald eagle. The osprey drops his fish and the eagle catches it and I’m a little sickened by this. No wonder it’s our national bird.

“Did you see that?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

I look back at Jincy on Renoir. “Ain’t that something?”

“What?”

“The way they fly like that.”

She looks up at the eagle. “Yeah.”


There was a hole at the base of one of the walls at the old school. Some bricks were still laying on the ground. Kids used to talk about the green-eyed lady that lived in there, under the floorboards of what was believed to be the cafeteria. Supposedly she would come out at night looking for food because there was nothing left inside. I walked on past the hole and into the sandy playground in back. There was one large tree in the center of the yard, the only shade. I moved toward it. I circled the tree and there was Naomi Watkins. I froze.

“Hello,” Naomi said.

“Hey.” I didn’t look at her. I looked across the playground.

“You going to sit down?” She was staring at me


 I could feel her eyes on me. “Please.”

I sat down beside her. “Hey.”

“You said that.”

I smiled at her. “Sure is hot.”

“Sure is.” She threw back her head and tugged at the collar of her dress. “Do you like me?”

“Yeah.” I was sweating.

“No one likes me, you know.” Her eyes were closed.

“That’s not true. My brother, Martin, likes you.”

“He doesn’t like me. He just wants to … I’m sorry about what they did to you.”

“What?”

“You know.” She looked at her crotch.

“Oh.” I recalled Martin making me touch her down there. I rubbed my finger under my nose and imagined that smell. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was afraid to run.” She closed her eyes again. “They seemed to like me before that.”

I didn’t believe she was afraid. I remembered her smile. “What about when you and Martin were in your daddy’s funeral home?”

She was surprised that I knew.

“I followed Martin.”

“I thought he’d like me if I—”

We were silent for a while. “You’re not very bright,” I said honestly and I looked over at her. Tears were streaming down her face. I wanted to make her feel better, so I decided to confide in her about my mother. “My mother is crazy,” I said.

She stopped crying. “Crazy?”

“Really crazy.” I started pushing my fingers through the sand. “She wears a coat all the time and sneakers and she’s always running around.” I shook my head. “She hates Martin and she won’t leave me alone.”

Naomi looked at me, wide-eyed. “What are you going to do?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Daddy thinks it may be the heat. Bud says she’s just different.”

“Who’s Bud?”

“Bud Powell, the famous piano player. He’s staying with us.”

“I’ve never heard of him.”

“He’s famous. My daddy told me. They even moved in a piano and Bud plays it. He’s real good.” I paused and closed my eyes. “But my mother scares me. There’s no telling what she’ll do next.” I sniffed.

Naomi put her hand on mine. “Do you really like me?”

I opened my eyes and looked at her. I nodded.


The bathroom window was painted shut. Why, I didn’t know, but it was closed for good. So, it was hot as the devil in the bathroom and you made a point of getting in and out as quickly as possible during the afternoon hours. I was sitting on the toilet, perspiring profusely. The afternoon sun was pounding on the window and then the door opened. It was Ma.

“Don’t get up,” she said.

I watched as she snatched the roll of toilet tissue and dashed out. I sat there, stunned, for some time, looking around for paper. Perspiration was pouring out of me. I started yelling for help. “Daddy! Martin! Bud! Somebody!”

Bud poked his head into the bathroom. “What’s up?”

“Ma came in and took the toilet tissue.” I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

“Oh, yeah?” He chuckled.

“I need some toilet tissue,” I pleaded.

“Right.” He backed out and came back with a box of Kleenex. “Here,” he said, tossing it to me.

I finished up and walked out into the front yard and there was Ma. She had draped toilet paper from one oak tree to another at one side of the yard. She sprinted across the yard and through the tissue, striking it with her chest, her arms thrown back. She put up more tissue and did it again. Then again, like winning races. I went back inside. I looked at Bud and then I turned and looked back through the screen door. There were some people standing across the street and they were laughing. I got really upset and I ran back outside. I grabbed Ma’s coat and started yelling, “What’s wrong with you?! Why do you have to be this way?!”

Ma glared at me and then she hauled off and slapped me across the face. She looked over at Daddy, who had just stepped out of his office. Then she looked back at me and started trembling. She ran off, around the house.

Daddy stepped over to me and dropped a hand on my shoulder. He was looking in the direction that Ma had run. He rubbed my head and said, “It’s all right.”


Chapter 18


A couple of days go by and time is slipping past me like a well-hit ball on plastic grass. Three days of sun and heat and a dwindling mound of hay in front of Renoir. So, one night I drive down the road to that barn full of hay and Jincy is with me and it’s raining.

“Where are we going?” Jincy wants to know.

“Over there.” I’m pointing out across the field at the barn.

“What for?”

“Hay.” I stop the truck and get out and open the gate. I turn off the headlights and approach the barn.

“Why’d you turn the lights off?” Jincy asks.

I look at her. “It ain’t my hay.”

“You mean you’re stealing it?”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that, but yes.”

Jincy says nothing. I back the truck up to the open barn doors and the rain is falling harder. We get out and we’re in the barn and the barn is full of the sound of water hitting the tin roof. I grab a pitchfork and start tossing hay into the back of the truck and Jincy’s just staring at me.

“What is it?” I ask, and when she doesn’t say anything, I says, “Help me out here.”

Jincy grabs another fork and starts throwing hay into the truck and then she stops. She looks up at the rafters and then outside at the night and says, “This is weird. I’m in a strange barn, shoveling hay for an elephant that belongs to a nigger.”

I stop tossing hay and I look at her. She’s looking at me, too, and we’re silent for a spell. I start tossing hay again and soon she is, also.


The morning was almost cool, with a light drizzle and a nice breeze. Ma was running, her first attempt to circle the town, and I was on my bicycle, riding along behind her. Behind me was McCoy in his white Cadillac with another man. Ma kept a good pace for about two miles, but then she began to fall off. By the fifth mile Ma was just falling forward into each step. Then she fell. I got off my bike and ran to her. She was bleeding from both knees and crying.

“I can’t make it,” she said through her tears.

“Come on, Ma.” I grabbed her arm. “Let’s go home.”

McCoy and the other white man were out of the car and beside us. “Well, I guess the Lord wasn’t with you this time, Mrs. Suder,” said McCoy. He smiled at the other man and they turned away. “Crazy nigger-woman,” McCoy said to the man and laughed.

I looked at Ma and I could tell that she had also heard what McCoy had said. I stood up and helped my mother to her feet. We watched the big white car pull away. “Let’s go,” I said.

Ma took a few steps and then she looked back. She stared angrily at the white car, which was small in the distance.

“Ma?”

“I’m coming,” she said softly.

When Ma and I got home, Daddy was standing at the screen door, looking out. He opened the door and Ma walked past him to the sofa. Daddy looked at me and questioned me with his eyes. I told Daddy about what McCoy had said, that he had called Ma a crazy nigger-woman. Daddy scratched his chin and made a face. He walked over to Ma and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Part of your problem is you don’t know to pace yourself. I saw the way you went tearing off. You’ve got to take it slow, slow and steady.” Tears were rolling down Ma’s cheeks. Daddy looked at me. “Come on, Craig,” he said, walking to the door.

“Where’re we going?” I asked.

“The store.”

“For what?”

“Sneakers.” He looked back at Ma. “Sneakers.”


It is not raining in the morning and I’m outside with the chain saw, cutting up wood for cooking, and this car pulls up the drive. I turn off the saw and step toward the car and it’s Lou Tyler.

“Howdy, there,” Lou yells through the window and he opens the door and gets out.

“Hey,” I says.

And he’s walking toward me. “Just thought I’d come and see how you’re doing. Feeling any better?”

“Some.” I take his hand and shake it.

“Well, you’re looking better.” He gazes past me at the cabin. “How do you like the place?”

“I like it.”

He walks past me toward the cabin. “Season’s going okay,” he says without looking at me and then Renoir steps from around the side of the house. Lou freezes and stares at the elephant and I step up beside him. He turns to me.

“That’s Renoir,” I says.

He looks again at Renoir. “An elephant,” he says more to himself than to me and he looks at me and a smile comes across his face. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For this.” He steps toward Renoir. “A dream come true.”

“What?”

“I can’t wait to stuff this sucker.”

I step in between Lou and Renoir. “Renoir ain’t for stuffing.”

“You mean he ain’t for me?”

I shake my head.

Lou looks down at the ground and scratches his forehead and kicks some dirt. He’s looking back at me and he says, “If he dies, you’ll let me know?”

I’m silent.

“You’re pretty attached to this animal, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Lou looks at the elephant again. “You … you mind telling me how you happen to have this thing?”

“I won him in a bet.”

“A bet.” He looks up at the sky and then around at the woods. “It must cost you a fortune to feed this thing.”

“No.”

“Oh.” He looks at Renoir. “Well, if he does—”

“I’ll let you know.” I stroke Renoir’s trunk. “You want to come inside?”

“Yeah.” He stops. “I forgot something. Come and give me a hand.” He walks back to the car and I’m following him. “I don’t want to leave these in the trunk; they might stink the car up.”

“What is it?” I ask.

He opens the trunk. “Road kills.”

I stop and I turn around and walk back to the cabin. I watch him from the porch as he pulls a few dead dogs and cats out and puts them on the ground by a tree. He’s slapping his hands clean as he walks toward the cabin.

“That’s got it,” he says. “You got any coffee?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” He steps up onto the porch.

“What about some bacon and eggs?” I open the door and hold it for Lou.

He steps inside and there’s Jincy putting wood in the fire to cook lunch — eggs and bacon. Lou is still.

“This is Jincy,” I says. “Jincy, this here is Lou.”

Lou smiles at Jincy and turns to me with a questioning expression. He’s looking around the cabin. “So, you like it here pretty much, do you?”

I nod.

“Where’s your mother, little girl?” Lou asks.

“Dead.”

“Where’s your daddy?”

“Jail.”

Lou looks at me. “Who is she?”

I look at Jincy and then at Lou. “My daughter.” Lou is real puzzled. “I adopted her,” I tell him.

Lou frowns and then he looks at the stuffed animals about the cabin. “Thelma asked me if I knew where you were. I told her you were scouting the farm teams. I told her I’d tell you to call her.” He pauses. “Peter misses you.”

“Yeah, well, I miss him.”

Jincy is staring at me.

“What about them eggs?” I ask and pull the skillet down and drop it on the stove.

Lou walks to the window and looks out at Renoir and then he turns back to Jincy. “Your mama’s dead?”

“As a doornail.”

Lou straightens up and tilts his head. “And your old man’s in the slammer?”

“Last I heard.”

Lou looks back out the window. “I don’t believe you’ve got an elephant.” He sighs.

Lou’s in the cabin taking a nap and Jincy is outside with a stick, pulling mud from between Renoir’s toes, and I’m heading out for a walk. The late-afternoon sun is hot, but I can’t really feel it until I’m by the lake. I’m standing by the water and there’s that osprey flying real high and then he takes his wings in and plunges down into the water and comes out with a fish.

“Pandion haliaetus,” comes a voice from behind me. I turn to the voice and it’s a short man, stocky, with glasses. He steps toward me. “Hello there.”

“Hey,” I says.

He points to the osprey. “Pandion haliaetus.”

I frown. “Osprey,” I says, and just like that, there’s that bald eagle screaming and scaring the osprey and stealing the fish.

“Haliaeetus leucocephalus,” he says, pointing at the eagle.

“Bald eagle,” I says.

“I’m Richard Beckwith.” He shoves his hand out.

“Craig Suder.” I’m shaking his hand and noticing that his glasses seem to be a quarter-inch thick.

He tilts his head. “Craig Suder, the ballplayer?”

I look out over the water. “This sure is a pretty place. This lake got a name?”

“Yeah, this is Ezra Pond.”

“Hmmmmm.”

“I’m from Oregon State.” He smiles. “I teach zoology. You are the ballplayer, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” I look at his eyes and he nods and I says, “I’m on vacation.”

“Me, too.”

Well, this guy takes to walking with me and he’s talking about the weather and wildflowers and just generally making noise. And I figure I’ve got to shake him if I’m going to see any birds that ain’t flying away. And this fella insists on calling everything by its Latin name, which annoys me to no small degree, and I’m making a point of correcting him.

“Lepus sylvilagus,” he says.

And I says, “Rabbit.”

“Perisoreus canadensis.”

“Gray jay.”

Finally, we come to a fork in the trail and he tells me he’s got to go left and I tell him I’ve got to go right. There’s a grouse waddling along in front of us and I’m waiting and Beckwith says, “Bonasa umbellus.”

“Grouse.”


“How do you know it was this dog?” Bud asked Mr. Simpson, the next-door neighbor.

“I saw him,” said Mr. Simpson. “I saw that mutt digging in my garden.” He pointed at Django.

“I’m sorry,” Bud said, “but you should have a fence around your garden.”

“You’re telling me what I should have in my own yard?” Mr. Simpson was really mad. “You’d better keep that dog out of my garden.” He paused. “Who are you?”

I got down on my knees and stroked Django’s head. “We’re sorry, Mr. Simpson,” I said.

“Look, you’ve upset the boy,” Bud said.

Mr. Simpson pointed again at the dog. “Listen, I don’t know who you are, but you’d better keep that dog out of my garden. If I catch him in there again, I’ll shoot him, so help me God.” He turned and marched away.

Bud looked down at me. “I guess we’re going to have to tie Django up.”

“Tie him up?”

“I’m sorry, Bird.”

We found some rope and tied Django to a tree in the backyard. Django barked and ran several times to the rope’s limit and was snatched back violently.

“He won’t hurt himself, will he?” I asked.

“No, but he’s going to be upset for a while.” Bud looked at the ground by his feet and kicked some grass. “Damn.”

“It’s not fair,” I said.

“What’s not?”

“Why does he have to be tied up? Why can’t we just let him run around?”

Bud didn’t say anything. He just turned and walked into the house. Django barked and pulled at the rope.


I walk on back to the cabin and as I get close I hear screaming. I run and there’s Jincy standing between Lou and Renoir, screaming. Lou’s got the chain saw in his hands and he’s trying to get around the girl to the elephant.

“Lou!” I shout, running to him.

He turns the saw off. “Shit.”

Jincy runs to me. “He was going to kill Renoir.”

I’m looking at Lou.

“You don’t understand,” Lou says. “I have to have that animal. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I need this animal.”

“Give me the saw,” I says.

“You’re really fond of him.” He looks at Renoir.

“The saw,” I repeat.

He hands it over and rubs his hands together nervously. He looks at me with wet eyes.

“Let’s eat dinner,” I says.

Eggs and bacon.

Night comes and we all go to bed, but I don’t sleep. I’m lying there watching Lou and he’s lying there watching me watch him. Every time Lou sits up, I sit up.

In the morning Lou is in his car. “I just can’t be trusted around that elephant. Hurry up and get better.”

“Okay,” I says.

He’s looking at Renoir and then he turns his eyes to me. “See ya.”

“I’ll call you if he dies.”


Chapter 19


So, a couple of days later I’m in Parkdale and I’m in the little store buying eggs and bacon. There are some fellas standing around and I hear their conversation.

“I tell you,” says a large man in overalls, “the shit I found in the woods wasn’t dropped by no horse.” He pauses. “Nor cow.”

Another man chuckles. “What do you think it was, Justin? Bigfoot?”

Then the clerk says, “Some people was in here a week or so ago claiming they seen an elephant by the lake.”

“An elephant?” The second man laughs and pushes the brim of his tractor cap up.

“An elephant, huh?” questions the large man and he hooks his thumbs around the straps of his overalls and rocks back and forth on his heels. “This might have been elephant shit.”

“An elephant would have left tracks,” the second man says.

The large man tilts his head. “Yeah, but I wasn’t looking for elephant tracks.”

“This is it?” the clerk asks me, pulling the things on the counter toward him. “Looks like five bucks to me.” I pay him and he’s putting the things in a bag. He turns to the two men. “So, what’re you going to do, Justin?”

“I’m going to hunt down whatever it is and shoot it,” says the large man.

I pick up the bag and as I’m passing through the doorway I bump into a real thin fella with dark glasses and a badge. He gives me a real hard look and I head on outside. I glance back in and see the badged man talking to the clerk and I can tell they’re discussing me. I walk to the truck and I put the groceries on the seat beside me and, as I’m turning the key, a long thin hand slaps over the lowered window.

“Wanna turn off the motor?” asks the thin man with the badge. I shut down the engine. “I’m Sheriff—” He stops as the engine coughs. “I’m Sheriff Prager.”

I nod. “I’m Craig Suder.”

“You’re black.”

I don’t know what to say to him.

He smiles. “We don’t get many blacks around these parts.”

“Well, I’m staying at the Tyler place.” I look ahead through the windshield.

Prager thumbs his dark glasses up his nose and spits on the ground. “Gerald Sims tells me you were asking him about some hay.”

“I was thinking of getting a couple of horses, but I decided against it.”

“Hmmmmm.” He looks at me. “The reason I ask is because somebody’s been stealing hay from Michael Dobbs.”

“Oh.”

“Just asking.” He looks up at the sun. “I might just come up and pay you a little visit one day.” He smiles.

I nod and I reach to turn the key.

“One more thing,” says Prager.

“Yeah?”

“There’s a little girl lost around here.”

“Is she black?”

Prager looks at me. “Why, no.” He scratches his head. “You might keep an eye out.”

“Sure.”

He slaps the truck and walks away.

I pull the cord and the chain saw revs up and I push the blade against the north wall of the cabin. This wall is without windows and the saw churns through. I hear Jincy screaming and she runs out of the cabin and stares at me, panting.

“What are you doing?” she asks above the sound of the saw.

I stop the saw.

“What are you doing?” she repeats.

“Cutting.”

“What?”

“The wall.”

“Why?”

“So Renoir can get into the house.”

Jincy’s eyes light up. “Really?”

I nod and then I start the saw up again. She says something and I turn the machine off once more.

“Why?”

“I heard some people in town say they’re going to shoot him.”

Jincy is silent. I look at her for a while and I pull the cord again and start cutting. As I’m cutting I look over and see Jincy stroking Renoir’s trunk. I cut out a large section of wall and rig up some hinges at the bottom and with a couple of pulleys we’ve a drawbridge-type door for the elephant.

Inside, Jincy and I move all of our things to the south side of the cabin. I pile hay in the front corner of the elephant’s side and we bring Renoir inside. Jincy is just as excited as she can be, but I’m having second thoughts because this animal has a smell to suit his size.

“I don’t know,” I says, “he may have to stay outside.”

“Why?”

“He smells pretty strong, don’t you think?”

“Well, yeah, but we can’t let him stay out there. They’ll shoot him.” She runs over to Renoir and hugs his trunk.

“He stinks something fierce.”

“I’ll wash him three times a day.”

I look at her for a second. I don’t know that three baths won’t keep the smell away. “Okay.”


Daddy went running with Ma in the evening. It was cooler then. Bud and I were sitting on the porch and Martin came out.

“Sure is close out here,” Martin said, pulling the front of his shirt away from his body.

“Yeah, it’s a hot one,” Bud agreed.

Martin looked at me. “I think that dog needs some water.”

Bud was up and to the door. “I’ll take care of it,” he said and entered the house.

“How do you like Django?” I asked Martin.

“Stupid name.” Martin looked up and down the street. “Is Daddy really out there running with her?”

“Yeah.” I paused. “It’s not a stupid name.”

“Out there running. I don’t believe it. This is crazy.”

Daddy and Ma came into sight walking up the street and then they broke into a trot the rest of the way to the porch. Ma fell up the stairs and through the front door and Daddy sat on the steps. He was wet and breathing hard. “Man, is it hot,” Daddy said, wiping his face with his shirt.

Bud came through the screen door. “Doc! How you making it?”

“I’m making it,” Daddy answered.

“I think you’re crazy to be running in this heat,” Bud said.

“Me, too,” Martin said.

“Maybe,” Daddy said.

Bud sat in the rocker. “How’s she coming?”

“She’s coming. She may have to walk some of the way. She ran about seven miles.”

“She’s crazy,” Martin snapped.

Daddy looked at Martin and gave him a pat on the leg.

“By the way, Doc,” Bud began, “I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks. I’ve booked passage on a freighter to England.”

Daddy looked up at Bud. “Well, good for you.”

Bud looked at me and smiled. “How about that, Bird? From there I’ll go to France.”

I didn’t say anything. I scratched my arm where a mosquito had bitten me and then Django came running onto the porch. “Hey,” I said, “how did you get loose?” I looked at Bud.

“Better go tie him up,” Daddy said, “or Mr. Simpson will shoot him.”

I got up and walked Django around to the backyard. I grabbed the rope and looked at the end of it. It hadn’t been gnawed through. I looked at Django and wondered how he’d got loose. I didn’t want to tie him up, but I did. I walked back to the front wondering just how the dog had got free.

Daddy and Martin were still on the porch. Martin was upset. “Now everybody’s going to think you’re crazy, too.”

“Maybe,” Daddy said.

“Do you have to do this?”

Daddy looked at Martin. “No.”

“Then why?” Martin was almost crying.

Daddy looked up thoughtfully and then his eyes found me. “I’m not sure,” he answered. “How’s the dog?”

“Tied up.”

“Shame you’ve got to keep him tied, but Mr. Simpson will shoot him.” Daddy groaned and stood. He placed his fist in the small of his back and stretched. “Hot, hot, hot,” he said and walked into the house.


The next morning I leave Jincy to bathe Renoir and I walk to the lake. So, I’m sitting on a rock and I’m watching this eagle gliding on flat wings and Beckwith shows up.

“What are you looking at?” the zoologist asks.

I point up at the bird.

“Oh, Haliaeetus leucocephalus,” he says, sitting beside me.

“Bald eagle.”

“Pretty amazing, eh?”

I look at him and hoist up my eyebrows.

“The flight,” he says.

I nod.

“You know, birds don’t just flap their wings up and down.”

“No?”

“No. High-speed photography shows that they move their wings in figure eights. So, they push themselves through the air very much as a propeller pushes a boat through water.” He pulls a chocolate bar from his daypack and offers me some.

I shake my head.

“Yeah, birds are amazing.” He takes another bite of chocolate and then points across the lake. “Odocoileus hemionus.”

“Deer,” I says under my breath.

“They’re hot, too.”

“Hmmmm?”

“Birds, they’re hot. They’ve got high body temperatures — one hundred and five degrees sometimes. Hot, just like any engine powerful enough to fly.” What he’s saying is fascinating. “They’ve got very flexible bodies.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“More vertebrae than any other animal.”

“You don’t say.”

“More than giraffes, even.”

“Ain’t that something.” There’s a pause. “I wish I could fly.”

He chuckles. “Wishes, wishes.”

“I think I will.”

Beckwith laughs harder and he stands up. “I like you,” he says and starts away. “I’ll see you later.”

I don’t say anything and I look up and there’s an osprey slowly beating his wings across the lake.

I walk back to the cabin a different way and I get a little lost until I come out onto the highway. There’s a car parked on the road and two fellas with binoculars are scanning the area.

“Hello there,” says one of the men.

“Hey.”

“Have you seen a little girl?”

“A little girl?”

“Yes, a runaway.”

“No.” I walk on past them.

“Keep your eyes open, all right?”

I turn back to face them and nod. I walk on back to the cabin.


When Daddy wasn’t in his office he was with Ma, running with her, helping her train. Martin was annoyed; he didn’t understand. I thought I understood, but I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that Ma seemed closer to Daddy. She even seemed less abusive to Martin. Every morning and every night Daddy and Ma went running.


Chapter 20


I decide that flying is a distinct possibility and that being a bird is well worth my while. I’ve pretty much given up on the saxophone — it hurts Jincy’s ears and starts Renoir in a screaming fit. One day I’m sitting in front of the cabin and I’m watching the gray jays.

“What are you thinking about?” Jincy asks, sitting down beside me. Renoir is munching hay.

“Flying,” I says. “I’m gonna fly.”

“Where to?”

“I just want to fly.”

Jincy is silent for a spell. “You mean fly in an airplane, right?”

“No,” I tell her. “I mean fly like a bird.”

“How?” Her eyes are wide and curious.

“I figure I’ll make some wings and, in general, act like a bird.”

“Like how?”

“I plan to raise my body temperature and loosen up my neck and eat worms.”

Jincy frowns. “Eat worms?”

“Yeah.” I pause. “I figure I’ll make wings and step off Willet Rock.”

“Willet Rock?”

“Yeah, you can see it from this side of the lake, way up. I guess it’s about two thousand feet. You’ve got to go around the mountain to get to it because it’s on the steep face.”

“Two thousand feet?” Jincy looks over at the peak of the nearby mountain. “I don’t think you should try it.”

I don’t say anything and then I hear a car coming. “Quick,” I bark, “get Renoir into the house.” I run into the cabin and lower the wall and Jincy steps inside with the elephant. I pull up the wall and kick his hay around and this pickup pulls up with two fellas.

“Howdy,” says the driver. Both men are out of the truck. They’re rangers.

“Hey,” I greet them. “What can I do for you?”

“This is going to sound crazy,” says the one who was driving, looking at his partner and smiling, “but we’re up here looking for an elephant.”

“An elephant?” I question.

“Yeah,” says the second man, chuckling. “Some folks claim they seen an elephant up here.”

“You mean an elephant with a trunk, like in a circus and all?”

The driver laughs. “Yeah.”

And I laugh loud and then Renoir gives a blast from his snout.

“What was that?” asks the driver.

“Stereo,” I tell him. Then I yell back at the cabin, “You want to turn that down in there?!”

The two men look at each other and the driver shrugs his shoulders. “Well, if you see anything …,” the driver says and stops. “Probably just a moose way off track. It ain’t enough that everybody’s running around seeing Bigfoot, we got to have an elephant.” They get back into their truck. “Sorry to bother you.”

“No bother,” I tell him and they leave and I go back into the cabin to check on Renoir.

That night I come back from my walk and Renoir ain’t outside and when I step into the cabin he ain’t there. Jincy’s in the cabin, sitting at the table, drawing pictures of Renoir.

“Where’s Renoir?” I ask.

“Outside,” she says without looking up.

“No, he’s not.”

“Sure he is,” she says, standing and walking to the window. She looks outside and then at me. “He was out there.”

We go outside with a couple of lanterns and we can see Renoir’s tracks. They’re real deep because the dirt drive is still wet from the last rain. We follow them for about three miles and I get real nervous because it looks like Renoir has gone into town. We don’t go back to get the truck as we’re already halfway to Parkdale.

Jincy is very upset, almost crying. “I hope Rennie doesn’t get shot.”

We walk on through the darkness, swinging our lanterns and whistling for Renoir. Finally we find him behind a split-level and he’s in a duck pond.

“Are you sure it’s Rennie?”

I call him and Jincy calls him, but he won’t come. I end up stepping into the water and leading him out by one of his ears. Then we’re walking through backyards and dogs are barking at us and an occasional light snaps on. Jincy is riding on top of Renoir and we make our way back to the road. A car comes up behind us and Jincy is becoming hysterical. It turns out to be Beckwith.

Beckwith stops his car and he walks around to me and he looks at Renoir. “Loxodonta africana,” he says. He looks at me. “You’ve got a Loxodonta africana.”

“Elephant.”

“What are you doing with a Loxodonta africana?”

But I’m just walking away and leading Renoir home, muttering, “Elephant.”

Beckwith gets into his car and drives away and he’s at the cabin waiting when we arrive. “Now, tell me what you’re doing with a Loxodonta africana.”

“He’s a pet,” I tell him.

Beckwith walks around the elephant, examining him closely. “He’s a fine one.”

Jincy and I are paying Beckwith little attention and I walk into the house and lower the wall while Jincy waits with Renoir.

“You keep him inside?” Beckwith asks as Jincy walks the animal over the wall.

Beckwith is standing outside and I say goodnight and pull up the wall.


The next night, I stepped out into the backyard and found Django gone. He had been untied. I ran up to my room and yelled at Martin, “Why did you untie the dog?!”

“I didn’t.”

I believed him and I ran back outside. “Djanjo!” I called. “Django!”

Then Martin stepped outside. “You’d better find him before bang! bang!” He held his hands up like he was holding a rifle.

“Django!” I walked next door into Mr. Simpson’s yard. The dog wasn’t there. At least he wasn’t in Mr. Simpson’s garden. He wasn’t to be found about the neighborhood. Finally I was at the pond and Django was in it. “Come here,” I called. But the dog wouldn’t come. I sat on the grass for a time while Django swam around. The moon was full, offering some light. Then I stepped into the pond after the dog. The water was almost to my chest. I pulled the dog out. I don’t know what came over me, but I took a shortcut through Mr. Simpson’s backyard. Mr. Simpson’s kitchen light came on and I fell to the ground. I held Django’s mouth closed. Someone stepped up to the screen door and then moved away. The light went off and I ran the rest of the way. I tied Django up and walked into the house.

“You’re wet,” Daddy said, standing in the kitchen with a glass of iced tea in his hand.

“I had to go into the pond for Django.”

He sipped his tea and pulled back the curtain to look into the yard. “Your mother’s coming right along.” He sipped his tea. “She might just do it.” He looked at me. “Why don’t you get cleaned up?”

“Daddy, why are you running with Ma?”

“Let’s say I don’t want her to run alone.”


The next morning Jincy and Renoir are behind me and we’re walking through the woods. The sun is up and bright.

“Shake that salty bacon,” Jincy says.

And I look back. “What are you saying?”

“I said, shake that salty bacon.” And she points at my backside.

I get real embarrassed and stop. “You walk in front of me.”

“Why? I like watching it.”

“Just go on.”

Jincy walks on in front of me and I’m watching the sky and thinking about flying.

“You still gonna fly?” Jincy asks without looking back.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think you should. I don’t want you to.”

I don’t say anything.

“Why?”

“I want to be free,” I tell her.

“Free?”

“Uh-huh.”

We walk on in silence and when we get near the lake Jincy drops to her hands and knees and starts raking at the ground with her fingers.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Digging worms,” she says, not stopping.

“Why?”

Still digging: “For you to eat. You want to be free, don’t you?”

I stand over her for a minute and then I’m on my knees, helping her.

She hands me a worm. “Eat it.”

I take it and I tilt my head back and let it slide down my throat and it wiggles as it goes down. Jincy is smiling and crying at the same time. I pull her to me and hug her and she cries harder.


Naomi and I were sitting beneath the big tree in the old school yard. It was muggy and there were bad-looking storm clouds in the distance. Across the yard, sitting under a basketball goal, was Virgil Wallace. Virgil was pulling on himself.

“Look at that waterhead over there.” Naomi pointed at Virgil. “What’s he doing?”

“He’s-” I didn’t know if I should tell her.

“What?”

“He’s pulling on himself.” She had a questioning expression. “You know.” I moved my hand up and down over my middle.

She giggled. Then she looked up into the tree. “I saw your mother and father last night.”

I didn’t say anything.

“They were running. Is your daddy going crazy, too?”

“No,” I snapped. I knew what question was coming. “He’s just trying to help Ma.”

“What’s all the running for?”

“My mother wants to run around Fayetteville.”

Naomi laughed.

“It’s not funny!” I shouted. “Why are you laughing? Your daddy uses caskets over and over again and cuts off dead people’s hair.”

She stopped laughing. “He does not.”

“He does. I found dirt on his caskets.”

Naomi was silent. She looked down at her knees. “He does not,” she said softly.

“I’m sorry.”

She looked at me. “Do you like me?”

“I told you, yes.”

“I like you, too.” And she reached for my hand and grabbed my little finger and bent it back. It hurt. “Take it back,” she said, applying pressure. “Say it isn’t so. Say my daddy doesn’t do that.”

“Okay, okay,” I said. I was in a great deal of pain. “He doesn’t use caskets over.”

“Or cut off dead people’s hair?”

“Or cut off dead people’s hair.”

She gave my finger one last twist and I fell over, my head landing in her lap. I was looking up at her. She lowered her head and placed her lips against mine. My eyes were wide open and I could see her closed eyes and her smooth skin. Her tongue was darting in and out of my mouth. I didn’t kiss back — I didn’t know how — but I didn’t resist. Then a shadow fell over my face. I thought it might be clouds, but there was something odd. So, I pushed Naomi’s face away and I looked up and saw Virgil Wallace. He was standing over us, his penis in his hand. Naomi screamed and she fell back against the tree when she tried to get up. I got up and pulled her into standing. We ran.


Even with the three baths a day that Renoir gets from Jincy, the cabin smells. Renoir ain’t house-trained and I decide to go into town for some newspapers. There are several newspaper-vending machines in Parkdale and I start off at one end of town emptying all the papers into the truck. Then at the fourth machine I put my dime in and I look beside me and there’s skinny Sheriff Prager. I open the machine and pull out one paper and smile at him.

“Howdy,” he says.

“Hey.”

“Nice day.” He’s looking up at the sunny sky.

“Uh-huh.”

“How’re things?” He pushes his dark glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Just fine, just fine.”

“Sure is nice weather.”

“Sure is.”

“I know I asked you before, but have you seen a little girl?”

“No.”

“Tell me, what do you do with yourself up there?”

“I walk and relax and pretty soon I’m going to fly off Willet Rock.”

He’s silent for a second and then he laughs and slaps my back. “You’re all right,” he says and starts away and then he stops. “You seen anything like an elephant up there?”

“Elephant?”

“Never mind.” He pauses. “Fly off Willet Rock”-he laughs—“that’s rich.” He walks away.

I put another dime in the machine and take the rest of the papers.


Chapter 21


So, I’m putting newspaper on the floor on Renoir’s side of the cabin and Jincy is helping me. I notice a story on an inside page. The headline reads: MANAGER DIES ON RURAL ROAD. The story says that Lou Tyler died after being hit by a car and there’s a quote from the driver of the car that hit him: “I didn’t see him until it was too late. I came around the curve and there he was, holding that dog in his arms.” I fall from my knees to my butt and sit silently.

“What’s wrong?” Jincy asks.

“Nothing.”

Jincy looks at the paper in front of me. “Lou Tyler,” she says. “Ain’t that the guy who—”

I nod.

“He was weird.”

I’m still silent.

“Are you going to leave here?” she asks.

I look at her. “Did your mother hate you?”

“Why?”

“Just wondering.”

Jincy stands and starts putting wood into the stove and she’s looking back at me through her yellow hair. “I love you.”

And there’s this long silence and I’m looking at her and then I start spreading the papers again. She cooks lunch. Bacon and eggs.


Ma tried to run around the town again. This time she made it about halfway. Daddy was with her and I don’t think he could have run much farther either. I was behind them, riding my bicycle. They just stopped. Ma bent over and rested her hands on her knees. Daddy’s hands were on his hips and he was breathing hard. Then McCoy drove by, out of the blue. So much for the morning.

Daddy was annoyed greatly by the morning’s failure. He said that more practice was needed. Instead of coffee, he had iced tea at breakfast and then he went to his office. Martin left the table and it was just Ma and me.

“Almost,” I said. Bud started playing the piano in the other room.

Ma nodded. “You’re a good boy, Craigie.” She looked past me, through the screen door. “Like your daddy.”

I liked that she had said that. “I love you, Ma.”

She seemed not to hear me and then she looked at me and tilted her head. She smiled. “Love,” she said. She laughed.

I didn’t know what to make of her. It didn’t seem as though she was laughing at me. I giggled nervously.

Ma stopped and stared at me. “What are you laughing at?”

I didn’t know what to say. I became very frightened. I pushed against the back of my chair.

Ma leaned forward, putting her arms on the table. “What is love?” she asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

She shrugged her shoulders, too, and laughed loudly. She kept on shrugging her shoulders and laughing. She didn’t notice when I got up and walked out.


Birds have got really flexible necks. A bird can touch any part of his body with his beak, and so I’m doing neck exercises. I’m touching my nose to my knees and I’m pulling my feet to my face and I’m rubbing my nose on my shoulder, but it’s clear that there are spots I will never touch. Perhaps with a lot of exercise I will be able to touch my nose to my pecker. That’s my goal.

Birds have got really high body temperatures. The only way I can figure to raise my temperature is by running a fever. So, I’m trying to catch a cold. The nights are chilly, so I try sleeping naked without a fire and with the wall down. Jincy’s all bundled up in blankets. It doesn’t work. All I get is a sore back.

“The water ain’t cold enough,” Jincy says.

I’m in the lake, Ezra Pond, splashing around early in the morning. “It’s cold,” I tell her and I duck down under the water and come back up.

“Not cold enough.” She’s at the edge, shaking her hand in the water. “You can’t catch a cold in this. Go out some more.”

I swim on out a ways and the water is a little cooler. Renoir leaves Jincy’s side and steps into the lake and he takes to rolling over and shooting water out of his nose.

“Look!” Jincy is pointing up.

I look up in time to see the osprey pulling his wings in to dive and he’s diving at me. I figure he thinks I’m an extraordinary catch and I duck down under the water. He hits the water and heads up and I make my way quickly out of the water. We’re walking back to the cabin.

“I don’t think it worked,” Jincy says. She’s behind me.

I’m naked, cold, and wet. “Give it a chance,” I says. “A cold wouldn’t show up right away.”

“Shake that salty bacon.” She’s looking at my bare butt.

I stop. “Go on.”

“What?”

“Walk in front of me.”

“Gosh,” she says and walks on. “I like looking at it.”

As we’re walking I begin to think about wings. I’ll need wings to fly, but what to make them out of and how? I decide to collect feathers, and it’s unfortunate, but feathers only come from birds. So, when we’re back at the cabin I sit down at the table and start sketching my wings. Jincy’s on the other side of the cabin giving Renoir his morning bath.

“Are you hungry?” Jincy asks, dipping the rag into the bucket of soapy water.

“I’ll get some wood,” I says and get up. I slip into my trousers and step outside. My arms are full of wood and I’m standing up and I feel something poking me in the back. I look over my shoulder and it’s Sid Willis.

“Hello, Craig,” Sid says.

I don’t say anything.

“I want my money.” He pushes the barrel of the pistol into my back. “In the house.”

I open the door and step in and Sid is behind me and when he sees the elephant he stops dead in his tracks. Jincy stands up and takes a couple of steps back. I drop the wood and Sid doesn’t move. Sid’s eyes are locked on Renoir and he doesn’t notice me as I take the gun from him.

“Who is he?” Jincy asks once I’ve got the gun.

“He’s crazy,” I tell her. “He wants to kill me.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Tie him up.” I grab a length of rope and tie his hands behind his back. I walk Sid over to a chair near the stove and sit him down and his eyes are still locked on Renoir.

“Now what?” Jincy asks.

“I don’t know.” I look at her. “I don’t know.” I’m tying Sid to the chair. “We just keep him tied up.”

Sid is still looking at Renoir. Then he snaps to and finds himself tied up and struggles with the ropes. “What is this?” He tries to stand up and the chair comes with him. “What’s that?” He points at Renoir with his head.

“That’s an elephant,” I says.

“Why?”

I’m puzzled and I’m looking at Renoir. “‘Cause he ain’t a dog.”

“Untie me.” Sid sees Jincy. “Who’s she?”

“This is Jincy.”

“Untie me.”

“I can’t do that, Sid.”

“I just want my money.”

“I’m sorry,” I says and I’m putting wood into the stove. “I don’t trust you. If I untie you, you’ll shoot me.”

“I swear to God I won’t,” he says. “I just want my money.” He looks at the elephant again. “Just what are you doing with this thing?”

I turn to Jincy. “You want to fix up some breakfast?”

“Okay.” She starts picking the wood off the floor. “Really, we’re just going to leave him tied up?”

I nod. “Fix some breakfast for him, too.”

Jincy cooks breakfast. Eggs and bacon.

“I don’t want it,” Sid says, turning his face from the forkful of eggs that Jincy is holding.

“He won’t eat,” Jincy complains. “What’s wrong with it?” she asks Sid.

Sid’s eyes catch hers and her eyes are watering up and Sid gets real gentle. “It’s not the food, honey. I just can’t eat when I’m tied up like this.”

“Tough.” Jincy takes the plate away.

I’m putting on my shoes and Jincy is staring at me. “I’m going into town.”

“What about him?” She points at Sid.

“He’s tied up.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just starts doing the dishes. I put on my jacket and leave.


Chapter 22


So, I’m in this tavern in Parkdale and I’m sitting at the bar having a beer. I’m thinking about things in general and it all strikes me funny. Here I am, a black ballplayer in the mountains of Oregon with an elephant, a smart-ass nine-year-old white girl, and a black Indian tied up in my dead manager’s cabin. And to top it all off, I’m planning to fly off a mountain. I laugh out loud.

“What’s so funny?” asks the barman.

I just shake my head and look down the bar and there’s a woman with a bulbous nose and she’s got a little bit of something on her upper lip. She wipes it away with her napkin and sniffs and I see this as my chance to catch a cold.

I ask the barman to give the woman down the way a beer and he gives her a wink and gives her the beer. The woman looks over at me and smiles and this is one ugly white woman. But I ain’t interested in her, I’m interested in her cold. I slide along the bar and I says to her, “I want to kiss you on the lips.” Well, she gets madder than a wet hen and rears back like she’s going to hit me and I says, “Wait, let me explain.” She calms down a little and I swallow. “I want to kiss you because you’ve got a runny nose.” And pop! she smacks me one across the face and I go back to the other end of the bar, holding my face.

“No luck, huh?” The barman chuckles.

“Let me have another beer,” I says and I look at the woman again. If it wasn’t for the snot on her lip she’d have no appeal at all. I down a number of beers and I guess I ain’t the only one who finds the woman unattractive because she’s still alone. I’m a little drunk and I’m looking at that wet spot glistening under her bulbous nose and I walk over. And what I do is grab her and plant a big wet kiss on her mouth.

She lets out a scream and takes a swing and misses.

“What’s the problem here?” asks the barman.

“He kissed me,” the woman says.

“Congratulations, Marsha,” the barman says, laughing as he turns to me. “You didn’t really kiss her, did you?”

“Naw.”

He laughs louder and the woman yells, “Eat shit, Jerry!” And she walks out.

I have one more beer and I leave. Outside, waiting for me, is the ugly woman with the nose. She smiles at me. “I liked it when you kissed me,” she says. “I’m Marsha.”

I want nothing to do with this woman and I’m trying to walk away. “I’m glad you liked it.”

She’s following me. “You’re new around here.”

I’m getting into my truck.

“Oh, what a big truck,” says Marsha. “It’s a beautiful night.” She’s looking at me through the open window. “A nice night for a drive.”

I start up the truck. “I’m sorry.”

“I love it when you play hard to get.”

I’m driving away.

When I get back to the cabin I find Jincy waiting up for me. She smells the beer on my breath and sees that I’m a little drunk and she takes a step back.

“You’re drunk,” she says.

“Yep.” I smile at her.

She starts to cry.

“What’s wrong with you?” I look over at Sid. “What’s wrong with her?”

“My daddy used to get that way and then he’d beat me.” She runs to her bed and buries her face in her pillow.

Sid looks at me and shakes his head. “You.”

“Me?” I pull a chair over and sit in front of Sid.

“So, you’re drunk.”

“Yep. Drunk, d-r-u-n-c-h, drunk.” I rub my eyes. “Sixteen — count ’em — sixteen beers and a kiss from ugly Marsha.”

Sid smiles. “Why don’t you untie me, boy?”

“I’m drunk, not stupid.”

“Tell me about the elephant.”

“A bet, won him in a bet.” I pause and focus on Sid. “You should have seen ugly Marsha. She had a nose the size of a grapefruit.”

“Why’d you kiss her?” asked Jincy.

“‘Cause she had a runny nose.”

She raises her eyebrows.

“I kissed her so I could catch a cold.” Jincy is frowning now. “You know I need a fever.”

“I’ll show you how to catch a cold,” says Sid.

“How?”

“Untie me and I’ll show you.”

“I’m not stupid. You stay tied.”

“You kissed her,” Jincy says.


“Is there hair on it?” Naomi asked. We were sitting on an old bench in my garage.

“What?” I didn’t know what she was talking about.

“Is there hair? Down there.” She pointed at my crotch.

I swallowed and tossed back my head. Rain was striking the roof. “Some.”

“Some?” Naomi laughed. Then she leaned over and kissed me. She pushed her tongue deep into my mouth, then rubbed it over my teeth. I closed my eyes and touched her tongue with mine. This really got to her and she hugged me and kissed me harder. Then she undid my trousers. I pulled away for a second, but she pulled me back. Now my tongue was in her mouth and she started sucking it and my eyes opened. I was perspiring heavily. I looked at her lowered lids; she looked so peaceful. Her hand slipped into my shorts and her fingers played with my penis. She squeezed it and let it fall through her fingers. Then she cupped my testicles and she giggled into my mouth. She removed her hand, grabbed my hand, and put it under her dress. My hand remained there motionless and then she pushed my elbow so that my hand touched her underwear. It was warm and damp there. She pushed my elbow again and I started groping at her panties. She put her hand back into my shorts. My fingers squeezed past her underwear and I felt the wet fold of flesh.

“What’s going on here?!” screamed Ma, sliding under the garage door.

Naomi gasped, pushed my hand off, and ran away. I fastened up my trousers with quick, shaking hands.

“What are you doing?!”

I had no answer for her.

Ma ran to me and stared into my eyes. I stood up. She slapped me. It really stung. Then she hit me again. “Why? Why did you kiss her?”

“She kissed me,” I said.

“Same thing!” She stomped. “I don’t believe you. I’ve got the milk you need. I’m your mother.” She began to pace. The rain stopped and there was no sound. “Don’t kiss her anymore.”

“Okay,” I said.

“Kiss me,” she said and she grabbed my head. She put her lips against mine and tried to force her tongue between my teeth.

I pulled away and fell backwards over the bench. I was on my feet quickly and running for the door. I slid under the door onto the wet gravel outside. I ran to the pond and stretched on the wet grass. I cried.


The next morning I’m just dripping and sniffing like crazy and I’m just thrilled and Jincy is feeling my head for a fever.

“Seems normal to me,” she says.

“You’re crazy,” I says, moving her hand and putting my knuckles against my cheek. “I’m burning up.”

Then there’s a knock at the door and Jincy looks at me with scared eyes. I walk to the window and look out, but I don’t see a car. I open the door a crack and it’s Richard Beckwith. I let him in.

“I came by to see your Loxodonta africana again,” Beckwith says as he enters. He stops when he sees Sid and he turns to me.

“A guest,” I tell him.

“Why is he tied up?”

“He wants to kill me.”

“Why?”

“He’s crazy,” I tell him.

Beckwith looks around and sees Jincy. “Everyone in town is looking for you.”

“You didn’t tell anybody where I am, did you?” Jincy asks.

Beckwith shakes his head and then he looks at Renoir. “Damn,” he says, “that’s one fine specimen.” He pauses. “Are you going to tell me where you got him?”

“Won him in a bet.”

Beckwith just looks at me. “If you don’t want to tell me, just say so.”

“I told you.”

“Okay, okay. So, what are you going to do with him?” He’s pointing at Sid.

“Keep him tied up.”

“I can call the sheriff from my place.”

“No, thanks.”

Beckwith looks at Renoir and Jincy and then nods. “I understand.” He looks at Renoir again. “Beautiful.”

“Do me a favor,” I says. “Put your hand up here on my face and tell me if I’ve got a fever.”

He puts his hand on my forehead and shakes his head. “Seems normal.”

I pull away from him. “Jesus, you’re as bad as she is.” I’m pointing at Jincy. “I’m burning up.”

“Untie me so I can see,” says Sid. “Let me touch your face.”

“I don’t think so,” I says.

Beckwith leaves and Jincy is staring at me.

“What is it?” I ask her.

“Just who did you kiss?”

“Just some woman.”

“Why?”

“Because she had a cold.” I sniff. “And now I’ve got it.”

“And what about him?” She’s pointing at Sid.

“What about him?”

“He says you stole his money.” She pulls out the briefcase and opens it. “This money.”

Sid gasps.

“I didn’t steal it, I ended up with it,” I tell her. “He was trying to kill me.”

Jincy’s eyes are wet. “Why’d you kiss her?”

“I needed her cold.” I turn and walk out. “Jesus,” I mutter as I slam the door and I walk off toward the lake. I don’t know how to read Jincy’s behavior. It seems like she’s jealous and I figure it’s natural, but it’s more complicated — like she thinks I’m her boyfriend.


I sat by the pond for a long time, watching the ducks and tossing stones into the water and thinking. Ma had me scared to death and I didn’t know what to think about Naomi. She had caused some unfamiliar feelings to stir within me. When dark came I headed home. My eyes scanned the ground. Martin had left off shooting sparrows, so there were none.

As I approached the house I saw Bud. He was in the backyard. I watched him as he untied Django. The dog went running off.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked, running to Bud.

He was startled. “Oh, Bird,” he said.

“Why?”

“I just couldn’t stand to see him tied up.”

“But Mr. Simpson—”

“That’s called a chance,” Bud said and started back toward the house. I walked with him. “If Mr. Simpson shoots him, then he shoots him. At least the dog is free to get shot.”

“That’s not fair,” I said. “The dog doesn’t know anything.”

Bud stopped at the door and turned to me. “Nothing’s fair and nobody knows anything. That’s just the way it is.” He looked at my puzzled expression. “You don’t understand. Don’t worry, what I’m saying doesn’t make any sense.”

Then a rifle shot rang out. “It’s your fault!” I cried and hit him in the stomach.

He stared at me without expression. Then he stepped into the house.

Bud was gone when I woke up the next morning. I sat in the living room and recalled his playing.


Chapter 23


Sid’s been tied up for some days now and he’s complaining that his circulation has stopped, even though I’ve let him up to walk around the cabin a few times. He’s also complaining about the fact that he’s only had eggs and bacon to eat.

“Eggs and bacon, bacon and eggs.” Sid turns his cheek to the loaded fork.

“Eat it,” Jincy says, poking Sid’s face with the fork.

“Hey!” Sid yells. “How’d you like me to poke you in the face?”

“Eat!”

“I’m sick of eggs and bacon.”

“Eat!”

I’m sitting at the table, doing my neck exercises and looking at my wing plans. I need some plastic tubing and strong thin plastic, like garbage bags. I get up and grab my hat.

“Where are you going?” Jincy asks.

“To town. You need anything?”

“Food,” Sid says.

“What are you going to town for?”

“Materials,” I answer. “For my wings.” I look at Jincy’s silent face for a second and then I leave.

So, I’m in town and I’m looking across the counter in the general store at the fella with the buck teeth and the enormous forehead. On the counter I’ve got plastic tubing and about a dozen boxes of trash bags of assorted kinds.

“What do you need all these trash bags for?” asks the clerk.

I think at first it’s none of his business, but I says, “You expect me to fly without wings?”

He just looks at me.

“I’m going to fly off Willet Rock.”

The clerk laughs and looks at the merchandise on the counter. “Looks like fifteen dollars.”

“I’m serious,” I tell him, handing him a twenty-dollar bill.

He gives me my change and laughs louder. “I like you.” He catches his breath and looks at me. “They tell me you’re Craig Suder, the ballplayer. Why ain’t you playing ball?”

I collect my goods and I leave and waiting for me by my truck is ugly Marsha.

“Hi there,” says Marsha.

“Hey.”

“It’s good to see you.” She puts her foot on the running board of the truck and pulls her skirt over her knee.

I’m looking at her fat leg and noticing her fat ankle and I says, “Excuse me.” And I reach for the door handle.

She catches my hand and kisses it. “I love you.”

“Excuse me.” I move her leg and I open the door and get into the truck.

“I’ll do anything for you,” she says and moves her bushy eyebrows up and down. “Anything.” She touches her nose with her tongue.

I shake my head and start the engine and drive away. I look in the mirror and see her yelling at me and giving me the finger.

On the road I see a pheasant that’s been hit by a car and I get out and toss it into the truck. I need the feathers for my wings. I figure a couple more road kills and the stuffed birds in the cabin should offer enough feathers.

I drive on and I’m feeling sorry for ugly Marsha, but I ain’t about to go back and try to make her feel better. Then I start to wonder what I should do with Sid and I think that maybe I can just untie him and force him to leave at gunpoint. I doubt it.

“I don’t see why it matters all that much where I glue the feathers,” Jincy says.

I look across the table at her. “It matters.” I’ve built the frames of the wings with plastic tubing. Each frame is like a big horseshoe, about as tall as me, with slats running across the width. I’ve sorted out the strongest trash bags and cut them into strips and wrapped the strips around the frames. The feathers are going on one at a time.

“This is really boring,” Jincy says.

I nod.

Jincy glues on another feather. “Will these things work?” I’m silent for a second and then, “Uh-huh.”

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh.”

She pushes the feathers away and puts her head on folded arms on the table. “I don’t want you to do this.” “Want me to do what?” I tip my beret up. “Jump.”

“I’m not jumping, I’m flying.” I stick on another feather.

She looks up at me. “What if they don’t work?”

“They’ll work.”

“I’m sick of gluing on feathers,” Jincy says and closes her eyes.

“I’ll help,” says Sid.

“No, thank you,” I says. I look back at Jincy. She looks very small. “What are you afraid of?”

She raises her head. “What if they don’t work? What if you fall? You could die. I’ll be left alone.”

Silence.

Then I speak: “Why don’t you bring Renoir in and give him a bath?” I get up and grab my jacket. “I’m going to Willet Rock.”

I leave the house and walk up the trail on the south side of the mountain and follow it around to the western face. It’s a good hour’s hike and I’m a little winded when I reach this giant boulder that overlooks the lake. Below me, flying in big circles, is a vulture and I can’t take my eyes off him. He ain’t moving his wings and the currents are taking him up and down. I close my eyes and feel the wind on my face. I fall asleep.

It’s dark when I wake up and a light mist is hovering around me. I can’t see a thing and I’m trying to feel my way along the trail and I’m getting real anxious because the woods are extra quiet. My face brushes against the leaves of a tree and they are wet from the fog. I inhale the moist air. It is cool. I walk slowly on and I’m thinking about the fog and remembering a postcard that Bud Powell sent me from London when I was young. The picture on the card was of lamps on the street shining through fog and the message read: “Almost there.”

Jincy is on her knees raking mud from between Renoir’s toes with a stick and I’m sitting on the front steps doing my neck exercises. Richard Beckwith comes walking up the drive and he’s smiling real big.

“Hey,” I greet him.

“Hi, Craig.” He seems nervous. “How’ve you been?”

“Fine. You?”

“Great.” He pauses and looks over at Jincy and Renoir. “You really think it’s right for you to keep that child with you? I mean, her parents must be pretty worried.”

“Her parents beat her up,” I tell him.

He rubs his face with his palm. “You know, there’s some talk down in town about you flying off the mountain.”

I just look at him and I’m touching my shoulder with my nose.

Beckwith is even more nervous and he looks around and then he points. “Perisoreus canadensis.”

“Gray jay.”

“Funny how rumors get started.” He chuckles.

And I smile.

“You’re going to try it, aren’t you?”

And I says, “Chirp, chirp.”

Beckwith tilts his head and looks at me with questioning eyes. “I can’t tell if you’re pulling my leg or not.”

“Chirp.”

“You’re joking.” He laughs nervously.

“Off Willet Rock.” I’m staring at his eyes behind those fat lenses.

“This is crazy.”

“Just finished my wings.” I stand up. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to rest. Tomorrow is the big day.”

“You know,” says Beckwith, “you’re talking about suicide.”

“Whatever.” I wave my fingers at him and turn and enter the cabin. I stare up at the ceiling and then my eyes fall over to my saxophone, which is in the corner. I hear Charlie Parker’s solo. I fall asleep, humming it softly to myself.


Chapter 24


“Be careful,” I says.

“Sorry,” Jincy says, pulling the razor a bit slower across my head. “It pulls because it ain’t sharp.”

“Go on. Don’t worry about it.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“I want to be streamlined, no wind resistance.” I straighten the towel around my neck.

“Damn silly,” says Sid.

I look at Jincy. “I’m going to shave my whole body.” “Everyplace?”

I nod and she cuts my head and I yelp and Renoir lets out a blast.

“Sorry,” she says and finishes. “There.”

I rub my hand over my clean head and whistle. “That’s pretty good.” I stand up and undress. “Give me the razor.”

Jincy hands me the razor without saying anything and I take to lathering up my legs.

“What are you doing?” Sid asks. “Shaving your legs?”

I don’t respond.

“Don’t that beat all,” he says, shaking his head. “Sick. I should have killed you without warning. Damn.”

Jincy watches silently as I pull the razor up and down my calves and then I lather up my groin.

“In front of the girl?” Sid asks in disbelief.

I don’t pay him no mind. I carefully shave around my penis and Jincy is staring at me. Her eyes rise up to meet mine and tears start to come out and roll down her cheeks.

Then there’s a pounding at the door and the sound of Richard Beckwith’s voice: “Craig! Craig!”

“Come in,” I says.

The door swings open and Beckwith sees me with my legs apart and a lathered-up crotch and he freezes. The bright daylight is behind him.

“What are you doing?” Beckwith asks.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing?”

“He’s shaving his nuts!” Sid screams. “The man is insane. Untie me so I can get away.” And then Sid yells at me, “I hope you slip and cut it off.” Then he makes a loud noise, trying to make me slip.

I’m finished and wiping the lather off with the towel. “What do you want?” I ask Beckwith.

Beckwith is staring at my crotch. “I was in town. I heard the sheriff— Why?”

I raise my eyebrows.

He points at my groin.

“I’m cutting down on air friction. What about the sheriff?”

He shakes his head. “The sheriff’s coming to arrest you. Some woman in town says you raped her.”

Jincy gasps.

“Psssst!” Sid tries to get Beckwith’s attention. “Get me out of here. He’s a crazy raper.”

“The guy in the store said her name was ugly Marsha,” says Beckwith.

“The woman I got the cold from.” I stand up. “Jincy, get me the cooking oil.”

“What are you doing now?” Beckwith asks.

“Getting ready to fly,” I answer. Jincy hands me the oil and I start rubbing it on my body. “Let the wall down,” I says to Jincy.

“You don’t really plan to go through with this?” Beckwith frowns.

The wall comes down and daylight floods the cabin and I grab my wings. I step across the wall and Renoir and Jincy are behind me. Beckwith is following, but Sid calls to him, “Hey, come here. I want to have a word with you.” And Beckwith goes back.

Jincy and I take off along the trail and a car pulls up to the cabin and a fat guy gets out. It’s fat Thomas from Portland.

“Craig!” yells fat Thomas. “Craig!” And he trots up the trail.

“Hey.” I step toward him.

“I’ve missed you,” he says. He looks past me. “You’ve got an elephant.”

Jincy looks at me.

Thomas is staring at my shaved groin and he starts to tremble like he’s going to blow up. Then he cries, “Oh, Craig, darling.” And he’s on his knees hugging me around the waist.

I push him away and deliver a punch to his chops and he falls over. He lies there.

Jincy and I walk on up the path and after some distance we see hunters on the trail ahead. We turn and head through the woods and up the mountain and we’re weaving through the trees. Then there’s a woman’s voice yelling, “I love you!” It’s ugly Marsha and she’s coming up behind us.

And behind Marsha is Sheriff Prager shouting for me to stop and he’s got his pistol drawn. His gun is pointing toward the sky and a bullet hits a tree near me and there’s Sid Willis limping up the incline. Prager ducks at the report from Sid’s gun and he turns to see Sid. Prager exclaims, “Another nigger in the woods!”

“I’m an Indian!” Sid screams and takes a shot at Prager and Prager shoots back and the two of them are hiding behind trees, shooting at each other.

Marsha is still running at us and yelling that she loves me and Thomas is coming to, shaking his head. Jincy and I are moving faster and I’m looking back every few steps.

“Go on,” Jincy says and she looks back at me. “I love you.” I turn and start running through the woods, naked, my wings under my arm, and soon I’m back on the trail.


It was early Saturday morning and it was unusually cool because it had rained the night before. Martin and I were on our bicycles behind Ma and Daddy as they ran. People stepped out onto their porches as we passed — the black people, anyway. The white people pulled their curtains back and gathered at their windows. The pace slowed greatly after about six miles, but with second winds Ma and Daddy picked up the tempo again.

After four hours I was very tired. Ma was falling forward and Daddy was limping, clutching at his sides. Weeks of practice had not caused them such pain. There was no talking.

Finally we were only a few blocks from home. People were stepping out of their houses and onto the street. Word of Ma’s approach spread down the street. Cars were standing in the middle of the road and people were sitting on hoods and roofs, watching.

I was behind Ma. Her back straightened as she drew closer to the end. She was merely falling into each step, finding her stride. The silence was broken by one person applauding and then everyone was clapping. Daddy stopped about twenty feet from our yard and applauded, also. I hopped off my bike and let it fall to the street. I stood by Daddy, clapping and watching as Ma ran off the street and into our driveway. She fell to her knees on the gravel. Daddy and I ran to her. Daddy dropped to one knee beside her and just looked at her. Ma looked at her bleeding knees and then at Daddy. Tears were rolling down her face. Daddy pulled her close and the neighbors became silent. Daddy picked Ma up and carried her toward the house. His eyes were wet.


Well, I’m on this rock and I’m looking down over the lake and I slip into my wings. The sky is clear and the wind is firm and what I do is step off Willet Rock. I free-fall for about fifty feet with my wings doing everything except what I want them to do and I pee because I’m so scared and all of a sudden I’m gliding.

My wings are full of the wind now and I’m a little dizzy because I’m flying in tight circles. I’m catching glimpses of figures in the woods far below. Then all hell breaks loose. I’m in a power dive, heading straight down, and let me tell you, there’s plenty of down to head into. The lake is still, like a mirror beneath me, and I can see my speck of a reflection. I think about that osprey pulling out of a dive and I pull up on the front of the wings and hold them as stiff as I can. And this ain’t easy because the wind is stretching my face around my head. I manage to pull out of the dive. In fact, when I pull out, I’m near this ridge and this blast of air sends me straight up. I realize now that there’s a lot I don’t know about air currents. Well, I’m starting to get the hang of it, but every now and then I find myself upside down or flying backwards.

Now I’m making big circles and I’m pretty much in charge and I’m slowly going down. I can see Jincy and Renoir by the lake and Jincy’s waving.

I’m feeling the wind on my face and listening to it roaring past my ears and I’ve got an erection. And I’m flying, goddamnit, I’m flying. Then I see Beckwith on a ridge with the hunters and he’s pointing up at me. I imagine him to say, “Homo sapiens.”

And I says, “Craig Suder.”